Cain and Abel, Blood and Water by Matthew Akisanya - Short, Drama, Action - A retelling of the Biblical story of Cain and Abel.  15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I wrote this while reminiscing about the Biblical films of the 50s and 60s that I loved. From 'The Robe' to John Huston's 'The Bible, in the Beginning.'

HyperMatt,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

Firstly, I have to admit that this story isn't one I'd read on my own. That is nothing to do with your writing or style but just as a story in of itself.

With that in mind, I did read it. Not bad.

The action was easy to follow and straightforward for the most part.
Your dialogue was good.
I liked the cinematic visual ending.

Just a few opinions and suggestions from my end.

Character ages:
60+. 70+.
-I haven't seen too many of those instances used.
-I'd stick to good old, 60s. 70s.

Transitions:
After you faded out, you didn't fade back in.
-Probably a nitpick and I know I have seen scripts without them but just food for thought.
FADE OUT:
-You didn't fade out at the end of your screenplay. You should. Or type THE END.

Camera Directing:
CLOSE UP - BACK OF A WOMAN'S HAND.
STOKE SHOT.
-You'll probably get the old. Leave that to the director.
-Consider writing it in the way that you see it without the use of camera angles.

Dialogue:
It feel flat on a couple of spots.
Examples:
Page 3.
ADAM
Wonderful! My new creation. I think
I will call it Cyan.
-I didn't care for that line or that scene. But that might just be my prospective. See what others think.

Page 6.
CAIN (CONT�D)
Do you really think the creator is
really going to appreciate the
stench of a defenceless young beast
that you slaughtered?
-I would take out the second use of really. Actually, I would take it out and replace it with truly. Makes it sound older. More of a period way of speaking. I'd assume.
CAIN
Do you truly think the creator is going to appreciate the
stench of a defenceless young beast
that you slaughtered?

CONT'D:
It was suggested to me once to remove the automatic use of CONT'D. I did and I agree it is easier on the eyes and less distracting. So I offer that suggestion to anyone I see using them. The choice is yours.

I hope some of these notes help.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty

Thanks a lot for your detailed feedback Marty. I didn't not realise that CONT'D was in there. I'm using Final Draft 9 and didn't look at the PDF it created.
I see what you are saying about camera shots, i do try and stay away from them. Maybe I should have just said we see the back of the woman's hand, as this was supposed to be before a full reveal.
Cheers. I can see your doing your bit at looking at other people's work on the site.

Matthew.

Matthew,

You are more than welcome. I hope you find some of it helpful.

Maybe I should have just said we see the back of the woman's hand, as this was supposed to be before a full reveal.
-Yes. Great Idea.

The CONT'D is a great point and often overlooked.
You can thank good ol' eldave1 for that one.

Cheers. I can see your doing your bit at looking at other people's work on the site.
-I appreciate the kind words.

Again, good job.

All the best,
Marty

I've had some interest from a film student who wants to film this in the great forests of New South Wales. I'll keep you posted.

Matthew,

Great news!

Fingers crossed and best of luck to you.

All the best,
Marty

Yes... fingers crossed.

thanks Marty.

Matthew,

You're more than welcome.

It was a nice script. I'm sure it would be easy to film.

I had three prospects for my script Daddy but nothing has come out of it so far, so I'm definitely pulling for you and everyone else on here.

All the best,
Marty

3 prospects is impressive. Give it time, and keep writing.

Matthew,

Thank you. I appreciate the positivity and motivation.

Keep us posted.

All the best,
Marty

Matthew - the story is really not my cup of tea (others will love it) but I did note a style issue that I think would help. You start too many sentences the same way, making the read feel more stilted then it actually is - for example, this passage:

Quoted Text Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders and turns him round. Abel grimaces from this rough treatment. Cain throws Abel’s sack aside and pulls up Abel’s clothing, revealing his back. Cain pulls out a flint from his back and breaks off a small branch from the tree. Cain lights the branch and shines it on Abel’s back, revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.

