Tattoo by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - An abusive racist is transformed for life after a mysterious old Chinese man tattoos his arm. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi AJ,

This is an interesting little story. I liked the tension at the beginning. Those guys were horrible and the banter felt natural.

I was a bit confused at the end.

SPOILER

Did he shoot himself or was it suppose to be somebody else?

Thanks for reading Kirsten.

Yeah it was suicide, that's why we see him take the gun, also because Hitler committed suicide for real.

The newspaper was supposed to be an actual newspaper from 1945, maybe I should add the date

Hi AJ

Read through this and will be putting my notes together throughout the day, so hopefully, have something to post later.

OK cheers mate

Hi AJ

You are what you ink. A story of just deserts, the bad guy gets his comeuppance - A Neo-Nazi is hit with some kind of wizardry and transformed into a paleo-Nazi -- Hitler -- so the world can see him for who he really is.

Well, he is not really a Neo-Nazi, he seems like a run-of-the-mill racist who wants a swastika tattoo.
You could probably make this more political, especially in the current climate of right-wing nationalism spreading across Europe. It's fine if you don't, obviously, keeping it more social rather than political still has the desired effect.

I did think, why him? why is this drunk singled out to receive this dose of anti-racist wizardry? Is the magical Chinese man targeting others? have we witnessed just one incident in this wizards grand plan? (You could hint at the bigger picture by ending with another racist walking into the tattoo parlour)
Why now? is it a coincidence that he found this tattoo shop or did it appear just for him?

The whens and whys are probably not all that important. I guess I just felt a disconnect from it all.

For me, it may have had more impact if this guy was a Neo-Nazi - one of those who attend the rallies, spreads their hate and anti-Semitic messages online, someone actively trying to implement the ideology of nazism - but anonymously (If you watch the rallies or find these people online, they cover their identity for fear of repercussions from work/family/society - basically they know they are extreme and are too cowardly to show their true colours to those around them.
BUT, here's the point of your story, the magic turns him into Hitler and so he cannot hide his true self anymore - so he goes to work and they fire him, his partner leaves him, his friends desert him, society rejects him... now he has a reason to kill himself

The way you have it at the moment, suicide comes too sudden for me. He's only been Hitler for like a day, and had a few strangers reject him - seems a bit extreme to be like "yup, that's me done", rather than trying harder to shed the appearance or hide... could just be me though.

That is of course unless I am missing a different message that's embedded here. It's possible.

I have run out of time to get into the actual writing side of things... I can come back to that later if you want me to? let me know.

Anyway, good work, keep it up. I hope I have been helpful, you can obviously ignore all of this as the rantings of an idiot if you wish, I won't be offended.

Matt

Thanks for reading and giving your thoughts Matt.

I wasn't really going for any "Message" here, it was just a fun, well maybe that's the wrong word, short story. I thought of it like a short story in the "Twilight Zone" which actually made me think of a few others to add. I thought of something like they are all waiting in "Gods waiting room" and are telling their stories.

The thing with him committing suicide was not about him having had enough of what was happening but more about him becoming Hitler because Hitler committed suicide, He became Hitler so ended his life like Hitler did.

I know the above is how I saw it and maybe that's wrong. I knew exactly why, maybe others will as well... or not

Hi again, Andy.

Interesting little tale you've got here. I see what you're doing. The ending somehow left me to wanting more. I thnk it's because it's a little out of blue. The shop not being there, and then "hitler is dead". That bit felt a little disjointed, like it had to be attached to the rest of the script a bit better. Too much mystery for a script that wasn't at all about a mystery, I guess. That's why.

I think you need to tighten it too. Maybe get through all the beats you're trying to hit faster. He's a racist. He gets a tattoo. It screws him up, etc. I don't think all the nine pages are needed. Some scenes felt like not needed - him shaving for example. You could get away with it.

His friend - maybe find a way to get rid of this character as he's not playing the part at the end. Might be just me actually. I like only the characters that play out at the end and prove themselves useful. I might be wrong about that.

Anyway, what I want to say here - nice idea. I think you need to work on it some more though.

