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Poultice by John Anglicus - Short, Western - A desperate mother[-]to-be visits the Native American wise woman who may be able to help her child live, if only her father hadn't murdered the woman's husband. - pdf, format
a missing hyphen in the logline.
The title is not capitalized on the title page.
Bold slugs. Not the biggest fan.
"One hand rests lightly on the bulge of her pregnant stomach[,] the other on the pommel of her saddle."
O.C. is usually O.S., but either one can be used.
Not sure about her name. Sounds a bit masculine.
Another missing comma. Last time I'm gonna mention them.
"CONTUNUOUS" is almost never needed.
Our first orphan. Try to avoid these, because a little can add up to a lot, and before you know it, you've got a page or two's worth of them. Try adding or removing a word.
Quoted Text
PAUWAU That is sad.
This is obvious. Change it to something like...
Quoted Text
PAUWAU Sorry to hear that.
...or...
Quoted Text
PAUWAU My condolences.
Avoid on-the-nose (OTN) dialogue; most people don't talk like that in real life.
Quoted Text
PAUWAU And.[..?]
Quoted Text
PAUWAU My husband died because of your Pa, can you return him?
Improper use of a comma. I'd use a semicolon or a period instead.
P3 is almost all dialogue. Give them something to do, even if it's just twiddling their thumbs.
"The land is a[s] poisoned as you."
Had to Google the title.
"puts it on the table too."
Not sure if "too" is needed. And even if it is, it needs a comma.
Had to Google "desiccated."
Quoted Text
ANNIE Urgh.
"Annie Grunts" works better, and save you two lines.
Careful with those parentheticals.
"She SCREAMS into the empty room." If thise shot takes place in a different room, you need a new slug or mini slug.
"Labour." British?
"Newborn." The hyphen is unnecessary.
No "FADE OUT?" No "CUT TO BLACK?"
It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst. It was alright. It wasn't atrocious; all it needs is a good spit-shine... and an ending. Good luck.
Good characters. Would be a nice story if you had a better ending. Rightnow it falls flat for me. Pau is angry still, Im thinking she need to do smthing sinister to Annie. Maybe save the baby but kill Annie. And now shes stuck with Annie's baby. Also you wrapped it up in pretty lazy way) - just jumped to Annies delivery. I think we should see Annie transferring the farm to Pauwau.
Pauwau - funny name. I wonder if you made it up. Very good work for such a hard genre
I couldn't get past why the women of the town want the poultice when it turns the baby into an Indian. Did I miss something. In any case, this one is too straightforward for me. The woman's family bad, the Indian family good. Life doesn't work that way for me.
Yup, we need to see the Dad. White or Indian, perhaps even Mexican? What's their reaction? Hey, she got to keep her land AND have a baby! Sounds like a good deal to me.
Great pace and premise. I just wish she had a little more sacrifice than her delivery.
Nice opening, it really set the scene for me in a lovely lean way.
Nice dialogue exchange, although the Red Indian didn't sound very authentic for me, but then again I was brought up watching John Wayne movies so my idea of what they sound like may be very wrong indeed!
I thought Pauwau was male at first, don’t know why I just did
This was building up into something special. I thought I was going to have to give this a Very Good or even an Excellent but then it ended so suddenly, with no ending and no FADE OUT, I was convinced you’d uploaded an incomplete draft by accident. I kept scrolling down thinking my computer had hung.
I thought you don’t even find out what Pauwau demanded in return and then I happened to glance at the ending again and spotted the one word which explains it.
Subtle, maybe too subtle. This needs more but it is an excellent start and a good entry for a OWC.
-Mark
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A woman rancher cursed with miscarriages begs help from an elderly Native American woman. The request is likely doomed because the rancher's father killed her husband years ago. Neither woman wants to die without an heir so a deal is made with an unusual outcome.
Potential. Could use some emotional depth so we feel more for the characters. Both women have lost so much. I was surprised at the number of miscarries.
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1) The ending - yep, I left the writing until the last day and ran out of time a little. 2) But... it was meant to be a subtle ending, she's given birth to a Native American child, that's the trade... a child who she doesn't miscarry but at a price. 3) Pauwau is an Algonquin girls name, means Witch. I didn't label her as a female as the challenge covered that... and she's a wisewoman archetype. 4) Conz/Chris - delighted to expand your vocabulary 5) Richard - I didn't mean to imply that the poultice always had this effect, just in this special case, I'll see if I can clarify in the re-write. 6) Seeing the Dad, well that was against the rules... but, it's also not going to be a Mexican or Indian father, that just didn;t happen in the wild west, interracial relationships were largely unheard of. 7) Orphans - shmorphans Also didn't mean to imply she kept the land, she traded the land and the race of her child... again will try and fix in re-write.
I enjoyed the challenge of writing in an unfamiliar genre, but struggled a little to come up with something for first five days, was very relieved when I finally had an idea.
I will definiteky be re-writing this so thanks to all for comments.
Okay. I had this mentioned on my script as well. I've googled it and I can't find a clear answer. What is an orphan??? Could you please explain what they are and how to avoid them?
Okay. I had this mentioned on my script as well. I've googled it and I can't find a clear answer. What is an orphan??? Could you please explain what they are and how to avoid them?