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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Role of the Dice - OWC
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  Author    The Role of the Dice - OWC  (currently 3435 views)
Abe from LA
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of had a feeling where this was going. Chuck seemed on the brink. The writing was clean and I enjoyed how you used the game to reveal critical information.

The writing was strong, the setup easy to follow and a fitting finish. Not much more to say. Very strong entry.
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was really good.

Dustin, was this yours??  It was good if it was.   It reminded me a tiny bit of your one story: dissassociation...


I thought it was well rounded, the randomness of the hotel had major significance...

It takes a lot of cash to build hotels on PP and BW...

I'm an expert of monopoly.  My sis and I must have played 500 games when we were younger, if not more...

It was a lot of fun.

SPOILERS

One missed opportunity could have been to let the cheating wife land on community chest and make a comment about her chest being fondled by a community...

8.5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

A well-balanced read.  We have a troubled cop, a cheating wife, a slimy best friend, all the elements of a noir plot and a bad ending.  I liked it.  Given some muted lighting and decent acting, it could work.  The ending plays well with the game but doesn't surprise.  Any way to twist this one?

Solid piece.

Best
Richard
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CameronD
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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I think "Atlantic Avenue" would have been a more fitting, less generic title.

The dialogue here was pretty good. No major format or spelling errors which is always a plus. I liked the incorporation of Monopoly into the plot. Those where some of the best lines I thought that cross referenced the game. The idea was a good once though I agree with others that the cat came outta the bag a little too fast and not much changed after that. But it built suspense and I dreaded where I could tell the story was going.

A small pet peeve of mine, but I hate seeing a characters wardrobe passed off as description. I don't really know anything about Dmitri with how you've introduced him by focusing on attire. I'd rather you introduce him checking out Hannah as that build way more character.

But overall, a solid, if predictable script. Good job!


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IamGlenn
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Albert Prince,

Out of the six I've read, I think this is now my favourite. Really good job. Simple and engaging to read, and would be great to watch. The writing was good and it was a quick read.

Great stuff.

Glenn.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, however, as soon as Chuck said, you like hotels too don't you, it was clear what was coming. If you can delay that a bit so it's still a mystery for a little bit longer of what's going on, that would be great.

Hannah also says that the meds Chuck are on makes him catatonic. Okay, must be pretty heavy meds. Would he still be allowed on duty? Drive a car? Have a service gun?

Other than that, good job.  


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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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My highest rated so far of the ten or so I've read. Had a pretty good pace, and the dialogue was fairly good. I think it went on a little long - probably could be trimmed about a page or so. Chuck spends too much time quizzing and re-quizzing everyone about the hotel.

Also, when he shoots Hannah, it's like it's a surprise that he's holding the gun.  No one makes any reference to the fact that Chuck is pointing the weapon at Hannah as she's speaking and he cuts her off in mid sentence (which was done to try and be a little clever with the whole "chest" thing). IMO, it's a little much.

Still, a very good effort here.

My scores (out of 5)
Concept: 4.0
Story: 4.5
Character: 4.0
Dialogue: 4.0
Writing: 4.5
Overall: 4.2

All the best!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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The Role of the Dice

A dirty thriller to my liking. The "cheating" plot is a bit generic but here again, the characters, especially the prot, are top-notch. Very entertaining story around the Monopoly game.

Perhaps the set up was a bit slow, allthough actually, nothing to speak of for real.

Detailed, noticeable accuracy went in here. A great performance of you. Very strong third act.

A



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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 31st, 2016, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Title isn't 12pt Courier. Looks more like 16pt.

Bold slugs again?  

Nice opening line and introduction.

Another great line and intro.


Quoted Text
HANNAH
You're awful quiet. Something
happen at work today?


Be careful here; this is bordering on OTN.


Quoted Text
Chuck stares at Hannah - continues to chew he sizes up the
question.


Huh?  


Quoted Text
HANNAH
You know your counselor said it was
bad to bottle things up.
(beat)
You stop taking your meds?



Quoted Text
HANNAH
Well, the Petersons (no apostrophe) are supposed
to be here at seven. We can cancel
if you're not up to it?



Quoted Text
Chuck wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin, stands up
and removes his service revolver from his holster and places
it on a nearby table.


Foreshadowing?


Quoted Text
CHUCK
Naw. I'm up for a game.


Page 2. You're making good time.

Monopoly introduced at the beginning of page 3. You're making great time.

Two back-to-back great intros. I would maybe split Stephanie's paragraph in half.

Monopoly should be capitalized.


Quoted Text
DEMETRI
Don't let it go to your head,
sweetie. Caitlin Jenner was first
place.


Yikes! Too soon? I'm not into the whole PC mindset, but still.


Quoted Text
STEPHANIE
I thought it was insensitive.


I detest political correctness, but I agree.

"If I do say so myself," I believe, should have a comma before.

Man, Chuck seems like the friendliest fella you'll ever meet.  


Quoted Text
CHUCK
Cunt-tucky [A]venue.


This reads well on the page, but you would need an actor to nail the enunciation, emphasize the pun.


Quoted Text
DEMETRI
My turn.


I dunno. Seems a tad OTN. Why can't he just take the dice without saying anything? It's not like he's stealing a turn; I'd expect Chuck to maybe do something like that.

Also, you don't make it clear that Demetri is male until after he rolls the dice. But apparently, according to Google, it's a male name by default. Still sounds feminine to me.   Then again, I thought Errol Flynn was a woman's name, because it sounds too much like Ethel or Carol. Must be thinking of Demetria.


Quoted Text
Demetri counts out $350 in play money and tosses it in the
games's bank - a cardboard cut out. From a pile of cards,
Stephanie hands Chuck the PARK PLACE PROPERTY CARD.  He
raises it to his lips and kisses it.


I'd break this up into several paragraphs, one per thought/shot.


Quoted Text
DEMETRI
And with Boardwalk, that gives me a
monopoly. I'll buy one hotel.


The only context in which "monopoly" should be lowercase.


Quoted Text
HANNAH
Chuck! Say you're sorry.


Wrong game.   I think I know what happened to Chuck at work.  


Quoted Text
STEPHANIE
Okay, really, it's been fun but we
should get going. Demetri has an
early tee time anyway.


Why is Demetri in such a rush to wear a tee shirt? It's "tea," right?


Quoted Text
Chuck leans over and grabs his service revolver from the
table adjacent to him. He points it at Demetri.


A setup with a payoff. Great job!

Irony and coincidence are two different things. Nothing in Alanis Morrissette's song is ironic, despite the title.


Quoted Text
STEPHANIE
(reading/weeping)
Life Insurance matures. Collect one
hundred dollars. Please, I want to
go home.


Foreshadowing?


Quoted Text
CHUCK
Hold on to that. It may come in
handy.


Ooh. More foreshadowing.  


Quoted Text
CHUCK
Only one car. Oh, I'll use this for

Hannah.
Chuck picks up the SILVER DOG play piece and places it in
front of the hotel.

CHUCK
It is a bitch after all.


Nice wordplay.

Again, the difference between coincidence and irony.


Quoted Text
BANG! - a bullet splashes through Demetri's forehead. Blood
spatters on the white wall behind [Demetri].



Quoted Text
CHUCK
(opening the door)
Hmmm, maybe we should have played
Sorry.


Nice zinger.

Very solid story. Went right into it. Lots of tension, suspense, unease. Expertly written.

9.5/10


FADE IN:
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