The writing is great. The descriptions in particular are phenomenal. I was invested up until the moment Sandra pointed the gun at herself. That rang false to me.

I don't think you've built up enough of a connection between these two people for her to do that. She gets in a car with a guy who immediately locks her in, says he's hearing voices, and points a gun at her. Is she really gonna go out on a limb and point a gun at herself to help him make a choice that keeps them both alive?

I realize you don't have much space to work with. But I feel like you need something early on before the doors lock. Some little moment of chemistry between them before the action starts. Maybe a bit of shared past, or just a shared joke... something so they can connect on some level and that would explain her going out of her way to help a deranged man she barely knows.

Regardless, you get a CONSIDER.

Breezed by thanks to strong writing. The ending didn't do much for me. He wants to die and dies -- not much of a story. The demonic voice would be goofy onscreen.

But everything is nonetheless strong, here. Find a better option than the demonic voice, find a more interesting end to this conflict, and this is a very solid (and easily low budget) short that I'm sure could be produced.

I wanted to know more about her and less about him -- we get it, he's got a demon on his shoulder -- and I think that's where the shift needs to come. It's not really a story about him. It's about her, and the choices she makes when she's confronted with this crazy situation. Right now, as others have noted, you have her figuring him out far too quickly and taking a huge risk. If that were the crux of the story -- she's willing to risk her life on her ability to read this guy -- it'd be an interesting one. But that beat is missed a little bit. What tells her that he won't let her shoot herself? What tells her that she has a chance of getting out?

I'd almost rather see a very short first scene with him, and then a longer first scene with her. Get to know her a bit. Does she believe in basic human goodness? Does she have a crucifix around her neck? Is this the first time she's ever had the courage to wear this particular dress outside the house?

Very enjoyable. Solid work all around.

Deep, dark, and satisfying. I like the character twist of Gerald's alter ego demanding more from him than the average demon... all or nothing to prove his worth. This demon (only known as HE) obviously has an escape route already planned out, like a virus that kills its host as long as there's another (corporeal) nearby to accept it. I bet the man in custody can already feel it tingling within.

I would drop the "I am" when there's a reference of being crazy, IMO... the truly insane do not realize they are, save that Gerald could lay blame or reference toward his unwanted (demonic) guest... "I'm not... but HE certainly is" might even refer to a collective or hive of spirits within. That would seriously put a quagmire on Sandra's face.

Awesomely sinister...

The setup is great, it really makes you nervous and worry about this guy's unsuspecting customer. A bit overly written, I see some of the comments like this aspect but actors do not appreciate being given acting directions in a script. E.G.

"Gerald brings a pistol to his mouth and presses it against his closed lips. Sweat beads on his forehead. His breathing becomes heavier. His chest heaves up and down. He wraps his lips around the barrel and slowly slides it into his mouth. He places a finger on the trigger."

You are even telling the actor how to breathe here! This is fine in a short story but leaner is better in screenplays.  

The cracks starts to appear once Gerald tries to get Sandra to shoot him. If he can't shoot himself, he can't kill himself so his threat to drive into traffic is a bluff which Sandra would easily see through. Her threat to kill herself was totally unbelievable also.

And then the ending was a letdown. He started off wanting to die so he dies, not only that but he has persuaded some other poor schmuck to do so. It feels like watching the beginning of Alien 3 when Hicks and Newt are just dead and I was thinking, "Well what was he point of them going through all that in Aliens just to die off-screen for no reason?"

The voice is an interesting aspect and worth developing. How will the audience know it is a Demon voice? Is it in his mind or is it truly demonic? If you explore the latter you'll find options opening up in the story you could exploit.

But well written, trapped in the taxi and fairly low budget so it hits all the marks for me, just needs some work on the story and this could be very producible.

-Mark

Cool title for my taste. The execution here is good all along. There's a lot tension on display, although, that said, the plot you deal with is quite generic. The ending, I felt, could improve. I interpreted it as: when the scenario started again, there's an alternative version happening later with him being shot on the freeway. Though I'm not sure if this is how it's meant…

I didn't get the definite state of their relationship. I thought they know each other before but HOW (exact background) wasn't precise enough since their exchange read more like vague allusions in that direction I couldn't connect with 100%.

Even though the plotting and twists are quite skillful presented, it's still a bit generic… I have to say that.

In the end, my nagging on plot is secondary here; in general, it's very good quality- especially your personal skills shine in this piece.


