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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Garden
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Don
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Garden by Alan-Michael Howells - Short, Drama - A dying billionaire, with a troubled past, has the opportunity to live forever thanks to a company whose research for immortality is successful. 9 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  November 22nd, 2019, 2:21pm
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AH
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Probably should of added a logline it would of helped.
Logline: A dying billionaire, with a troubled past, has the opportunity to live forever thanks to a company whose research for immortality is successful.

bert's edit: fixed

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bert  -  November 22nd, 2019, 2:20pm
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khamanna
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi.
You introduce his trouble past very late in the story. What happened was overal I was not interested to read about Adam and his story because his story seems of no importance. What's left is his desire to remain alive. But for what exactly?
I wish there's more. And I'd suggest you let us know more about Adam gradually, starting from the very beginning. Peter's lines have to be minimized. I don't think you need to go into so much detail on how they do it.
Overall, it doesn't read bad at all, it's just not quite there I'd say.
Also, I'd trim the dialog as much as possible and see how that plays out.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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A new writer! let me at him-- kidding, I'm nice

First thing first - welcome to the site. Hopefully, you find this place useful. Don't be afraid to get involved in the discussions.

I actually quite liked the story - it was a bumpy ride but the destination was good. Kinda felt like a prelude or teaser to a sci-fi series based on this guy being resurrected in the future.

As you are a new writer, I am assuming you don't mind me picking out some formatting issues.


Quoted Text
PETER
(through the
television)


Better to have it as PETER (TV) rather than in parentheticals.

you use a lot of ellipses (...) and generally use them incorrectly. They are a useful tool if used sparingly and obviously, correctly. Give them a google as the internet will be able to explain them a lot better than I can.

Double dialogue - in a few places you have the same person speaking twice in a row.


Quoted Text
              DAVID
Rats only live for approximately 2
years.

             DAVID (cont'd)
We're talking 18 more years and
counting.


If there is nothing in between (someone else talking, action line) then you can just put these together into one dialogue (this may be the result of some rewriting?)


Quoted Text
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS EARLY 80'S - NIGHT


This is a flashback - I didn't realise the first time around and got a bit confused. There are a couple of ways to format a flashback, my favourite would be


Quoted Text
FLASHBACK:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NIGHT

stuff happens

END FLASHBACK


taking a quick break from format talk to address this...
"She was..you know...She wipes her mouth and remarks her lips red."
Because it made me laugh  

back to format...

actually I think I am done with format, oh wait - CONT'D or any variation of I don't like (Entirely personal, I know). obviously they are not wrong - but they add unnecessary ink to the page and can sometimes make the thing feel convoluted. We want to make the read feel clean and easy for the reader and these kinda hinder it. plus, it's obvious it's continued because well, it continues lol

I will talk about the actual writing and the story later as I have run out of time right now.

To be continued...

... unless of course, you don't want me to, in which case just tell me to shut up.




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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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AH
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Oh no please don't hold back. I appreciate all criticism no matter how hard to hear.  I want to make this a passion of mine so I might as well do it correctly.  
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LC
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 5:39am Report to Moderator
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Hello

I'm finally back.


Quoted Text
PETER
...Yes. All of our clients give us
the rights to their remains.


This line set me up for confusion later down the line - "remains" imply that their customers are dead, and then they freeze their bodies. But Adam is frozen alive - you might want to think about the terminology here.

A couple of times you open a new scene with dialogue - this (from my extensive reading) is a big no-no. You need to at least set the scene - what are we looking at?

Peter hasn't been introduced properly - actually none of the characters are - when introducing a character, their names are CAPPED and we give a brief description - not so much a list of what they are wearing, but more the essence of the character...
PETER (35) perches in a large leather Chesterfield chair, he plucks a piece of flint from his pinstripe jacket, straightens his tie.
The above (although quickly written) gives us a visual description and also, hopefully, a brief insight into the character.

Cut the unnecessary - I'm not going to pick them all out, but sometimes we have to be brutal with our own scripts and hack away at what is not necessary. Sometimes it's entire scenes and characters, but sometimes it's just a few words or sentences.
"Our protagonist"
"Half-way through a conversation."
The above seems entirely unnecessary.
The opening of a family watching the news in the kitchen, for example, seems unnecessary. They are not characters in this story - now if the opening was of Adam watching the news, and hearing about this technology, that would make more sense.

Unfilmables - You will hear this term a lot when getting reviews and reading reviews. Sometimes they are hotly debated and you will decide for yourself how much and to what extent you want to include unfilmable. But, the following example is (I beleive) a good example of what not to do...


Quoted Text
This tycoon of the oil and tobacco industry lives in a
mansion encompassing more than 500 acres. Adam lives alone,
never married and no children.

His antique car collection is the only thing that gives him
company besides his maid service. Adam walks around his
house. He enters his living room. Sitting down he takes a
sip from his glass of whiskey. He begins to reminisce.


This is chocked full of information that cannot be shown on the screen - remember that we are writing for the screen, think and write visually.
How can we see he is an oil and tobacco tycoon?
How can we see he lives alone, never been married and has no children?
How do we know the cars are the only things that keep him company?
Rather than just telling us these things, show us.
How about we see him walking around a vast garage of vintage cars, caressing them as he goes past - He goes into his house and on the walls are framed paper clippings or awards for being a savvy businessman, but what isn't there are pictures of a wife or kids.
Somehow convey what you want us to think of this man visually - the way you have it at the moment does not convert to screen.

Dammit, I've run out of time again...





Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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AH
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Vivid desprictions of characters,  show more tell less. No dialogue opening scenes, and format format format.  Got it.
Thanks Matthew
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Indeed, and you are welcome - although, the story tends to trump all! (A great story badly formatted is more valuable than a terrible story brilliantly formatted) - at least in my opinion anyway.

so onto the story - or at least, my take on it.

As I said, I quite liked the story - although it appears to be missing some heart.

This man, Adam. His motivations for wanting to go through this are unclear, is it just that he wants to live forever? That's fine I suppose but I guess I just wanted a little more. The flashback to the accident is inconsequential to the story I would say, what does it have to do with him wanting to live forever? I would have thought that someone emotionally traumatised would dread the thought of that trauma lasting forever... or maybe, the death of the woman hinted at his own mortality?

Speaking of Adam, I don't care if he succeeds or not, and I think I should do - it's about him after all, he doesn't have to be nice but he needs a redeeming quality for me to root for him. I need empathy.

Agree with Kham that the dialogue explaining the process can be cut down a lot.

I thought the time stamp of the video was a clever way of showing what time period we are in - I am assuming the "99" is 1999 and we are now 20 years later.

Anyway, I will leave you alone now.

You will want others input other than mine, so might be worth putting a post up in the "review exchange" part of the forum.

Best of luck with this.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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