The Condom by Bernard Mersier - Short, Drama - If only the eyes of a child could speak what they go through. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoting yourself at the beginning of your script? That's very brave.

Hi Bernard,

Enjoyable read, sad ending.


Your "SUPERIMPOSE" needs to be after the first sentence or paragraph.


Daniel

I like how we unrealistically hear the story from a semi-adultified baby (kinda like Stewie Griffin). The story would have been bland without this unusual perspective.

The quotes in the beginning and ending seem redundant... no, more than that... it feels preachy, which can be annoying if the viewer doesn't buy the message. Whatever you want to say with the film should be said within the story.

A bigger point is this...

page 9:

Quoted Text We can tell from the view and how the sound of clutter gently moved by his little hands, he's lying on his stomach

I'm having trouble imaging this, and I think it would be easier to show Dante lying on his stomach by shooting just that. I would rather write "Dante lies on his stomach" and then let the director decide how that is shown visually.

There are tendencies of "you could tell by the look in her eyes that she was thinking of Paris" also elsewhere in the script. For example on page 13...

Quoted Text We hear her moving through the apartment towards Dominique’s room.

It might be possible for a smart director to pull that off, but if it was me I would probably have to show it directly to convey the idea.

On page 14...

Quoted Text the weeping coming from Jamal standing over his only child’s casket, wishing he could’ve got custody preventing this from happening.

How can you tell from video and audio what Jamal is wishing?

I like how you make the relevance of the condom a mystery, and reveal it only at the very end. It surprised me, and it certainly helped maintain my interest until the end.