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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  11:07 - Filmed!
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  Author    11:07 - Filmed!  (currently 16137 views)
CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Wow!

One of the best things I've read here. There's no way this was as easy to write as you made this look...a few misused words or phrases could have sent this way off the rails in terms of the story and tone but it all worked.

To deflect anything that may hit close to home and inflect even the slightest pain, I tend to find something to focus on rather than the main point itself. So with that in mind, let say: Ghostbuster pants? Sweet! I need to find some Ghostbuster pants! I'm not even kidding...they would make my life more complete.
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B.C.
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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This is a really nice story and the time jumps serve it really well. The dialogue (while it maybe could use a slight clean up) is funny, likable and most importantly, came across as believable. I giggled a few times, especially at the remote gag.  These two characters really come off the page.

But crikey-moses, Mark.  There's a ton of mistakes on the first half-page alone!   An unfilmable in the first paragraph.  Punctuation problems.  The tense meltdown on the last few pages!!  

It's a good job you can tell a good story, so well done on having that skill cos' otherwise most readers would have tossed this in the bin!  Get some word-bleach on this thing.

  
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irish eyes
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bill
A few thoughts on story. The bloke is set up as a bit of a slacker. Tihis helps set up the tension but at the same time makes you wonder about them. Could he, for example, be good with the little girl and take her back to bed, telling a story as they go, after being a jerk before, so that we can get a glimpse of the positive that appeals, that holds the family together?


I don't think he's really portrayed as a slacker, it's basically one night, every decade at 11:07. But I do like your idea of him interacting with his daughter, it would really add to reality of life i'm trying to create.


Quoted from Kip
The dialogue, I thought, was pretty much spot on, and if this only took 2 hours to write...Kudos for that. I pull my stubble out after an hour just writing a couple of pages!

It made me smile, but it also made me think. That's always a good thing.


Thanks Kip , thinking is always a good thing... I think


Quoted from Gaviano
Such a sweet ending. Maybe you could add something else in there at the end before she turns over to Jims side of the bed, ya know so its not as expected, just seemed kinda abrupt.


Thanks Gaviano for the read, I think in my re-write I might slightly extend that scene, creating a little bit more drama.

Wow!


Quoted from ED
One of the best things I've read here. There's no way this was as easy to write as you made this look...a few misused words or phrases could have sent this way off the rails in terms of the story and tone but it all worked.


Thanks Ed, i'm glad you enjoyed it, I just tried to capture the different sentiments through time, in one location with minimal characters.


Quoted from Basket Case
This is a really nice story and the time jumps serve it really well. The dialogue (while it maybe could use a slight clean up) is funny, likable and most importantly, came across as believable. I giggled a few times, especially at the remote gag.  These two characters really come off the page.


Thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


I can't quite put my finger on it, but I got a feeling you guys are trying to tell me something .


Quoted from Oney
You do have some issues of using passive verbiage -
On the first page you have wearing, staring, rubbing, etc. That continues on throughout.  I, myself, just learned this but try to avoid this.  Big no-no and you'll be called out on this.



Quoted from Dirk
Nice job, just need to clean it up a bit.



Quoted from Mark2
The only niggle I had while reading... well, I'll say it's a HUGE problem:  Mark, you didn't just passively write this story.  You went from passive writing to STRAIGHT UP HARDCORE PAST TENSE!!, and then back again.



Quoted from Bill
Minus - oh mark, look at that first para. I'm not usually too bothered by the writing with shorts but it does need a good clean. Actually it got much better soon after but as Oney pointed out towards the end there is a past tense para. Mind you written in two hours!! Just something to be aware.



Quoted from Basket Case
But crikey-moses, Mark.  There's a ton of mistakes on the first half-page alone!   An unfilmable in the first paragraph.  Punctuation problems.  The tense meltdown on the last few pages!!  

It's a good job you can tell a good story, so well done on having that skill cos' otherwise most readers would have tossed this in the bin!  Get some word-bleach on this thing.


I'll see if I can figure it out

Thank you all for feedback

Mark

Now 2 hours just to fix the writing








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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Marky Mark,

Good to see another short from you and I have to admit that I enjoyed this one overall. A little dilemma that all couples go through and can associate with.

You did a good job, the almost constant bickering which created some laughs throughout the years finally turns into something more sweet and loving by the end.

They're still together and very much in love and that's always a nice message to get across and although the ending is a little depressing, it works. I have to say that you surprised me with the gloomy ending, not normally your style so kudos.

So I liked the story but the writing is a different matter altogether - this has some serious issues with past tense writing. I felt like I was reading a novel at one point "Jim begins to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time." Okay... you were using the nasty little word "then" which wasn't helping.

It's also riddled with little mistakes with a hint of telling which does harm the read unfortuntely. The action is also massivly repetitive by the end with the characters doing exactly the same thing - it becomes boring.

There is only so many times I can read a "door swinging, slowly, pushes open" or peeps "staring up at the ceiling" Mix it up, I know it's difficult with the one room setting but just simply having the same action re-worded would work.

