Thanks for the read, Richard - much appreciated.

Quoted from RichardR David, I'll echo some of the other commenters.  This one runs a little long.  We get the gist damn quick.  She's beaten, he's a sadist.  Don't need much more than that.

I actual think we need more based on some of the other comments I have read (e.g., what is it about her life that has her stuck with this guy, etc.)

I don't really get this - She's beaten, he's a sadist.. I really think that it needs to be a slow broil so that by the time she does the deed (to him and herself) one knows why the escape is needed. Long winded way of saying I do not think it is too long. That being said - if use as a reader think it is going slow - I got an issue nonetheless (i.e., not so much the 14 pages per se but what those pages contain).  

Quoted from RichardR The idea that she will escape him by going to prison doesn't work for me.  The entire justice system would be mobilized to get her, including prison guards.  An attack on a policeman, no matter how justified, is an attack on everyone in the whole criminal justice system.  She's bright enough to figure that out.  Plus, she risks the death penalty (in a death penalty state) because some clever attorney may charge her with murder since the good captain may well die of the virus in the future.  Interesting legal point there.  She certainly will be charged with attempted murder and the penalty for that is a very long sojourn in prison.  I would like to think she is far more clever than that.

I will consider this during the rewrite (earlier version had her offing herself to ensure that the escape was permanent). It was really meant to be a desperate times requires desperate measures sort of thing - actions not totally of a rational mind. But I agree that this is a tricky plot point.

Quoted from RichardR Plus, the HIV virus may or may not cause the captain a problem.  Given modern medicine he might not suffer at all.  I understand her desire to make him suffer, but HIV is simply too iffy.  She has a wealth of pathogens at the CDC.  Why choose one that isn't guaranteed to work?  Some research might provide a virus that attacks the central nervous system.  Before the doctors figure it out, he's lost the use of his legs and arms.  He's alive but he's wheelchair bound.  Now she  has him where she wants him?  As smart as she is, she can figure this out, as well as how she an steal it from the CDC.

I did want her to kill Drew. I merely wanted her to leave him with something that lasts forever - whether that is one year of fifty. I think you may be the 3rd or 4th person that has an issue wit the virus selected. So, despite my intents - it is becoming clear that the AIDS virus is an issue with the readers - so, I plan on changing in future drafts.

Quoted from RichardR Enough.  It's your story, and I like it.  I think with some tweaking it will make a nice little comeupence tale.  If you really want to test your readers, figure out a way the wheelchair bound captain turns the tables on the lovely doctor?   Best Richard

Oooh - I like that twist.

Thanks much for the read and feedback, Richard - it's appreciated.

Quoted from khamanna Hey David, Read this. Overall it was a fast read. I didnt like the timeline here - wish it was linear and there wasnt leap into the day before and back. I noticed you wrote gaurd instead of guard in a number of places. Also there's one instance of her self as opposed to herself. Dave is weird a bit, without coke he is a darling - not sure why. And I do wish for a twistier ending. Having said that you build the suspence real well and held my attention throuthout.

Thanks much for the read. You may be kindred spirits with my wife - she has the exact same problem. The next version will be linear and upfront (rather than the CDC lab scene there will either be (a) nothing, or (b) a conversation with someone (e.g., sister, etc) explaining how she sees no way out.

Yes - I got the guard and other typos - just not in time - my fault

In terms of Drew of being a sweetheart when he's not high - was an attempt to show why she would have ever hooked up with someone like him in the first place (i.e., an implication that he was fine until recent bouts with narcotics).

Again - thanks for read and the feedback. I appreciate it.

Revision posted - thanks all for the feedback - it was very helpful.

Shocked that I haven't read this yet, really sorry about that. If I ever miss any of your shorts then please give me a nudge and I'll get to it.

Code EXT. ATLANTA, THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL (CDC) - DAY A ten story building encased in blue tinted glass shimmers in the sunlight. A large blue sign with white letters - "CDC."

Maybe there's a way to film this cheaply, but to my untrained eye it seems that this opening scene could be quite expensive to pull off. Maybe some computer graphics? I don't know, it just screams money.

Code INT. CDC BIO-HAZARD LAB/CORRIDOR - DAY DOCTOR EMMA SANDERS (35), dressed in an orange Haz-Mat suit stands outside a CDC Bio-Hazard lab room. She enters numbers on a security key pad. A BEEP is heard. Emma places a protective hood over her head, opens the lab door and enters.

This is only the second scene and the costs are mounting. Perhaps there is a ready made studio for rental? Still though, I bet the cost per day would blow most budgets. I'm already thinking that perhaps there's a way you could switch things up, maybe have her working in a disease control centre in the Congo or something?

We've got a security gate, a big building, a bio-hazard lab with full security features... this is an excellent concept and very well written, but I think I can guess why it hasn't been picked up yet.

Try writing an alternate version with less cost attached. It'll take being more creative, but it's a good idea and well worth the effort.

Good luck whatever you choose to do with it.

Thanks much for the look.

Quoted Text We've got a security gate, a big building, a bio-hazard lab with full security features... this is an excellent concept and very well written, but I think I can guess why it hasn't been picked up yet. Try writing an alternate version with less cost attached. It'll take being more creative, but it's a good idea and well worth the effort. Good luck whatever you choose to do with it.

I have never really written with production costs in mind - it's a good point. I'll mull over some alternatives that would be less costly - thanks

With shorts it should definitely be a consideration. Nobody makes anything from shorts so making them as cheaply as possible is important, even for those producers with plenty of money.

I can't believe I hadn't read this either.

Noticed it on the STS page - congrats, Dave!

This story is brutal, though you manage not to get too gratuitous so kudos there. Characters all (sadly) very believable, dialogue great, no negs to mention really. Budget is a factor, but I still think it could be done - that part is often about connections and ingenuity,, and an office floor come makeshift lab could be finagled with some clever set dressing.

Mark Lyons had a script filmed within a prison and a character set for impending execution - I thought at the time that was pushing it, but they managed it.

You're cerainly widening your repertoire too with diverse subject matter which is what we all should strive to do to increase our chances of success.

I wish you well with this Dave, but also secretly hope you have another RomCom in the works.  

Quoted from LC I can't believe I hadn't read this either. Noticed it on the STS page - congrats, Dave! This story is brutal, though you manage not to get too gratuitous so kudos there. Characters all (sadly) very believable, dialogue great, no negs to mention really. Budget is a factor, but I still think it could be done - that part is often about connections and ingenuity,, and an office floor come makeshift lab could be finagled with some clever set dressing. Mark Lyons had a script filmed within a prison and a character set for impending execution - I thought at the time that was pushing it, but they managed it. You're cerainly widening your repertoire too with diverse subject matter which is what we all should strive to do to increase our chances of success. I wish you well with this Dave, but also secretly hope you have another RomCom in the works.

Thanks much, Libby. Appreciated. And yes this was an attempt to broaden my genres so really glad you liked it.

This one has been filmed - here's the trailer.

https://vimeo.com/737034258

Congrats, Dave!

Quoted from Zack Congrats, Dave!

thanks

Aa congrats. Nice trailer, seems like very pro job!

Quoted from khamanna Aa congrats. Nice trailer, seems like very pro job!

Thanks, Kham

Congrats, Dave.

Frank