Thanks for taking the time khamanna

I did think the bar scene wasn't really needed but I wanted to have a bit of a laugh with Paul thinking Andy looked like Elvis with his black hair. This has just made me realise I forgot to change the Names. I used mine and my mates name for a laugh... oops lol

Andy,

Read through this and apologize if I repeat what anyone else has said. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes here. Sentences that should be separated with commas, sentences and dialogue everywhere with no periods. It almost seems as if it were intentional there are so many.

Your action needs some work. Here you have...

FADE.IN
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Two men ANDY, mid 20s cocky, well groomed, smart but casual with light brown Hair and PAUL, mid 20's smart casual with a neatly trimmed beard, both are obviously drunk. They stagger down the road, bottles of beer in hand shouting and singing.

This just reads awkward -- one guy is smart but casual, the other is smart casual, same thing just worded differently. Perhaps you need a different, more efficient approach here.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

ANDY, mid 20s, smart casual and well groomed, stumbles along the road with PAUL, also mid 20s, similar appearance save for a neatly trimmed beard. Bottles of beer in their hands, they sing and shout. Obviously drunk.

Now, that's a little better (not by much), but you can see where I'm going here. It's a little more economical. Not to mention...

Your opening slug is STREET, yet you fail to describe it. You need to do that first, then introduce your two characters.

You'll find a lot of your passages are awkwardly phrased and could use some tightening up. Your story, personally, did not do much for me. Totally get what you were going for here, but for me it kinda fell flat. Just not engaging enough as is.

I agree with Khamanna that it needs more. This guy Andy is a major douche and he gets his comeuppance. It's pretty basic. What's missing are the little details that foreshadow this in the tattoo parlor. Perhaps they see something strange there, something out of the ordinary, like it shouldn't be there at all. Out of place. Something that lets up know there's some bad shit about to go down, and something that might pop up again later in the script. That might help. Good luck with this!

Steve

Quoted from AndyJ Thanks for reading and giving your thoughts Matt. I wasn't really going for any "Message" here, it was just a fun, well maybe that's the wrong word, short story. I thought of it like a short story in the "Twilight Zone" which actually made me think of a few others to add. I thought of something like they are all waiting in "Gods waiting room" and are telling their stories. The thing with him committing suicide was not about him having had enough of what was happening but more about him becoming Hitler because Hitler committed suicide, He became Hitler so ended his life like Hitler did. I know the above is how I saw it and maybe that's wrong. I knew exactly why, maybe others will as well... or not

Yes, maybe I read too much into it lol. I'm liking the idea of the waiting room revealing the stories, best of luck with that

Thanks for the read and feedback Steve.

I've just added a brief description of the street, it's now an English High Street. I've also added all the "periods".

I added a little bit of a "scare" with the old man as he is staring into Andy/Rob's eyes, oh yeah I changed the name as well.

I have another idea where Paul notices all the pictures on the walls have a person missing, then at the end after the blood splatter a photograph falls onto the table showing Paul, but Andy/Rob is missing.

Anyway I'm away for the weekend so I'll do a bit more and upload the new draft probably Monday or Tuesday.
Thanks to all

I made the changes and the new draft is up if anyone would like to have a look

Thanks

I made the changes and the new draft is up if anyone would like to have a look

Thanks

Had a few minutes to relax today, so I figured I could be reading something. I have not checked any previous comments, so if I'm repeating anything... oh well.  

I'm nobody, so take my comments with a heap of salt.

I think you don't need to mention the guys' hair or beard even. Cocky, but well groomed says enough. What about Paul? What's his personality like? He's the same age and dressed the same, but what about his personality?

Illuminate or illumination?  I know what you meant. Just pointing out a typo.

Page 2.   "a" sign with a red light

Page 3. Fu Manchu?

Boy, Rob is rather obnoxious isn't he. I hope he gets his in the end.

Page 4.   Paul wears a T-shirt? I thought you described him as well groomed, smart, but casual. Not quite the same picture there. At least not in my mind.

Rob looks nervously at the old man. Not sure that goes with his cocky obnoxious self we've seen so far. Maybe a different description?

Page 5.   Maybe have some expression to go with Rob's dialogue when he first sees the tattoo.

When describing the inside of the pub, I don't think it's necessary to mention a fruit machine or the two old men playing Dominoes or the couple at the bar unless they will play a part in the story. IMHO, you can definitely streamline that paragraph. Maybe just write a few patrons.

