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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Pregnant Teen Princess
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  Author    Pregnant Teen Princess  (currently 947 views)
Don
Posted: November 18th, 2016, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pregnant Teen Princess by Jennifer Chapman - Short, Drama - Self-absorbed, pregnant 16-year old television star Ariel Wilde who portrays innocence, plans a secret abortion but her boyfriend finds out and confronts her at the clinic. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Female Gaze
Posted: November 19th, 2016, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. I am curious how people will respond to THIS one.

Highly interesting take on abortion and the way people demonize women for making choices about it. Almost. to the point women begin demonizing  themselves...it's a constant battle between Pro-life and Pro-choice and there shouldn't be.

I will say that there are a few times when some of the dialogue comes across as agenda pushing...maybe show both sides a little more?
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Jenniferkc22
Posted: November 20th, 2016, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Ashlie, thanks so much for your comments.

I started the story out as the plot being just about a spoiled teen star, not abortion, but it evolved into this.

I never realized some of it may seem as agenda pushing-thanks so much for saying that because it helps to have fresh eyes look at work and see things I may miss.

I personally am on both sides of the coin, I have dealt with abortion myself but part of me doesn't think I made the right choice (Years later), then I also think it's a woman's choice.

I will revise it a little and show more of the both sides. If you don't mind, was there a particular section where it seemed agenda pushing? Was it when she was saying it's alive/when Jack was talking about it/ or when the reporter was talking to them?

Thank you again!
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RichardR
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one is fine as far as it goes.  It's a common tale told in a common way, which is to say it's old news.  The new parts have to deal with her fame and TV show, but those parts are played down.  

I'm not sure I buy how a spoiled teen star gives up what they've worked hard for.  Most of us, and I include myself, would be torn by the choice.  I mean, once you're on top...

In any case, I think that you might think about additional complications.  The baby has a deformity?  The BF isn't so supportive?  The assistant thinks that if the star is dumped, she can move in?  What would grandma do with a new baby?  There's a payment do on the Mercedes?  Why not pile on this character and make it really hard?

Best
Richard
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Jenniferkc22
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard.

Those are some very intriguing ideas and they make sense.
I do agree and think the main character Ariel needs something more-she fought hard to be where she is and I didn't portray that enough and what she does to deal with having the pregnancy sort of interrupt the lifestyle she is used to, and her career. I just have the shock of her knowing that the baby is an actual living being and that is what changes her mind but I can definitely add to that.

But yes, all stories/scripts need conflict and I will add a complication(s) to this script. I think it will really improve it.

Thank you for talking the time to read it!
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jennifer, this reads really well.

Some minor notes:

SARAH
Wow, her life will be so different
now. Both of yours will.

This read a little on the nose? Awkward or something, it doesn't sound right IMO... maybe: "Your lives are going to be so different now" ?

I was surprised when I came to the end of the script. I went to keep scrolling and was like, is that it?

I like the story and I like the message behind it. Pro life and pro choice is an interesting topic and the way you've presented it is interesting. I would maybe consider expanding this. What is on the line for Ariel? And for Jack? It just seems to end so suddenly. What about social media? She's reality star, maybe a scene where she's online and maybe she's getting praise but also people are dragging her?  I don't know.

The ending just didn't do it for me, it needs something more.

Hope this helps, good luck with this!


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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Jenniferkc22
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ambition(Not sure to call you by your Username?)

I must say that I agree with everything you said. I know there will come a day when I don't agree with everyone's comments, but I do think the script does end suddenly and also, I had a funny feeling about Ariel-she just needs some oomph or something extra, and also, a little more conflict would make the script better I think.

Also, great point on this line "Your lives are going to be so different now"  that is pretty cliche! I can do better.

A different question: We can resubmit rewritten scripts in the same area? Just a little confused but reading all of the rules for this site.

Thank you for taking the time to read and I am striving to give feedback on all members who give me some.

P.S. After some time away from the script, I can totally see where you are coming from....the ending seems too 'fairytale ish'....too simple. It would be more realistic to have her struggling with some of the fans or people who don't like her, or have her face something along those lines.
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with you on that! If you ever submit a new version, I would be happy to read again!

Yes, so if you want to submit a piece of revised work, just reupload the exact same way but make sure to write in the comments it's a revised version of a piece already on the board.

