I Like School by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A young boy bullied on his way to school everyday must learn to fight back before his mother forces him to leave his beloved school and start fresh someplace else. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Sorry Simon, but I found this story a bit disturbing. It's the sort of revenge fantasy that kids in the U.S. have been using as justification for their murderous school shootings. Don't get me wrong, the bullies in your story are obviously pricks, but the Death Penalty (without trial)? It just doesn't work for me.

Now, technically, the script is pretty good. The format is mostly correct, and it reads the way a movie script should, although the sudden availability of the gun feels a little too "Deus ex machina" to me.

BTW, Deus ex machina "is a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem in a story is suddenly and abruptly resolved by an unexpected and seemingly unlikely occurrence, typically so much as to seem contrived."  (Wikipedia)

Perhaps your intention was to suggest that Noel's revenge fantasy was simply that (a fantasy), and if so that would make for a better story in my opinion. But that would require a pretty extensive re-write.

Didn't think the bullies deserved to die, but hey I can't think of a better resolution. He just waves the gun at them and they run off? That would be a wet noodle ending, so good job with the hard finish.

Story and characters were good. Action lines could be tightened a little. All in all, not bad.

I liked it, but I don't feel that justice should be taken into the hands of Noel with a semi line-up and shooting his bullies down.  Call it "Swift Justice", but you can look at this any possible way.  First, Noel is fed up with the daily beatings he is getting from his bullies.  So, the answer is to get rid of them with a gun.  Second, Noel could have threatened them with the gun, but would that have actually worked?  I don't think so.

There are many ways Joel could have had his revenge against the three idiots who have nothing better to do but to beat up on a younger kid then themselves.  The 18 year old can be arrested and charged as an adult for Assault.  The other two boneheads can be thrown into a Juvenile Center.  This would be the laws way in dealing with the three bullies.

As I said, there are several different ways this could have ended.  Even though Noel killed his bullies, now Noel will have to prove he had nothing to do with their deaths.  That could be interesting.