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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Zero Tolerance - Sold
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  Author    Zero Tolerance - Sold  (currently 1439 views)
Don
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zero Tolerance by Marcela Tingle - short, Drama - A young gay woman gets harassed by a group of teenagers. She can only take so much. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


+++++
Hi Don,
can you please remove my script on your website.
[...]
The reason is - somebody wants to film it! He's a student in Winchester University here in UK. Should be filmed in April 2018. There's no cash in it for me but hopefully I will finally get my first ever screenwriting credit. He found my script on your website, when it was highlighted as the 'script of the day'.
Thanks a lot for your help
Marcela



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 30th, 2017, 11:46am
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Kirsten
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Marcela,

Im still learning here too, so ill tell you if i like the story and share what ive learnt so far.....im using a tablet at the mo, so excuse improper caps etc....


SPOILER

I like the story. I like that you make it look like her fault when in fact she learns its not. I think thats interesting and sends out a message about how revenge can sometimes backfire. The ending though seemed odd, it didnt feel right that she laughed after realising he killed himself. Its pretty sad that he was bullied. She comes across as very stressed to have accidentally killed him, but isnt botbered that he killed himself because of bullying.... did you want her to come across as uncaring at the end.... I know she is relieved, maybe thats what you were conveying, she does come across as a bit heartless. If thats your intention, it works...

"Lenka looks into Marek’s meaty face, hoping it would force
him to look at her. Instead, he turns away and chases after
the ball."
This is too much telling.....remember the camera has to be able to film it.the use of the word hope is an inner thought. Ive pasted examples of where its very obvious...  

"She drinks the wine like orange juice. Puts the empty glass
on the plastic table. She leans over the railing. Watches
the stillness below."
This is good, all action, all filmable.

"The clock on the wall shows one o’clock. Lenka is dressed in
black clothing. Now she puts a black anorak on. Pulls the
hood over her head and leaves for the..."
You don't need, "now she", we know the timing already, just...she puts...


"Lenka opens a box of sleeping pills with shaky hands.
Zopiclone. She takes three of them. She’s a ball of nerves."
Shaky hands is good action, good showing. Ball of nerves isnt neccessary, we know vrom shaky hands she is nervious. If you want you can always add another action, to show the nerves, like dropping one of the pills. You did this further on with her accidentally turning on the window wipers accidentally. That was good.

"Kristyna rushes out of the living room to have a look out of
the window in the study."
Kristyna rushes out of the living room into the

STUDY

Looks out the window.


"Said in an absent voice. She can’t believe it’s actually
happening..."
Dont need this, unfilmable, the fat that needs cutting off.

"Some of the youths drink from beer cans and smoke joints.
Most of them don’t care about Marek, they just like the
opportunity to drink and do drugs."
Show us that they dont care. We cant see that they dont care...

I noticed that you use alot of ing to show where charcters are...I.e Lenken sitting at her desk. Its best to use sits at her desk, as it gives a more precise action. I try to avoid ing as much as possible, but its not a rule set in stone of course.

The dialogue was mostly good, I didnt feel the use of"unexplained death" was needed when she learned about his death. It didnt seem to fit. The news reporter dialogue could have been more realistic.


So all in all, good story, it flows well, just needs more work. Keep on with this, its definately a good premise.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Fausto
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Marcella,
I liked the story but (there's always a but)...the action block is too verbose, I think you can express the same action minimizing the words. Also, I don't think you should give camera instructions in the spec script...leave it up to the director.
"CLOSE UP on the screen. A MALE REPORTER, 40s, standing in
the middle of the housing estate and CLOSE UP on the screen. A reporter surrounded by housing
blocks.
I would write this with:
INSERT:
COMPUTER SCREEN - A MALE REPORTER standing on the middle of the housing estate.
             Dialogue....
BACK TO SCENE
(continue the story...)
Work on the style. The story is good. I like the "dyke" angle. Remember, writing a script is not like writing a novel. Actions are more important than thoughts.
All my best,
Fausto
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Marcela
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Dear Kirsten and Fausto,
thank you so much for your tips!

KIRSTEN - I didn't want Lenka to come across as uncaring so, well, maybe she should be laughing. Yes, my scripts are full of too much telling, I definitely need ti work on it! Lenka dropping the sleeping pill  - I like that idea very much!
Unfilmables - that's a big dilema for me. Some produced scripts (for example on BBC writers room) have plenty of unfilmables in them, I noticed. Perhaps my unfilmables need improvement so that nobody notices them!
When it comes to -ing in the scripts, I've gone through various phases. At one point I got rid of all of them, as suggested by many people. Then I read a few scripts  of my favourite movies and they had plenty of -ing. At the moment I like to use -ing when the action lasts for some time.