Page 6.   I see why you mentioned Rob's hair being light brown at the beginning.

Rob is in the bathroom. Which bathroom? Is he at home or still at the pub?

I like that Rob got what he deserved in the end. Saw it kind of coming though. Perhaps working it so that we don't see the obvious changes into Hitler until the very end so it's more of a surprise?

I also think you could've done more with the tattoo. Maybe have Rob get robbed. Some thug kids stealing his jacket so the tattoo is exposed and he has to suffer because of it?

All in all, I liked it. Some typos and odd phrasing here and there. Streamline it some and put Rob through some harder times so he starts to reflect on himself and what kind of person he is. That way, the ending won't feel so out of left field. He should suffer more first IMHO.

Thanks Angry Bear for taking the time to read it and also the feedback, always appreciated.

Hey Andy,

Thought that was pretty good. Dialogue sounded real to me. Rob certainly got his comeuppance. One thing to consider is tightening up the descriptions going forward. Aim for efficient and visual.

Quoted Text EXT. HIGH STREET - NIGHT A typical English high street with shops either side, most have metal shutters covering the windows. A few bulging litter bins are dotted along the pavement.

One thing you can do is avoid repeating "high street" in the descriptions because it's already in the scene heading. But if you really wanted to cut it down:

Quoted Text EXT. ENGLISH HIGH STREET - NIGHT Shuttered shops. Litter bins dot the sidewalk.

There's lots of places where you could probably lose a word or two and still present the same basic visual.

Like on page 3... "The shop is dimly lit, there are pictures on the walls of people with their tattoos."

Could be: "Dimly lit. Pictures of tattooed customers line the walls."

And there's a lot of "Rob is sitting on the bed", "Paul is sitting at the bar", stuff like that. It can just be "Rob sits on the bed". "Paul slouches against the bar". Make it active, present tense.

Okay, enough nitpicking there.

In terms of the story, I very much liked it up until the last scene. As Pia said, maybe put him through the ringer a bit more. He's completely freaking out, his friend just laughs at him, won't help. Maybe he runs into the young Asian couple from earlier and they're the only one's who at least show any concern. I think it has to be more he's driven to a last resort, if that makes sense.

Nice job overall.

Thanks MarkItZero, I get what you are saying and thanks for the input.
I've written an alternate ending where he goes into the shop, the table is there but there is a mirror and a note written in German. He reads it outloud in German with English subtitiles.

Note Reads: You are what you ink... Thanks to Mathew

He leans over the mirror and sees himself fully as Hitler and shouts "Noooooo" in German with subtitles.

Andy

I didn't particularly care for the opening scene. Just two drunk guys being obnoxious racists, seemed too easy and familiar, seen it a thousand times before.

I like how the bet goading switches with Rob calling Paul's bluff before the latter doubles down, refusing to be shown up as a coward. It's probably how most people end up getting stupid tattoos at a stupid o clock. (Although, having read on, it's only Rob who actually gets a tattoo)

ROB
Fuck me it's Few Manchu.

- Should be Fu Manchu...or is it an intentional mispronunciation?

Again, the broad racial slurs and mimicry of east Asian's speaking English just feels too obvious and played out.

ROB (O.S) (CONT'D)
Oh no the rights are off and it dark,
me no rike... Come on chinky
bollocks.

- Jesus Christ, from a guy unwilling to getting a tattoo, to now openly berating his imminent tattooist, he's really got balls...or just stupid...or just very drunk. Either way, not a good approach, mate. This Old Man possess sharp objects, best be nice!

ROB
Do me a swastika there.

- Haha, well, he certainly has set his stall out with neon lights, hasn't he? Not much else to say about where this bloke is coming from.

"A white film flashes across the old
mans eyes which makes Rob break from the stare."

- What do you mean by a "white film flashes"?

I was expecting the Old Man to just intentionally mess up his tattoo as revenge for Rob's behaviour but it seems something more creepy is going on with his changing hair colour. I'm at page 6 now and genuinely curious to see where it goes. Good job.

