Star In A Car by Simon Parker - Short, Drama, Romance - The worlds most famous film actress is on a drive but when her car breaks down in a small town, the only mechanic around will have to come to her rescue.  11 pages - pdf, format

For production consideration - No comments required

Simon:

Cool title.

This:

Quoted Text Star in a car - simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk 2.

On the top of every page was a bit distracting.

Overall I thought it was a little derivative of Notting Hill and there were several places were the dialogue was On The Nose/Stilted.

Solid structure and a complete story.

I liked the overall idea and story. I do think that in Kelly's intro you could stay more with her, show her getting hounded by the paparazzis. In its current state, the scene is too brief and we don't really get much of a chance to connect with her. I have to agree with eldave1 that too much of the dialogue is on-the-nose. I think that a dialogue rewrite would help it out immensely because this is the kind of story where you want to feel the sexual tension between the two characters, but because the dialogue is often so obvious, that match is never lit so things seem obvious and predictable. Not to mention that for me, Kelly being so trusting of David to the point of falling for him at the end just seems a bit out of character. I think that a suggestion of a future between them would be better instead of them just outright kissing. For me, they just didn't spend enough time together to truly fall in love.

Also, I'm surprised that the script doesn't take anything like social media into account. I think there should at least be a mention of it somewhere, but if you can include it to mix it up in the plot, even better and could help separate it from Notting Hill. There's definitely potential for something good here and I don't think you're so far off from achieving it. Good luck!

Some notes.

This does not read like a modern story.  Modern cars, especially one a rich starlet might own, are run by computers.  Fixing them isn't a matter of changing a spark plug.  That said, I like the premise of the story.  Plain country boy wants out.  Finds someone who has what he thinks he wants, and he learns that maybe the grass isn't greener.

And the starlet doesn't ring true for me either.  She worked hard to get where she was, and tossing that doesn't seem to match her history.  But that's me.

In any case, this one is fine.  Needs an edit, but that's easy enough.

Best
Richard