Shake up the structure a little bit to make it pop more - just spit balling, bit something like:


Cain grabs Abel by the shoulders, roughly turns him round.

A grimace from Abel as Cain and pulls up Abel’s clothing,
baring his back.

CAIN
Be still.

The SNAP of a twig as Cain breaks it from a tree. He strikes a flint on a rock and
lights the branch.

Cain shines the light on Abel’s back,
revealing an elaborate tattoo map of the forest.

Not exactly that - the point being, sometimes XX did this, XX does that can drag down a read - you can make it more interesting by breaking that pattern.

Hope this makes sense

Thanks for the honest critic Dave. I'll bear your points in mind.

Quoted from HyperMatt Thanks for the honest critic Dave. I'll bear your points in mind.

No problem. By the way - it was the only real hiccup for me - thought the writing was otherwise very solid

Thanks.  
One of the things that prompted me to write this, I heard that Faith based movies are quite hot right now.

Of course, I also know that story (from the Mormon Children's Service), which would have made it more exciting if you had put the script into the present day, When it came to two brothers arguing over the love of the Father, which had a business The result of this is jealousy and hatred of the older generation for the younger, which leads to murder, Because some Bible stories have something to tell people today.

I've read the Mormon 'Pearl of Great Price', how they expand on the story of Cain and Abel. I'm not sure if they were the ones that spread the pernicious myth that the mark of Cain being black skin. I don't think this influenced the story. Making it contemporary I think takes away from it somewhat (can you imagine Moses using his IPhone to contact God on Wassap Messenger?'.
It's funny you should mention Mormonism, because my next short is about the death of Mormon founder Joseph Smith in the Carthage Jail. That is a fascinating religion.

There's a modern version of this. The mini-series Kane and Abel, based on the novel by Jeffery Archer. Brilliantly played by Sam Neil and Peter Strauss.

Quoted from HyperMatt I've read the Mormon 'Pearl of Great Price', how they expand on the story of Cain and Abel. I'm not sure if they were the ones that spread the pernicious myth that the mark of Cain being black skin. I don't think this influenced the story. Making it contemporary I think takes away from it somewhat (can you imagine Moses using his IPhone to contact God on Wassap Messenger?'. It's funny you should mention Mormonism, because my next short is about the death of Mormon founder Joseph Smith in the Carthage Jail. That is a fascinating religion.

You do not have to take the "Pearl of great Price" seriously. It's an invention of Joseph "always horny" Smith, to pull the money from gullible idiots.
Moses with a cell phone calling to God would be weird. But I mean the essence of a message. What's up with Cain and Abel? Two brothers, one of whom is more loved by God (Father) than the other. Whereupon the other jealousy kills his brother. The topics are: jealousy, guilt and forgiveness! And they can just as well be presented in a modern robe, as in an ancient robe. And I tried to make that clear to you.

Speaking of the death of Joseph Smith:
Did you know that he wanted to summon the Nauvoo Legion to Carthage to rescue him? And that the Deputy Commander (Smith was the Lieutenant-General of the Nauvoo Legion) refused because it would have meant a bloodbath in Carthage? And that he had two smuggled pistols in jail shooting at the attackers? Or that he called the distress signal of the Masons when he fell out of the window? Few Mormons know these facts about the "Prophet" Joseph Smith, whom his followers consider a martyr, but who was nothing more than a liar, cheater, and slacker.

That's what interests me in the story of his death. Before the advent of the internet, very few Mormons knew that Joseph Smith killed two people and injured others with a hidden pistol during his so-called martyrdom.
The life of Joseph Smith would make a great bio.  Certainly one of the most controversial figures in American History. Only non-Mormon film  I've seen tackle him (if very briefly) was 'September Dawn'. Dean Cain was very good in the role.

