A Swing And A Miss by Adam and Peter Skorupskas - Short, Drama, Private Eye - There is a girl missing in Detroit. Roger, (in a break out role by Langston Fishburne!) is the only private eye with the stones to take the case. But it's hard to find a clue in a city where everyone, and thing, is dirty. 15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

There are multiple writing mistakes in this one.

To beautiful...
Should be  too beautiful...

on page 2 who is Phil?

it's not a 'paid' of binoculars but a 'pair' of binoculars.  Even better, just binoculars.

The writing is full of poor constructions.  
The cook is seen...
boxer is working...
you use 'seem' or 'seems', and those are weasel words.  Just go ahead and describe what the audience sees.  

You could benefit from reading more good scripts or finding a mentor who can show you how to write better.

As far as story goes, this one wants to be about a hard-boiled private detective, but it is padded with scenes that do little to advance the plot.  This is a short.  Anything that doesn't contribute must be jettisoned.  Get to the essence.

Best
Richard

Read through the first page and then bailed - have to agree with Richard - there are some fundamentals that need addressing. As is, you are going to have a hard time getting folks to page 2. Do some googling, read some scripts - learn the formats. Best in your endeavors.