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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  What's Left
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Don
Posted: December 2nd, 2019, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What's Left. by Alan-Michael Howells - Short, Drama - In a post-apocalyptic U.S., a teen named Jack ventures from Oregon across the states to New York, in hopes of uniting with his long lost girlfriend. 5 pagesd - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AH
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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It's just the opening pages. I'm trying to set a tone and I'm not sure if I accomplished that yet.
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eldave1
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good, IMO.  - Although several format errors.typos. e.g.,


Quoted Text
BOOK READER (V.O.)
Chapter 72: The Monkey-Rope.

BOOK READER (cont'd)
In the tumultuous business of
cutting-in and attending to a whale,
there is much running backwards and
forwards among the crew...
He stirs his beans. Dipping his tongue into the ladle, he
spits. He head quickly snaps right...something's got his
eye.


No need for back to back BOOK READER - just make it one dialogue block.


Quoted Text
MAN and a scrawny apprentice. They meet eye sight.
The two men stop.


Scrawny Apprentice should be in CAPS


Quoted Text
BULKY MAN
Well look what we got here Jim. You
mind if we join ya'?


Need a comma after here.


Quoted Text
JIM
Sure does smell good mister'.


Need a comma after good.

Just nitty stuff - thought it had a pretty good vibe to it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi there,

This is a good story, I enjoyed it and (SPOILERS!!!).....

the twist. I can see how it is  the beginning of something big, and you've created a great hook, but it works well as short. I forgot it was  apocalyptic, so the ending for me was more powerful. I wonder if you took out the apocalyptic part in the logline  the twist would work better for the audience.

Because of my ignorance, I was asking questions such as why is this guy by a fire in the woods, why is this guy so quick to be offended, why does he have a gun in his pocket, why did he just shoot them all? Then with that great twist you answered all my questions, which is brilliant.

Good job....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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AH
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm glad you enjoyed it ! At this point he made it to New York, did he find the girl? I don't know yet. This could be the beginning and ending scene depends upon where the characters take me.
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