Haha, I had an inkling he was going full Fuhrer. However, you should open that scene while taking the audience into account. I mean, the prose suggests that we can see Rob in full walking down the street as you describe his clothes. This means we will see his Hitler transformation before the people start reacting to him. I think it would be more cinematic/dramatic if you obscure his face (like showing him from behind only), then the insults from passing people begin, then Rob looks in a shop window. This way, we learn what's going on at the exact moment he does.

Panicked he starts pulling the door, becoming more frantic
as he can't open it. Tired and beat he turns and slowly
lowers himself to the floor. He sits with his back to the
door causing it to open inwards.

- Ha, I liked this.

Hmm, the ending is a bit left of field and not in a good way. I appreciate you want to end on a (literal) bang but it feels a bit too heavy for an otherwise humorous piece. I'd think about keeping it light, a more mocking, satirical tone, poking fun at Rob and the absurdity of the situation he's in and in turn, the ridiculousness of his racist worldview.

Also, my biggest criticism, as evinced in my earlier notes, is that there is not much to contend with in regards the Rob character. He's just a blatant racist...and that's it. Of course we want to see him get his comeuppance which you duly serve but here is no dimension or nuance to his character which makes him less interesting and serving of said comeuppance less satisfying. Again, it just feels too easy, cheap.

Otherwise, the writing is fairly solid technically and your central premise is amusing.

Col.  

Thanks for the read and feedback Col.

I actually changed the ending and thought I had uploaded the revised version, Obviously not.

Yeah I messed up Fu Manchu.

I've just uploaded the revised version. I changed "white film" to "white membrane"

Quoted from AndyJ I actually changed the ending and thought I had uploaded the revised version, Obviously not. I've just uploaded the revised version. I changed "white film" to "white membrane"

Yeah, I just opened the script and its the same. No change to the ending or "white film". What changes did you make to the ending?

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Yeah, I just opened the script and its the same. No change to the ending or "white film". What changes did you make to the ending?

The new ending has him walking in the room, this time there is a mirror and a note in German on the table. He reads the note out loud in German (subtitled) then he see himself in the mirror as a full on Hitler. He screams out "Noooooo" in German (subtitled). FADE OUT

The note reads "You are what you ink"

Quoted from AndyJ The new ending has him walking in the room, this time there is a mirror and a note in German on the table. He reads the note out loud in German (subtitled) then he see himself in the mirror as a full on Hitler. He screams out "Noooooo" in German (subtitled). FADE OUT The note reads "You are what you ink"

Haha, sorry to make you explain your ending like that but you did a good job. That certainly sounds altogether lighter which I think will behoove the script overall. Nice punchline too.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Haha, sorry to make you explain your ending like that but you did a good job. That certainly sounds altogether lighter which I think will behoove the script overall. Nice punchline too.

I have to thank Mathew Taylor for the punch line.

I'm going to upload again, maybe I started before then got distracted and never actually hit the "Submit" button lol

Quoted from AndyJ I'm going to upload again, maybe I started before then got distracted and never actually hit the "Submit" button lol

I'd recommend using a cloud (e.g. Dropbox) when uploading your scripts here. Then you can make as many changes as you want, when you want, without having to bother Don (owner of this site). Saves time and effort for all involved. Just a suggestion.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I'd recommend using a cloud (e.g. Dropbox) when uploading your scripts here. Then you can make as many changes as you want, when you want, without having to bother Don (owner of this site). Saves time and effort for all involved. Just a suggestion.

Do you mean just add a link here or use the URL when submitting?

Andy, you can post the link with updated draft here in this thread if you wish.

Quoted from AndyJ Do you mean just add a link here or use the URL when submitting?

Yeah, for future submissions of new work, use the URL when submitting.

Also, as Libby said, in regards this script, you can just post the link here.

OK thanks LC.

Here is the link to the revised copy

Hey Andy, that comes up as a Request Access file for me and if opened in a new tab requires Google sign in.

I'm no expert on file sharing but I think on Google Drive docs, you might have to tick  'public on the web' so the file can be accessed.

OK thanks LC, I'll go and have a look.

It should work now, please have a look and let me know... thanks

Yep, all good, Andy.  It opens fine now.

Quoted from LC Yep, all good, Andy.  It opens fine now.

Thanks LC