Threesome by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A millionaire asks his trophy wife for a threesome, instead she plans to rob him. Ending up in his murder. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Enjoyed more than suspected. Liked the set up in the restaurant. One question: When Melissa propositions Heather in the restroom, Heather automatically knows the plan is to rob Jason. Now, Melissa of course knows that and we know that because it is stated in the logline... but how would Heather know? Her first line of thought it that it really is going to be a threesome that she'll be paid for her services. Then Melissa tells her that she really plans to rob him because he's a scumbag, etc.

The drugging part felt to quick. He gulps it down and is out. Perhaps they would handcuff him to the bed just in case. He protests but they assure him it's all part of the game and just to relax and they promise he'll enjoy it.

Pretty much saw the ending coming but that's ok. Wasn't much into the execution (haha, pun) mainly because I'm not a gore fan anymore.  

Hi Simon

This kept me engaged to the end.

The motive is unclear to me though. Was Melissa always going to murder Jason? Why did the safe full of money make her so angry? He is a millionaire. Was she blinded by rage (from what) or was this calculated? Why keep Heather alive? Her account to police would be very compelling. Not to mention the fingerprints on the knife, and Jason's blood which would be all over Melissa and her clothes.

The ending just didn't glue together for me

Hey Simon, it'd be nice to see you get on board and answer your critics and supporters.

You're a prolific writer, churning out your shorts, but rarely, if ever, do I see you respond.

Quoted from LC Hey Simon, it'd be nice to see you get on board and answer your critics and supporters. You're a prolific writer, churning out your shorts, but rarely, if ever, do I see you respond.

That is why I have stopped commenting on his scripts. Sorry - but true.