If you're striving to give feedback, I recently submitted a short titled Gone which is in the recent threads, I would love some feedback. Like yourself, I plan on taking some time to work on it some more and think I'll rework it and then resubmit in the coming weeks.

Yeah. I just feel like the ending is too sudden, not really impactful. More conflict would be interesting, and like you said her interacting with fans would be interesting to see.

PS. I have also read your other short as well Desperation plan on writing my thoughts soon!

Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Female Gaze
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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I'm just worried you are setting your protag up as a villain without intending to. You call her spoiled and selfish off the bat and mostly that just comes about from people assuming that 1)teenagers are all selfish and 2) Actors are self-involved. Both are not inherently true at all. I've been both those things.

Plus I'm confused as to what you are trying to say with this script. Are you saying what she does is bad or good? Or is it up for interpretation?

That is all. Good luck with the re-write.
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Jenniferkc22
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ashlie,
Yes, I did set her up like that but it wasn't my intention for her to be so (YIKES one dimensional, sort of!!) The thing I want to avoid. I will give her some depth.

I am rewriting the script and adding the suggestions from you and Curtis as I agree they would help.  What I was trying to get across was that she is self-absorbed, but that it's kind of a front-to protect her feelings. She is a deeper character than I portray her to be...wow, I can see all the things I need to fix, lol.  I think I know what to do, I am going to explore her character more, know her more and then start putting her on the page and making her come to life. And I will give her clear reasons for what she does.

The one thing I am clear on, is that the choice she makes to not have the abortion is up for interpretation, yes. I am leaving it up to the audience. Doe that seem like a cop-out though? I can't stand when some writers end books, scripts etc, with what I call the easy way out, for example, they say it was just a dream or something so they don't have to make the effort to tie up all the loose ends. But some stories are good as just a dream. I hope I make sense.

Thank you for taking the time to give your input. I really value it, especially as you have been on both sides-that gives us writers great insight.

Have a great week!

I will be posting a rewrite of this in the near future.

P.S. You guys are so awesome (I dated myself, lol) to give your help and opinions. It means a lot to me so thanks again.
I read in a thread that you are an actress or you quit acting I think you said. You write now or do other work within the industry? I can't imagine how difficult it is to be an actress or how they want certain types/looks. If I was the director/producer/ I just want someone who can portray the characters. Why is the industry so focused on looks? I have a lot to learn about this business.
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Female Gaze
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Interpretation is fine if done properly. Look at twilight of the golds(I personally don't care for the play but the movie was good) anyway the main character had to decide to abort her child or keep it because it was determined the child might be born with a chromosome that would make him Gay like her brother.

This was the 90's soo...

In the play there are two ending one where she keeps the baby but her husband leaves and one where she doesn't and they stay married. Both have a huge effect on her and her life and everyone around her. In the ending where she has the abortion her brother decides he can no longer be involved in his family's life. Everyone believes they made the right choice but it's up for interpretation if those choices are for the better or the worse.

Making everyone's opinion come out in the open is a great way to make the audience take a side no matter what happens.

Hope that helps.
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Jenniferkc22
Posted: December 13th, 2016, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Female Gaze
Interpretation is fine if done properly. Look at twilight of the golds(I personally don't care for the play but the movie was good) anyway the main character had to decide to abort her child or keep it because it was determined the child might be born with a chromosome that would make him Gay like her brother.

This was the 90's soo...

In the play there are two ending one where she keeps the baby but her husband leaves and one where she doesn't and they stay married. Both have a huge effect on her and her life and everyone around her. In the ending where she has the abortion her brother decides he can no longer be involved in his family's life. Everyone believes they made the right choice but it's up for interpretation if those choices are for the better or the worse.

Making everyone's opinion come out in the open is a great way to make the audience take a side no matter what happens.

Hope that helps.


Hi Ashlie, yes, that helps a lot.
I have not seen the movie or play but I will look them up, thank you!
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eldave1
Posted: December 14th, 2016, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I am not a fan of this as much as some of the others so maybe I am just an outlier. But it read like an anti abortion commercial to me.  SO, take these with a grain of salt - just my thoughts.

First a minor point - Ariel as the lead's name. Not sure a wise choice. She's trying on mermaid costumes and Ariel was Disney's Little Mermaid. Was this a purposeful connection?


Quoted Text
ARIEL (CONT'D)
I'm a murderess.

SARAH
No, you're not.

ARIEL

I almost was.


