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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Bibliophiles
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  Author    Bibliophiles  (currently 731 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2018, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bibliophiles by Mitchell Gray - Short, Drama - A seemingly harmless encounter between a book-lover and a young woman on his daily commute creates a mysterious bond that quickly turns sinister.  14 pages - pdf format

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DaveTroop
Posted: August 22nd, 2018, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mitchell

I thought your script was entertaining.  It reminded me of "Vanilla Sky."  
You see the story first through the mind of the main character before you see reality.

Repeating the same scene in the beginning is risky IMO.  The reader could lose interest in the story instead of wondering what is going on.  I kept reading to find out how you were going to explain the coincidenses of the books, but I could feel my couriousity slowly waning.
I liked the addition of the audiobook and switching the narrarator's voice to Maral's.

SPOILER

When you finally revealed Markham was a test subject and all this was in his mind, I felt a little cheated.  Not that it's a cheap trick or easy out to an unexplainable situation, but more of a minor let down.  I felt the same way watching "Vanilla Sky."  That may just be me.

This was extremely well written.  You kept the story moving along nicely.

The repeated (Cont'd) s  during Markham's dialogue took me out of the script after awhile.
Also you use a lot of parentheticals, which also distract from a smooth read.

Overall, I thought it was a very good sci-fi script, in the vein of Twilight Zone.

Good luck with this.  It would make a great short film.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 22nd, 2018, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mitchell

Sorry I’ve just read this as I need to go - bad timing. Il,come back later.

But - very well written. My snap shot was, for a short, it needs to be condensed.

Also, filming wise, if you made it on a bus it gets filmed more quickly.

Final thought, I didn’t like the end - I wanted her to be a figure. One to ponder.






My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MGray
Posted: August 22nd, 2018, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,
Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate it.
I will definitely consider cutting a little from the start and editing out any expendable parentheticals.
Also still debating the twist/ending. I'm quite happy with it, but not opposed to another inspiring idea popping up, either.
Thanks again.
Take care,
Mitchell
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MGray
Posted: August 22nd, 2018, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Reef Dreamer,
Thank you very much for your preliminary comments. Great things for me to think about.
I look forward to your return.
I didn't understand what you meant by wanting her to be a "figure"?
Cheers,
Mitchell
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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I forgot to comment on this. I liked it. Good story and told well. Nice work.
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MGray
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,
Thank you very much for the read. I appreciate it.
Cheers,
Mitchell
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SilvaSly104
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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This was a great read. Not the ending I had hoped for, but I was nevertheless engaged from start to finish. Your descriptions of the action scenes were on-point, almost novel-like, which were amazing to read. I really can't think of any criticisms. This would truly make for an interesting short film. Great work, Mitchell.
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MGray
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hello SilvaSly,
Thank you very much for your read of Bibliophiles. I'm very happy that you enjoyed it.
I was wondering if an alternative ending came to your mind that you would have preferred?
I'm pretty happy with my ending, but not completely attached to it and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks again.
Cheers,
Mitchell
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