In saying that, the dialogue is snappy and gave me a few chuckles but still needs a little polish in areas: "Do you know what date (day) it is?" or "Do you have (the) thing ready." Little things really.

I liked the story but think the writing needs a little work. Edit: I see you're already getting stuck in on the re-write which is great.

Good one, buddy.

Steve
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irish eyes
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coop
Hey Marky Mark,

Good to see another short from you and I have to admit that I enjoyed this one overall. A little dilemma that all couples go through and can associate with.

You did a good job, the almost constant bickering which created some laughs throughout the years finally turns into something more sweet and loving by the end.

They're still together and very much in love and that's always a nice message to get across and although the ending is a little depressing, it works. I have to say that you surprised me with the gloomy ending, not normally your style so kudos.

So I liked the story but the writing is a different matter altogether - this has some serious issues with past tense writing. I felt like I was reading a novel at one point "Jim begins to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time." Okay... you were using the nasty little word "then" which wasn't helping.

It's also riddled with little mistakes with a hint of telling which does harm the read unfortuntely. The action is also massivly repetitive by the end with the characters doing exactly the same thing - it becomes boring.

There is only so many times I can read a "door swinging, slowly, pushes open" or peeps "staring up at the ceiling" Mix it up, I know it's difficult with the one room setting but just simply having the same action re-worded would work.

In saying that, the dialogue is snappy and gave me a few chuckles but still needs a little polish in areas: "Do you know what date (day) it is?" or "Do you have (the) thing ready." Little things really.

I liked the story but think the writing needs a little work. Edit: I see you're already getting stuck in on the re-write which is great.

Good one, buddy.


See what happens when I don't throw at you first

I was trying to be nice by not bothering you... no more Mr nice guy

You'll get the rewrite first and that's a warning

Mark


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khamanna
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I enjoyed the script - very nice dialog and thus the characters are very vivid. It sucked me right in.
Overall it was a very fast and enjoyable read. Having said that, I must admit that it lacks conflict for me.
The story is good - they are in love no matter the years that passed and changed looks, but I wish it was more than just that. The story revolves around the date and time - this love thing is a little on the nose for me.

I think there must be a few scripts on the same theme out there and I don't think many of them would be half as good as yours. The winner for me is Sally Meyer's http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=923

Good luck to you with it!

Khamanna

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irish eyes
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Khamanna for the read

I'm currently working on the rewrite, trying to tighten it up a little more and create a little more tension without over doing it.

Thanks for the link, I just read it and it's a very nice short.

Mark


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alffy
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, you've been busy.

i'm pushed for time so I'll keep it short.

I noticed a few mistakes here and there and there are a few times when you could have shortened sentences.

I thought the kids could have played more of a role as one made an appearence in the 20's but then nothing.  I thought they might have maybe interupted in thee 40's; a stroppy teenager maybe?

Overall though I really liked this.  The characters were very funny and believable.  There were some great one-liners.  The final scenes were very moving too, so yes, I thought this was a nice little short.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Others have commented on the passive verbiage - a simple fix.

The ending - I hate it since it was very sad. I liked it since that's the crux of this tale. lol. It'll depend on what the director would want to do with it. I say leave it.

Other than that, it was a very funny emotional tale.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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irish eyes
Posted: January 31st, 2013, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Anthony glad you enjoyed it

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: February 1st, 2013, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your kind words Gabe... I wouldn't like the ending changed, it would take away the realism I was trying to create

Mark


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Bogey
Posted: February 2nd, 2013, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Mark-

I enjoyed the story, and have one suggestion. Perhaps an occasional description of some items in the bedroom to mark the passage of time, like a framed photo of the couple's wedding, a prescription bottle on the nightstand, a retirement momento from work, etc.

-Rich
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2013, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Rich, welcome to the boards.


Quoted from Rich
I enjoyed the story, and have one suggestion. Perhaps an occasional description of some items in the bedroom to mark the passage of time, like a framed photo of the couple's wedding, a prescription bottle on the nightstand, a retirement momento from work, etc.


Thanks for the read and the feedback... I like your suggestion and I may use it in my redraft.

Mark


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Forgive
Posted: February 2nd, 2013, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark - took a look at this, I've seen it's got some attention.

I didn't find this depressing - maybe bitter sweet, but you followed things through - natural causation, and I think that gives a story impact.

Your dialogue is your strong point, and you struggle with your descriptive paragraphs. You also have an issue with question marks ... easy fix, though.

The story works for me - but there are glitches, and this is to do with the appearance of the child. Either the child is ditched and you work as is, or following the first appearance, you refer to the child and reference the child's development (even by an O.S. "Bye!").

The dialogue reminded me of 'Rosanne' - and for me it worked very well.

The writing crashes on p.6(7), with the massage. Remember, writing is about you, and reveals information about you, and the way that you connect with the audience. There is a reason it crashes, and you have to figure that out.

WENDY
That was amazing, why did you stop?
JIM
I found the remote.
- nice line.

Other than that - you got the 'feel' of this over - and that's tricky to do, and you tell things in the right way.

A good read.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Simon for the read and feedback

I'm currently redrafting it, to fix the "Errors"

Thanks again

Mark


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