On page 4 Ariel already seems to have flipped - now she believes it is a human being and abortion would be murder.  The subsequent conversation with Jack also confirms that. In my view this undermines the plot points going forward - the sneaking out of the Clinic. The surprise by Jack and Sarah that she has. Jack does not want her to abort. Sarah doesn't and she doesn't . A very long winded way of saying at this point she should still be deliberating the issue - weighing the impact on her life and career so that the slip out the back door has more impact/surprise.

Maybe the Doctor does not come in the first scene. It's just Sarah and Ariel in the room waiting. Then Jack comes and does his thing. She kicks them out. Then while Sarah and Jack are in the Lobby - the Doc or Nurse comes in and does the ultrasound - wala - a heartbeat. A revelation.

Overall, Jack is way too over the top/preachy in my view making his character seem unnatural.


Quoted Text
SARAH
Her biological mother abused her
when she and Ariel's dad were getting
a divorce. She once left her in the
woods alone for an entire day. She
was only 6 years old. So yeah, she
has some hang-ups.


I thought this was way too on the nose. Jack has slept with her, purportedly thought she was the one and felt close enough to barge into a medical room - but he has zero clue on her past. How close could they have been? And the details in the dialogue are forced ("biological", "while they were getting divorced", etc.).


Quoted Text
Sarah and Jack get up.
SARAH
Thank you.
JACK
Thanks for everything. Sorry I forced
my way in earlier.
NURSE
It's understandable. Take care.


Don't think you need any of the above - the scene could just end with the info that she left for the show. Also not sure a Nurse in an abortion clinic would say it is understandable that someone burst into a private medical room.


Quoted Text
REPORTER
Are you the baby's father?
JACK
As a matter of fact, yes I am.
10.
REPORTER
How do you feel about abortion? We
heard that you are pro-life. Don't
you think it's a woman's right to be
able to choose?
JACK
I think the couple should decide.
Not just the woman.
REPORTER
So you think abortion is wrong?
JACK
I didn't say that. I think that
that it's a very personal choice.
As for me and Ariel, we made our
decision and stand by it.


This is really forced.  The Reporter has to ask if you are the baby's father and at the same time knows what his position on abortion is?? All in the span of a TV show? Maybe I missed the timeline.  And Jack really thinks it's a personal choice? No - he thinks it's murder.


Quoted Text
JACK
What the hell, Ariel! You don't
tell me that you're pregnant and
then you go and try to kill our kid
behind my back?


The story itself is a good one - the dialogue needs work IMO.

Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Jenniferkc22
Posted: January 12th, 2017, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave.

Actually you have some very valid points. After a lot of time away (a month or two) from this story I can see what you are saying. I know what I want to say I think, but it's not coming across in the story/script.

I am going to play around with it some more and make it not so forced and on the nose. I think some of the problem may be that I don't know Ariel and Jack as characters like I should. Gasp, I must admit, I am not sure I know them, and a writer must know their characters. I have another short where the words just flow because I know what the character would do and say-I am in his head.

I am glad the idea seems solid-and I appreciate your and everyone's opinions/advice as always! Thank you. I need to get with the program and comment on others work. I have not been on the site for while.

P.S. As for her name, Ariel, yes it as after the Disney Princess. I wanted to show how a girl playing such an innocent part was actually not innocent, and not what she 'faked' to her family and the public, if that makes sense. I think I can do a better job of that, I know I can! Need to have confidence   haha.

Revision History (1 edits)
Jenniferkc22  -  January 12th, 2017, 5:04pm
Added content.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Jenniferkc22
Hi Eldave.

Actually you have some very valid points. After a lot of time away (a month or two) from this story I can see what you are saying. I know what I want to say I think, but it's not coming across in the story/script.

I am going to play around with it some more and make it not so forced and on the nose. I think some of the problem may be that I don't know Ariel and Jack as characters like I should. Gasp, I must admit, I am not sure I know them, and a writer must know their characters. I have another short where the words just flow because I know what the character would do and say-I am in his head.

I am glad the idea seems solid-and I appreciate your and everyone's opinions/advice as always! Thank you. I need to get with the program and comment on others work. I have not been on the site for while.

P.S. As for her name, Ariel, yes it as after the Disney Princess. I wanted to show how a girl playing such an innocent part was actually not innocent, and not what she 'faked' to her family and the public, if that makes sense. I think I can do a better job of that, I know I can! Need to have confidence   haha.


My pleasure - best of luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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