I love this! My favourite so far. This is how you take a familiar tale and give it a new twist so it is intriguing and seems different. Excellently written. I did suspect the cop as soon as you described him and maybe that reveal is a bit early but it was great to see the old, dying Chief don his gear and get justice.

I would suggest cutting the dialogue down at the end. Most of it sounds like exposition. All it needs as an explanation is “The spirit in the sky told me so” and the final line, which is excellent, “Perhaps they will find you in the spring?” most of the rest of that conversation can be cut or trimmed considerably.

Excellent job writer!

-Mark

This was a nice little tale, although I guessed the outcome halfway through. As another comment mentions, I thought the torn uniform clutched in her hand a bit of a stretch. If you do another draft I'd consider something different that gives him away. Also maybe consider burying Hunter alive perhaps? Anyway, wonderfully written though. Great job!

So, the OVER BLACK intro for me, doesn't work very well.  It's too long, and it's just too much to expect your viewers will get what you're after here.  The ripping of clothes part, especially.  Screams, pleas, etc., sure, but I'd recommend cutting this way back.

Inyo national Forest - Nice!

I don't know if it's the same writer over and over, or just that peeps al of a sudden love using this "Then..." thing and skipping to the next line.  It really doesn't add anything and at times, will be an issue.  I say lose it!

The "MALE VOICE" should simply be whoever it is, as you intro him very soon after.

So, I gotta say..and all you SS peeps please take notice, as you may never read this again from me...so far (at least) your asides are working exactly the way asides "can" work.  they're not irritating, and they actually add to the read...and the overall good writing on display.

"The Chief points at the pole. We can now see all of the street’s poles have been peppered with the poster. All of the shop windows as well." - Not be a picky dickhead, but this passage should be broken up, as it's not a single shot.  You'd need to, if nothing else, widen the shot to include the next 2 lines.

Page 5 - Although there are numerous little writing nigs I could bring up and make suggestions about, this is well written, and well paced.  It's already drawn me in and although I see an awful lot of "Wind River" here, that's OK, as the way you're going about it, it's working...very well.

"INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM - NIGHT" - Use a - instead of /.  "/" means both are in the same shot/scene.

I don't like the torn piece of blue cloth like a uniform thing.  I'd lose that.

The end.  I like it...alot.  I like the first 5 pages better than the last 4, but it's solid throughout.  Well done.

*****

Hi Writer

Seems you changed Hunter's name from Tucker and missed one lol Whenever I do a name change I use the "find" function to root old the old name - no big deal obviously, just sayin'

This is really well written, a talent for sure - Drew me into the world, made me feel like I was in it - I got to the point where I forgot I was reading a script and could Just enjoy the story.

Tecopa is interesting, Hunter not so much.

The story, I enjoyed it but I'm not gushing over it like others seem to be - It's good, don't get me wrong - some things niggle at me:
How quickly he decides to check on the body - he knows people are looking for her, seems very risky to me. Did he really believe she had risen from the dead after only two days of texts? seems more a course of action someone would do after being driven mad from messages from beyond the grave for longer than two days.
His first thought it was a hoax (which is why he gets the number checked), it's her phone, why is his next thought "shit she's risen!" and not "shit! someone has found her, and her phone!" - the second train of thought seems more logical and I would expect him to try and find this person (track the phone?) - rather than the risky business of returning to the scene of the crime. *Could have added that extra layer, he tracks the phone - tracking leads him to the site of the grave*

The piece of torn uniform - a bit convenient, would have preferred a unique way the body could have pointed to him. But is Tecopa not curious as to the motivation? Doesn't question why, simply exacts his revenge - maybe he doesn't care, seems like he would though.

Overall, a very compelling story, expertly written. Would have preferred if the opening wasn't a black screen - instead jolted images of her running, get us right there in the action.

