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The motif feels familiar - hitman with a conscience - but the writing is slick and keeps it moving, I like how you handled the action. Simple story, works well for the space with an ending that was surprisingly emotive given Annie’s only a character in V.O. - good job on that.
My only thought was Annie’s V.O. felt a bit drawn out - perhaps a touch too padded for the 7 pages it needed to run. Maybe less is more, but a minor consideration. A solid read.
Good luck with it.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Nice well don script with minimal weaknesses (most have already been mentioned). It's been years since I wrote a screenplay in German about a mafia professional assassin who gets the job of killing a young woman who witnessed a murder. When he wants to kill her, he finds out that the witness is his daughter, who turned away from him because of his job. He decides to protect his daughter against her will, who would rather have confidence in a policeman (who is a mafia informant). Both flee, and there is a showdown at the Berlin Zoo between the father and the son of the mafia boss (the murderer, whom his daughter has seen), and his daughter saves him by shooting the son of the mafia boss.
There's nothing more I can add that someone else hasn't mentioned, but I just wanted to say I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I found your writing style elegant and it definitely made me want to know more about Tyler.
Anyway, just wanted to say good job. This was a great read and I look forward to your other stories.
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