@ ah, I understand now. It wasn't meant as a repeating style ending, rather there was a new passenger who took the decision at the freeway, the girl refused to take.

Quoted from Heretic Breezed by thanks to strong writing. The ending didn't do much for me. He wants to die and dies -- not much of a story.

Perhaps a better ending would be to have him be shot - but the demon won't let him die and he ends up stuck on life support, still hearing the voices as he lies in his hospital bed unable to move or escape...

Creepy character, simple use of location, rising tension, stakes etc.  Seemed like Gerald could’ve called her bluff, but not a deal breaker.  Not entirely convinced of the logic - he can’t shoot himself but he can swerve into traffic?
Not a huge fan of the ‘Demonic V.O’, one suggestion might be to incorporate it within the Sat Nav Voice - little snippets that only Gerald can hear guiding him to kill.  A good read, a few tweaks should take care of the logic issues.

I feel like this would work better if he saw people instead of just hearing them. Other than that, great script!

I got a lot of reads on this and (a) wanted to thank everyone for the reads and comments and (b) address some of the common themes.

DEMONIC VOICE

Pretty much universally disliked. I think a large part of that was my unfortunate use of the term "Demonic" and as such frequently viewed as the Devil or an evil being. In my mind (unfortunately not so much on the page) the driver suffered from a schizophrenic disorder and this was the crazy voice in his head that he wanted to kill. I will rewrite with a better term to describe the voice and see if that works better.

LOGIC ISSUES

Many comments in this regard, including:

If he wanted to kill himself, why wouldn't he just drive into the traffic, The point there was supposed to be that he couldn't do it - couldn't pull the trigger himself - and the driving into traffic was a bluff on his part to get her to do it for him. I'll see if I cant make that clearer in the dialogue between him and her.

Why would she put the gun to her head- after all she didn't want to die because she wouldn't shoot him? Again, this was meant as a bluff on her part after she figured out that he didn't/wouldn't want to kill anyone. She was merely using the bluff as a way to get out of the car. So, again - many folks didn't think that was clear so I will make some revisions there to make sure that is clarified.

THE VOICE OVER AT THE END:

Several posters did not like this and some thought the story could stop earlier. Going to keep it the same as is here. One of the points of the story was to show that the contrast between people - those that would have put a bullet in the head of the driver to save their life and those that would not. So - I need the conclusion (e.g., someone actually does it). Maybe with the other corrections above - it would make it clearer. Simon had an interesting suggestion on this which I might use.

Two specific points from Khamanna:

1. ...I didn't care when Sandra started to swear. She doesn't sound like someone that will.
Their dialog was not very smooth for me. And they essentially talked about nothing. I wish the Voice told him something interesting. Maybe something about his past....

2. ....When the voice said "she will die too" - that was funny. Don't think you want funny in this one.

Both points resonated with me - others also shared the same concern raised in # 1 - good rewrite tools here.

OVER DESCRIBING

Several comments on over describing. Actually, this is one area that I am quite comfortable with and am going to leave as is. I have just found myself enjoying scripts more when there is a little more description and right or wrong I am moving my writing in that direction. (Who knows - maybe will reverse some time in the future.

Again - much thanks to all who read and commented!!! The notes were great and very useful.