Well done

EDIT: forgot to add, very good use of the criteria - This is the reason I am not letting other entries slide that have superficially tacked on the criteria - It's not fair to writers like you who have woven it properly into action/character/plot.

I Liked the opening over black. I assume this is where opening credits would run, but don’t think it’s necessary here.

Great character descriptions, but maybe too specific for a script.

On page 2 the Super tells us it’s two months since the girl disappeared. And Chief Tecopa is just now putting up posters? Perhaps a montage of him putting up the posters, then searching the land for the missing girl’s grave, would show us how hard he’s working to find Sisika. Then, when at the end he announces he found the girl two days ago, we know it wasn’t through a fluke of luck

The line on page 4 where Hunter takes in the backside of the Waitress is a good clue that he likes women. But this is too subtle an indicator that he may like women a little too much. Chief Tecopa could ask something like who his girlfriend is this week.

The piece of blue cloth as the clue is too easy, and I think Hunter would have noticed his uniform was torn. Of course he would have had to dispose of the uniform because it would undoubtedly have blood on it. A suggestion: Hunter’s job doesn’t pay a lot, so his uniforms are faded with wear. When Chief Tecopa sees Hunter wearing a brand-new uniform, he gets suspicious.

All in all, a good tight story.

Not my favorite, but damn well crafted. The slight nod to the girl and chief being related, the piece of clothing leading to the culprit, and beginning and ending the story in a similar fashion (used it before, super satisfying to write). I think the over black is hardly even needed as an opener, the only important information given is the cloths ripping which you could have shown in the next scene.

Chief Tecopa as a character was fun to follow, Hunter less so. He felt a bit rushed at times but that might be more due to the shortness of the script. In the end, I did not really feel for either of them which is a shame seeing as they started off pretty strong.

Other than small things like using 'we can see', its a very clean script. I think formatting wise many people do it in many different ways so I won't go too much into that.

Overall a fun read.

Nicely done. A writer after my own western heart. Not much to nitpick that hasn't already been mentioned except for one thing that I've been called out for in the past that I have to agree with: The slug that specifies Inyo National Forest. How would you know? and if it is vital or critical to the story, it should be a Super. Otherwise, just 'Ponderosa Forest' since that's all you'll see. Same with 'Bishop, CA' unless you show the city limit sign or something else that denotes Bishop. How about 'Small Mountain Town'? Sorry, had to add something.

I also second (or third) the piece of blue cloth. Make it some other identifier. Be creative. Besides, police uniforms are so damn thick.

That's it though. Great job. It's in my top three so far.

A GRUNT, as a rusted SHOVEL removes a load of dirt. _Are you going to uppercase pointlessly throughout? GRUNT is OK, you can get away with that in uppercase. But, SHOVEL? Just the sentence alone makes me cringe. It reads as though a shovel is digging a hole all by itself, let alone the fact that a shovel is neither a character nor a sound effect... so why is it being shouted?

Lack of commas. I'm not going to give a lesson on it, but it makes some of your sentences read very awkwardly.

Snowflakes gently float down... - Yeah, this is kinda how gravity works. 'down' is unnecessary.

Code He’s tall and thick, with long silver hair pulled back into a braided ponytail. His face is bronze and pocked marked - too many days in the sun. His nose is crooked, misshaped - too many fist-fights.

This whole block is poorly written and passive. He is this, his face is this, his nose is this. Boring.

Code HUNTER But ya need to know, it’s a tough road. We got a ton of land and bout ten-thousand tourists driving through here every day.

As if he would actually need to say that. This is information for the viewer. The Chief would already know. If this information was given to the Chief again, it would be packaged in a different way.

OMG, the old phone call from a ghost trick... and the cop is... falling for it. This is total crap. Now the cop is giving his game away completely by digging up the grave. How... convenient.

Well written but poorly constructed.

If I was scoring:

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) - 1
Characters (1-5) - 4
Dialogue (1-5) - 3
Writing (1-5) – 3.5
Overall (1-10) – 5.75

This one works for me all the way around. Fantastic writing. Definitely my favorite of the bunch that I've read.

