He Harm Many by Adam Nadworniak - Short, Drama - After surviving the wrath of a slasher a year earlier young Jamie turns to a secret company that matches the perfect slasher to his Final girl. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Adam: - you got several issues on the first 1/2 page.

Quoted Text "HE HARM MANY"

Don't put your title on the opening page - should be a separate title page

FADE IN:

Quoted Text EXT. CEMETERY-NIGHT

Wrong format - missing spaces. Should be:

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

Quoted Text The screen is all black. As the camera slowly pans back, we can see were in an old wooded cemetery

If it is all black - we can't see anything.
Lost the camera directions - especially since we don't know what we're panning back form.
Don't need to mention cemetery in header and description. Instead, use the space to describe it. s/b something like:

Dark.

Weather worn headstones scattered beneath old oak trees.

Quoted Text The sound of running feet and screaming breaks the deafening silence.

CAP sounds - and tell us if this is a man or a Conan's scream. e.g.,

The THUD of running feet and the panicked SCREAM of a woman...

Quoted Text and a young blonde seventeen year old named JAMIE enters and she blooded and beaten and is gushing blood from a slash across her throat.

A bit clumsy. Write active. Rather than blood is gushing - blood gushes. Maybe:

JANE (17) blonde,  badly beaten, seventeen enters. Blood
gushes  from a slash across her throat.

Quoted Text JAMIE (OUT OF BREATH) Oh god...somebody Help...help me... somebody help me.

Wring format. Should be:

JAMIE
(OUT OF BREATH)
Oh god...somebody Help...help me...
somebody help me.

Though I don't think you need out of breath at all - kind of implied. Also - not sure someone with their throat slashed is even going to be conscious let alone running and screaming.

This:

Quoted Text Jamie limps as she keeps pressure on stab wound on her thigh,that's gushing blood. Her hair is covered with blood and sweat. Her white tank top is covered in blood and sweat and shes also been stabbed several tines out from the darkness of a teenager can be heard

Needs work. Again - active - gushes. And avoid repeating things over and over.

Jamie limps as she keeps pressure on stab wound on her
thigh. Her hair and clothes are covered with blood
and sweat.

I don't know what the below means.

Quoted Text out from the darkness of a teenager can be heard

Anyway - it's a tough biz - take a look at a few scripts, google formats, etc.

I'm curious to what '(Printed with an unregistered version of Fade In)' means.
It's on every page.

Quoted from HyperMatt I'm curious to what '(Printed with an unregistered version of Fade In)' means. It's on every page.

Many software packages offer you a free trial - you can't print anything without the above crap until you pay for it

I wouldn't risk it myself, but there are 'cracked' versions of Fade In flying about the web. It takes just a quick search. Not sure how long they last though, cracked software is usually best used when not connected to the internet.

I'm still getting by with the free stuff. The one company I work for insist on everything being in an editable Word file.

Hey Adam,

just gave this a read, here some notes I took:

- First of all, proof read this. Lots of typos (several ones in each sentence) and lots of grammar issues too. Also lots of format problems. I'll not get into details as they're just too many and you probably know you have some work to do here. I'm not sure, but I would guess you're not a native english speaker after reading this.

- I don't like Jamie talking to herself all the time to get the story across. That's a cheap way of doing this, because she's not talking to herself but to the reader here. Try to find a more subtle way of letting us know her boyfriend died and she couldn't help him. Why not let her visit his tomb or something? Just and idea, I guess you get what I mean.

- I don't buy Jamie. She screams in one moment when she sees the clown mask guy, then in the next sentence she challenges him "ARE YOU READY?" - You got to decide whether she's the tough one or the screaming girl that's going to get stabbed. This mix up of both doesn't work for me.

- "he bolts up in traditional slasher killer way" - Nope, that won't do. You can't write a screenplay saying "This is like movie xyz. Just a bit different. The End."

- Been said here a lot of times and I'll say it again. How does someone "start to stab" someone? How does someone "continue to chase" someone? It reads horribly to be honest. Either he stabs him or not. Either he chases her or not.

- She start to sprint (because the killer is chasing her) and in the next moment she stands at a dock and has time to wallow in memories of her dead boyfriend. Your pace is way off here.

- I didn't want to mention grammar issues, but really - you can't build a sentence with 20 "and" in it. Nobody talks like that.

- The end is kind of surprising, which is good. It would work better though, if Jamie was developed better. I really think you should not let her scream, have nightmares, be too sentimental. Let her be the badass right from the start, because that would make the reader curious as to why she is like that after she obviously lost her boyfriend.

Hope it helps.