How do you want to start the script? With his stay in prison? His escape after the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor? Or do you want to focus on the minutes before his death? If so, you should see the reasons that led to the arrest either be told by Joseph Smith (off) or in a dialog between Smith and another Person (perhaps his brother Hyrum or John Taylor).
Here, how I would start a script about Joseph Smith:

LUCY (69) stands at the grave. She cried. EMMA (40), her daughter-in-law, stands next to her, as were her grandchildren. She did not cry. Without expression she looks at the open grave in which the coffin of her husband Joseph lay.
What does she think of, Lucy thought? How many times he cheated on her with other women? Women who were sometimes minors, or already married to other men, such as Sister Zina Jacobs standing a little distance from the grave and cried. ,

It will be mostly set in the Carthage Jail,  with two Jailors, Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum. I would really like to expand it to include the mob that had good reasons in their opinion to kill Smith, but that may make it too expensive, but there is a lot of drama there. A polygamist who takes another man's wife because he says God commanded it, that's an understandable trigger for wanting vengeance.

I would take three persons, Joseph, Hyrum and John Taylor, who talk. Noise from outside (shots, mob,), as well as a jailer speaking (but not seen) would complete it. What would you think about it?
By the way, if I were to write a script about the life of Joseph "always horny" Smith, I would have the unifying text of the offs talked by his mother, Lucy Mack Smith, and start with his birth and the family's poor relationships because that the motivation of the figure of Joseph Smith.

Good news. The director is moving foward with production. She will be interviewing crew in the next few weeks. Hope to shoot in early 2019.

Cool!

Shooting in the forests of New South Wales, Australia.

I imagined a Blair Witch type of enviroment when I wrote it.

Matthew,

That's great news.

All the best,
Marty

Thanks Marty.
And good luck with your own projects.

from Matt,

"My script 'Cain and Abel, Blood and Water' is now in pre-production and will hopefully shoot in first quarter of 2019."

Great news - congrats

Thanks Eldave.
Hopefully, this time next year, we can all watch this on YouTube.

This one is back on the table. The deal I had with the young film-maker fell through, i.e. has broken off all contact. I know that is an all too familiar scenario to my fellow SimplyScripters from what I have read over the years.
That's show business!

But we'll keep marching on!

Quoted from HyperMatt This one is back on the table. The deal I had with the young film-maker fell through, i.e. has broken off all contact. I know that is an all too familiar scenario to my fellow SimplyScripters from what I have read over the years. That's show business!

Yeah that's the worst, especially the broken all contact thing. I’ve had that happen several times. How hard is it just to say the film can’t go through for whatever reason, sorry.

Even had 2 shorts filmed (seen the behind the scenes shots) and then they’ve fallen through.

Until you see the completed project nothing is certain.

I currently have 4 films in post-production, I have evidence that all 4 have been filmed, but because of past issues it’s still a nervous wait to see if they are actually released.

Thanks Warren.

It’s good to look at them as battle scars.

But the battle goes on

4 films in post-production... that’s impressive.

Quoted from HyperMatt Thanks.   One of the things that prompted me to write this, I heard that Faith based movies are quite hot right now.

Cheers, 2 of them were picked up in 2016, so it’s been a long wait. The other 2 both this year. That’s another thing; everybody works at very different speeds. It definitely helps if you’re a patient person. I unfortunately am not.

Me and you both.

Hey Matt, I read it and liked it. I'm no expert on the bible but it seems interesting. The dialogue fits what I know and read a little of the bible, but 'dry' I guess you could say? I think it's interesting continuing anything with Adam and eve. I can't recall has there been anything in film/books that really shows their story or anything much after Eden? Are you still writing it or is this it? I would like to see more.

Thanks for reading Clark, I'm glad you enjoyed.
Your're right, there is not a lot of stuff there about Adam and Eve, but there is loads and loads, and loads of apocryphal material out there, namely the Book of Jubilees and the Book of Enoch.

I am currently hard at work adapting this work as a novel. The story is greatly expanded, and I'm finding it a lot of fun and fascinating.

I'll post updates.

Cheers.