FAUSTO - yes, I know what you mean by my action lines being too verbose, pretty much everybody keeps pointing that out. Old habits die hard.
I only put CLOSE UP because I couldn't think of anything better. INSERT is the correct way.

Well, I'd better get on with rewriting all of my scripts, it's only around 300 pages in total, LOL.


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Fausto
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Marcela,
300 pages only ?...Fun, fun, fun....one page at the time with determination and creativity. You can do it!
My best,
Fausto
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SAC
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Marcela,

Not sure what she is trying to do with the knife - page 5. Does she want to fill up her sleeve with foam to see if it hardens? If so why not just squirt a little in a dish? The knife adds to the tension of the scene perhaps, but the fact she's already dressed in black kinda gives us an idea she is up to no good.

Bottom page 8 - how much paler can Lenka get? Too much info, repetitive.

Earlier, I forget which page, you had a car serving to abould some trash in the road. Liked that. Thought it was great foreshadowing!

Wow! You gave us a twist! Did not see that coming. Great job.

I am not sure why Lenka was sobbing when she first saw the news on the internet. Wasn't this what she wanted to achieve in the first place?

Also, I'm not sure how Lenka can be happy in the end. I mean, she set out to kill someone. Even if that wasn't what killed him, there must surely be some kind of guilt that will forever shroud her days. But perhaps that's what you meant by the line - "I just like the lights." - in reference to the Christmas lights at the end. If that is, then well done! That actually holds a lot of meaning in regards to her actions and how she feels now.

Yet, in this story and your others, one thing lacks for me and that is your protagonists usually don't have any redeeming qualities to make them likeable. I don't root for them, and I don't like them because they do things seemingly with no regard for the repercussions of the possible outcome. What happened to Lenka that was so bad that she decided to murder? Called a few derogatory names? Boo hop! Now, if one of these youths had killed her little puppy then I could understand what would drive her to such an action, and it would make the eventual outcome more understandable, meaning we would have actually felt sorry for Lenka. It would have given us, the reader, a reason to root for her.

My two cents. Take it or leave it. Always good to read something new from you!

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one seems like overkill to me.  I can see where Lenka wants the taunting to end, but why doesn't she try something less fatal?  Escalation can take place, and that can justify.  In any case, most of this is good.  The dialogue seems fine, and the characters work for me.  I like the old lady who knows the latest gossip.  Lenka's girlfriend needs some fleshing out, something that adds to the story.  And you might consider making Lenka's action worthless.  The next kid takes up the taunting.  What will she do now?  

Best
Richard
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Kirsten
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Marcela

I know what you mean about the unfilmables and ings. Im guessing that at long as you have the proper action laid out, an unfilmable that sums up the action is okay. But only if it helps with the flow and there is mimimal use i suppose....if a writer doesnt have that action line and just uses an unfilmable then thats when the script police get onto you...lol...
With the ings, in the end its a personal thing when to use them.

And hey re writing 300 pages will be a fantastic learning experience. Its all about the re write! I have 5 shorts to re write... and I have to wait cause my mac is not functioning at the moment. Frustrating!

Keep at it
Cheers, Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Marcela
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,
thanks a lot for your feedback. I didn't think you would fancy reading it again (you read one of the longer versions a long time ago if I remember correctly). It's a little embarrasing that I'm getting nowhere with it while you are getting your scripts produced!
Lenka trying to fill her sleeve with expandable foam? LOL! No, she pushed the whole tin in her sleeve to hide it. Well, maybe it's not the best idea. Maybe she should take her rucksack with her.
Lenka wanted only to cause damage to Marek's car. She's sobbing because she's scared that the police will come knocking on her door. It looks like I have to make it more obvious or change it.
Once again many thanks!
Marcela


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Marcela
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,
thank you very much for your insight. Why didn't Lenka try something less fatal? Well, blocking the exhaust pipe shouldn't be fatal, as long as I'm concerned. Based on my research, it would be problematic to start the engine. But there's been a few cases with snow blockages -  people were warming up in cars and died, so I can imagine there is a potential for fatal accident. Perhaps Lenka needs a friend, somebody who she can disscuss all these things with, and that way the readers will know what her intentions are?
Yes, I agree that I have to make Lenka's partner more alive.
Thanks a lot for reading it
Marcela
















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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
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Hi Don,
can you please remove my script on your website.
[...]
The reason is - somebody wants to film it! He's a student in Winchester University here in UK. Should be filmed in April 2018. There's no cash in it for me but hopefully I will finally get my first ever screenwriting credit. He found my script on your website, when it was highlighted as the 'script of the day'.
Thanks a lot for your help
Marcela



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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