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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Rob Me - Optioned
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  Author    Rob Me - Optioned  (currently 344 views)
Don
Posted: July 29th, 2019, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rob Me by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - After an old man has his house broken into, he becomes obsessed with getting a gun and getting robbed again. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 16th, 2019, 3:34pm
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Arundel
Posted: July 29th, 2019, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Dark, cynical, angry. Pretty well liked it. Some touch-up on scene work and dialog would help. Liked Robert. Liked John. Ending could be neatened up.

William slowly enters the house. Robert shoots him in the chest. Mary watches on with horror at the sight of William's body on
the ground.

She's still in the car, right? Also, Robert might be a little too-kill crazy in his victory dance and three more shots. Maybe shock and calm come over him. Still liked the ending and the message (if there is one).
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EscapeVelocity13
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Dark and funny, I liked it.

The old mans paranoia getting the best of him was well done. It legit drives him to madness and making a life altering mistake.

Very good script.
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