All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
A Storm of Design by Bruce Alway - Short, Drama - A mystifying stranger arrives in a snow storm at a poor remote farmhouse and promises that the teenage farm boy will have to kill a man with the gun the stranger gives him. 17 pages
Production:An intense drama with a supernatural twist. One location. Five actors. - pdf, format
1) you put "day" in the description in the first paragraph, but it's already in the slug, so you can take it out.
2) When you introduce a character, in this case Ezra and Caleb, give a brief description, especially their age range, i.e. JOHN, early thirties, dressed in an expensive suit, or JANICE, late 40's, face is weathered, but still beautiful, wearing a worn, but clean sundress. If the character is a minor one and description isn't important, just put JOSH, mid twenties.
3) When you introduce Charles, you need to put him in the wagon in the first sentence. You give us his description first, but we don't know who or where he is
4) " pointing it toward the wagon as the wagon nears". Cut out the second "wagon" and replace it with "it"
5) "Caleb looks at his Pa. Ezra nods. " This needs to be all the way to the right and on the same line. Plus, this is the first time that we find out that Ezra is Calebs father. You should describe them as such when we meet them.
6) When Charles goes outside to get some things, you immediately go to him coming back in. Obviously time has passed, but that will be an awkward transition. Fill that gap, perhaps with some dialogue between the people still inside about what they think about this stranger.
7) Ezra seems to distrust Charles, but agrees pretty quickly to allow his son to keep the gun on him at all times.
8 ) I'm assuming the quotes around certain words in the dialogue are for emphasis, but the actors will interpret this and will emphasize accordingly. You don't need them in there
9) When Caleb says "Ma, you're alive!" you don't need the "cont'd" there or when he starts back up again.
10)Why is Caleb being casual about taking things out of the house?
11) MISS SARAH Ma! What happened to your head?! MISS SARAH (CONT�D) I fell darling. I�ll be all right. MISS SARAH (CONT�D) Is pa sleep�in?
I'm assuming this conversation is between Mother and daughter, not with herself.
12) "Is it gonna rain? I heard thunder." I thought it was winter? It shouldn't be raining.
13) "brakes", should be "breaks"
Overall, it was actually a pretty good story. I had my criticisms, but with some polishing and a few re-writes, this could be a solid short film.
(suggestion, certainly don't have to use it, but maybe have Charles be Santa? I know that sounds dumb at first, but I actually thought that's where you were going with it. And not the traditional Santa obviously, but like a dark, gritty Santa who shows up and helps people. Maybe not give him a name at all and let people infer what they may, but play up the Santa parallels, i.e. give him a long beard)
Pages: 1
Author
A Storm of Design
Logged
Locked Board