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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Traceless
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Don
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Traceless by Brynmor Leyshon  - Short, Drama, Crime, Paranormal - There's a murderer on the loose. Can detective Croft stop him or her before he or she claims another victim? 6 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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EscapeVelocity13
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Traceless Review

Observations
- I noticed with this is the lack of an author’s name under the title of the script. This should not be blank.
- The first person we’re introduced to is named “1ST VICTIM”, this doesn’t work. Of the person is to be a victim, let the reader find this out on their own. First rule of screenwriting is “Show, don’t tell”
- It’s spelled Ouija, not Weedje
- The story as a hole didn’t work for me. It kind of just ended, and didn’t make the most sense. SPOLIER: There’s no rhyme or reason why this guy kills his wife…nor why, in her spirit form, she would be after anyone but her husband?
I think you have the pieces to a story here, but it feels a lot is missing and has made the story somewhat hard to follow and make sense of. I say keep writing as this could be a good genre bending script.

Good luck to you.
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eldave1
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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There are many ways to format phone calls. One you have on the opening page is not one of them. Check out this link - should be helpful:

http://www.storysense.com/format/telephone.htm


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think you have the seed of a good story here. You had me interested and reading, which is really good because I'm a tough suspension of belieffffer.

On page 4, Steven says,
>"What we're dealing with... is a ghost.

I thought this dialogue should have been introduced earlier somehow because it's
VERY OBVIOUS

We are. So yeah:

Make it a bit subtle, but where the characters are learning something "they don't know", not us.

As I'm reviewing this, I'm wondering about:

The appearance of THE MANSION.

Whose mansion? How can we connect? ... because we went from The Croft House

I note your slugs are inconsistent

We have

>EXT. MANSION - NIGHT

and then

>EXT. PSYCHIC RESIDENCE - NIGHT

The mental drift happens as the dialogue proves it out:

Croft is in the mansion and says,

>Cross over? You mean die?

After the Psychic nods "yes", (pg 3) -

We shift to a new unnecessary slug:

EXT. PSYCHIC RESIDENCE - NIGHT

which I think you intended to be all part and parcel of The Mansion Scene - So:

Label it Mansion or Psychic's Residence or Psychic's Mansion you know...

There are other little things I could tinker with and mention, but I liked this work.

Good on ya!

Sandra







A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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