Much thanks to all who reviewed this. I appreciate the input. Wanted t provide my initial thoughts on some of the feedback.

HUNTER – not TUCKER at the end. I’ve no clue is to what was happening with my synapses.

THE OVER BLACK OPENING MURDER

Many folks didn’t like that. Thought it was a bit hackneyed. I didn’t want to write a murder scene per se for strategic purposes. First, not sure why an over-black scene is so frowned upon and some thought it was too long (1/2 page. Anyway, I like it as is – however, after reading the comments I’m not sure it’s needed at all.  Maybe best just to open with the Chief posting posters. Will deliberate.

THE KILLER WAS PREDICTABLE

Agree. At the moment I can’t think of a clever way to avoid that – I’d liked to – believe me. But I have basically two characters. One of them has to be the killer I think – mulling this over because I do think twists are important and I ain’t got one here. Maybe some extra pages will help me with this - agree with the critique.

THE TORN POLICE UNIFORM

Yeah, that was a bad choice.  After reading the comments I kept thinking – BUTTON! Why didn’t you use an effing button!!  Funny what comes to you after the fact.

EMPATHY FOR THE CHIEF – LOSE THE WICKED SMILE

Couple of folks commented on this – it’s a great note. This would be much better if that scene was shortened dialogue wise and the killing is something the Chief had to do vs. wanted to do. Changes to be made for sure.

HUNTER’S MOTIVATION NOT CLEAR

Many people raised this issue and I agree. Going to add something here – we should know why he killed her.

THE TIME JUMP COULD BE HANDLED BETTER

Concur – good note.

HUNTER CHECKS ON THE GRAVE SITE TOO SOON

Concur – good note. Now that I’m not constrained by ten pages – I can do some things here.

“INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM – NIGHT” – Use a – instead of /.  “/” means both are in the same shot/scene.

I had no idea this guideline existed – I’ll have to check it out. It makes sense kind of – just never read that / means that both rooms are in the shot.

Anyway – got a lot of great advice from the reviews here – thanks much. Will definitely help in the next draft.

Quoted from eldave1 “INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM – NIGHT” – Use a – instead of /.  “/” means both are in the same shot/scene. I had no idea this guideline existed – I’ll have to check it out. It makes sense kind of – just never read that / means that both rooms are in the shot.

For instance, picture, if you can, a front Hallway with a staircase heading up.  for all medium or wide shots, you would see the stairs and whoever is on them and whatever they are doing when you're in the Hallway.  Because of this, you really wouldn't want to change Slugs back and forth each time (FRONT HALL, STAIRS, etc).  Both locales are together here and the slash shows that in the Slug.

Quoted from Dreamscale For instance, picture, if you can, a front Hallway with a staircase heading up.  for all medium or wide shots, you would see the stairs and whoever is on them and whatever they are doing when you're in the Hallway.  Because of this, you really wouldn't want to change Slugs back and forth each time (FRONT HALL, STAIRS, etc).  Both locales are together here and the slash shows that in the Slug.

Yeah. I get why it makes sense and probably will adopt it. I just couldn't find it referenced anywhere.

If I was filming this, I would keep the bookend visuals of the girl and Hunter getting buried.

Quoted from Britman If I was filming this, I would keep the bookend visuals of the girl and Hunter getting buried.

Thanks for the feedback

This was interesting.  My script was set in the High Sierras (Bishop CA). An Indian film student asked for permission to shoot it based in Bombay. I thought - what the heck - go for it.

He sent me the link yesterday to his finished film. Asked for my comments. I told home kudos other than several scenes were way too dark. He responded I know - we had no electricity - our generator is broken.

Made me feel special towards him - busting his ass to shoot a film without power - I'm guessing he's a determined young man. His work is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIKKww-boUk