ScreenTime by Chris Shalom - Short, Drama - A young man's love life as seen by his smartphone...which might not be helping him as much as he thinks. 8 pages

production: Low budget -- extensive locations, but designed to be shot almost entirely on smartphone. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This should be in the Drama section. That's my bad.

This was my script for the last OWC. It didn't turn out as a rom-com -- more a straight drama -- so I'm just posting as a normal short instead.

Done.

Hi Chris.

I liked how this one was from a smartphone's POV! Very clever. I liked how it cracks and eventually barely works at all.

So, the phone almost becomes a mistress in a way. Taking Daniel's time away from the other women. It also allows him to keep his relationship with Maya even though they go separate ways after graduation.

To punch all this home, you do it by showing us his empty apartment.

I liked this one. Like you said, if it had some more comedy in it, it could have worked very well for the OWC.

The only thing I didn't get was Anne at the end. It came across as he already knew her. Did he? If so, I totally missed that.

Quoted from Heretic This should be in the Drama section. That's my bad. This was my script for the last OWC. It didn't turn out as a rom-com -- more a straight drama -- so I'm just posting as a normal short instead.

Hmm.

Okay - I loved the set-up on this - seeing everything through the POV of a smartphone - clever to the max!

It's really well written - given the complexities there should have been a lot of places where I was confused about what was going on - I wasn't. Clear as a bell. That's' quite a feat. Hats off to you.

Dialogue - only a C for me. Wasn't weak, but it wasn't special either. There wasn't a line that jumped out at me.

The story is fine as is but ends kind of meh. I would love to see a darker version of this. e.g., Daniel as a depressed  person thinking the new phone is going to someone change his life. Then facing rejection or something and then taking that 12 story flight off the building with the phone.  Just spit balling.

I would have given this high marks in the OWC if for nothing else the imagination and creativity on display.

Thanks LC for the admin help, and thanks, Pia and Dave, for the notes!

Pia, phone as 'mistress' -- that's more or less the nail on the head.

The theme I am trying to depict here: these people are looking for love and see the phone as a way of mediating or expressing connection. Maya snaps a picture of them together because she imagines them together but neither of them can actually make the move and do it. Katherine expresses sexual connection through the phone. As Kat and Daniel's relationship breaks down, he uses the phone to reach back out to Maya. In each case, the phone is the medium of connection. At the end, the visual matches the beginning -- Daniel staring at us POV -- but now the matching POV is a person, not a phone, and Daniel makes an unmediated, human-human connection for the first time with Anne, forgetting about the phone -- he is 'free'.

Dave, I actually set out to write something even lighter -- the joke was going to be that his phone really did have a personality and was in love with him. Got away from me. I like your angle and can definitely imagine that intense final image -- the phone flying out, landing, broken up, and then Daniel landing next to the phone, dead, one eye staring at us. I probably don't have the chops to do a suicide story properly, but it's a great idea! Oh and re: dialogue -- fair. I struggled in this one because I wanted it to feel specifically like the phone was capturing "unimportant" moments in a life, but didn't want the dialogue to be entirely boring. I'll think on this aspect.

Quoted from Heretic Dave, I actually set out to write something even lighter -- the joke was going to be that his phone really did have a personality and was in love with him. Got away from me. I like your angle and can definitely imagine that intense final image -- the phone flying out, landing, broken up, and then Daniel landing next to the phone, dead, one eye staring at us. I probably don't have the chops to do a suicide story properly, but it's a great idea! Oh and re: dialogue -- fair. I struggled in this one because I wanted it to feel specifically like the phone was capturing "unimportant" moments in a life, but didn't want the dialogue to be entirely boring. I'll think on this aspect.

Glad to help - either way you go (light or dark) -  I think this one has legs. Very creative

Afternoon

This is really imaginative and 'out of the box' story - see what I did there? phone, box, out of the box - never mind.

As Dave said - really clear read when logic tells me it should have been more laboured - I'm jealous of your skills there.

some great imagery as well - you made the view from a phone varied and interesting, and also relevant - the crack in the screen was also a beautiful moment, especially at a time when the cracks start to form in his real-world relationship. And the pictures, the little snippets of moments in time - all very good

I don't think I quite understand the story though - So is he texting Katherine at the beginning? then later gets a text from her again at the meal asking if he's still single?  - Then he is in a relationship with Katherine but starts to text Maya again - which ruins that relationship. Sooo this is a story about phone addiction and how it can come between real-world relationships? Phones do make it easy for people to be secretive and unfaithful.

I get the ending, he doesn't jump right into playing with his new phone, instead speaks to a real person and asks them out - but this Anne character is new to me, I don't know her and I'm not rooting for her - For me, I'm rooting for Maya - Guess I would have liked the ending to come back round to her, making up for the missed opportunity of the past.

I have a simple mind, so I may have missed the elegance of the story altogether lol

Best of luck with it

Matt

EDIT: Oh, I missed your reply above - after seeing your explanation, I think I got the gist of the story after all lol