Quoted from eldave1 I got a lot of reads on this and (a) wanted to thank everyone for the reads and comments and (b) address some of the common themes. DEMONIC VOICE Pretty much universally disliked. I think a large part of that was my unfortunate use of the term "Demonic" and as such frequently viewed as the Devil or an evil being. In my mind (unfortunately not so much on the page) the driver suffered from a schizophrenic disorder and this was the crazy voice in his head that he wanted to kill. I will rewrite with a better term to describe the voice and see if that works better. LOGIC ISSUES Many comments in this regard, including: If he wanted to kill himself, why wouldn't he just drive into the traffic, The point there was supposed to be that he couldn't do it - couldn't pull the trigger himself - and the driving into traffic was a bluff on his part to get her to do it for him. I'll see if I cant make that clearer in the dialogue between him and her. Why would she put the gun to her head- after all she didn't want to die because she wouldn't shoot him? Again, this was meant as a bluff on her part after she figured out that he didn't/wouldn't want to kill anyone. She was merely using the bluff as a way to get out of the car. So, again - many folks didn't think that was clear so I will make some revisions there to make sure that is clarified. THE VOICE OVER AT THE END: Several posters did not like this and some thought the story could stop earlier. Going to keep it the same as is here. One of the points of the story was to show that the contrast between people - those that would have put a bullet in the head of the driver to save their life and those that would not. So - I need the conclusion (e.g., someone actually does it). Maybe with the other corrections above - it would make it clearer. Simon had an interesting suggestion on this which I might use. Two specific points from Khamanna: 1. ...I didn't care when Sandra started to swear. She doesn't sound like someone that will. Their dialog was not very smooth for me. And they essentially talked about nothing. I wish the Voice told him something interesting. Maybe something about his past.... 2. ....When the voice said "she will die too" - that was funny. Don't think you want funny in this one. Both points resonated with me - others also shared the same concern raised in # 1 - good rewrite tools here. OVER DESCRIBING Several comments on over describing. Actually, this is one area that I am quite comfortable with and am going to leave as is. I have just found myself enjoying scripts more when there is a little more description and right or wrong I am moving my writing in that direction. (Who knows - maybe will reverse some time in the future. Again - much thanks to all who read and commented!!! The notes were great and very useful.

Dave,
      I think the demonic voice is okay IF it comes from someplace.  Why not have it come thru the radio?  He's schizophrenic anyways, so, it wouldn't be that far-fetched.  The issue that many had was the fact that it just comes out of thin air.  

I'd carry his mental illness further, perhaps with visual clues too.  Perhaps picking up some clues how they act might help you flesh out his character a bit more.  

I find dialog very hard, so, I can't add much there.  I mean, for mine, I talked around the end of the world, but then, got dinged about the dialog being on the nose about other topics.  It is almost impossible to not have any dialog that is OTN.  

Lets face it, everything we write, from what the camera sees to what the characters say, is for the reader to get some clue about something.  

This story was good.  It was tense.  I didn't have a clue with her being smart enough to figure out how to get out of the cab alive without shooting him.  Perhaps show her with a "Top of her class" certificate or something like that, to show she's really smart.  Or show she's a psych major.  That way, we shouldn't have any reasons why to doubt how she'd come up with that response.  

The biggest issue is why today?  People with mental issues deal daily.  What made today the reason for his acceptance that he must die?  If you can add all that stuff in (there's no page limit if you redo it) and I think you have a pretty killer script that can be easily produced.

Let me know if I can help.

Dan

Hi Dave,

I gave this script a read and really like it. I haven't read any of the other comments so there may be repetition in my comments.

I think your writing is generally spot on but there are a few occasions where you could trim down. I'm thinking mainly in the first scene, where short, cutting sentences may set the tone more. For example, 'His hand begins to shake. The barrel of the gun rattles against his teeth.' Rather than flowing those two thoughts into a structured sentence.

I love the idea and the execution (pardon the pun) but I would have liked to see the guy who did it. Not necessarily, the actual act (you could even leave it so you don't know if it's him or not), but I just feel there's potential to take this further with another character. How would he react if he starts to feel like this is 'the one' before he even does anything?

I don't need any more backstory about his mental illness just his reaction to a different situation.

Great stuff - looking forward to your feature.

Ste

Thanks much for the read and the comments - much appreciated.

Quoted Text .... but I would have liked to see the guy who did it. Not necessarily, the actual act (you could even leave it so you don't know if it's him or not), but I just feel there's potential to take this further with another character. How would he react if he starts to feel like this is 'the one' before he even does anything?

Interesting that you should mention this. I am toying around with an idea for a feature or maybe short TV series. Part 1 - same as it is. Part 2 - the story of the guy (let's call him Ed) who shot him and what happened to him as a result. Part 3 - The story of Ed's wife and how the change in Ed from the incident ruined their marriage. Part 4 - the story of their children and the impact from the divorce......etc. etc. Until somehow in the last part we come full circle back to a the driver.  Have not worked out the kinks but am toying with it.

Again - thanks for the read and comments

Sounds interesting Dave. Put me down as a reader of any drafts if needs be.

Ste

Thanks much

"Are you fucking crazy?", "I am".

Enjoyable little thriller. Like the various devices and directions, you use to keep the tension going on.
Felt contained, especially with the alley bookends. You make good use of the two main players, think the actors would enjoy the script, and the dialogue, which is small and to the point.
The descriptions are very poetic for me, but they do the job.