Q&A by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - After being knocked unconscious and taken captive a man fears for his life as he is asked questions he can't possibly answer. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

You're a really good storyteller, AJ. And this is another winner. I'm really new at screenwriting and like a lot of beginners I can't seem to tell my stories without telegraphing the ending way before I ever arrive at it. You don't seem to have any problems like that. Once again, I didn't see the end coming.

One technical question: I think your flashback with Mark stalking Steve and Laurel needs to be identified as a FLASHBACK? But maybe not. In any case, I instantly read it as a flashback, so maybe it doesn't matter.

Thanks again John.

Yeah I missed the FLASHBACK:

I'll piss Don off by adding another revision lol

I'm adding scripts from Google My Drive from no on so I can make changes without hassling Don... Sorry Don

Well written, engaging, intriguing and a surprise at the end. I enjoyed it. Well done.

Quoted from Geezis Well written, engaging, intriguing and a surprise at the end. I enjoyed it. Well done.

Thanks for the read and feedback

Hi AJ,

I enjoyed the story, cool twist, well done.

There were a couple of things that tripped me up that I need clarifying.

Spoilers!!!!

Was he in his own garage all along? The address Lauren gives is their home address? If so I did find it unrealistic that it was mostly empty. But realistic that Lauren was there.

I was also confused as to what was going on with the noises in the over black scene when Lauren hits him. I think it needs to be a bit clearer. Such as the sound of a metal instrument hitting skull. A moan, the thud of a body hitting the floor. Something like that.

Also, a director won't be able to use that song due to copy right, or if he has tons of cash he could .

I liked how you made the stalker talk descriptively about the perceived sexual acts, it was disturbing while it was happening, but once we knew who this guy was it made lots of sense..Nice

Good story, well done..

Thanks Kirsten

Yeah it was his house, at the beginning we see Steve about to enter his house and then in the "flashback" we see Steve and Laurel entering the house.
The garage was empty because they didn't have much junk to put in there or maybe they had only just moved in. I don't know I just know it was pretty empty lol

Thanks for the read and feedback

Being a good storyteller doesn't make you a good writer. I couldn't get past page one.

Code EXT. STEVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT A large secluded detached house with a garage on the side.

Where are we? The house is secluded... where? EXT. STEVE'S HOUSE does not cut it. Your description is boring. It doesn't pop.

Code STEVE, 30, smart in business suit and tie, is at the front door.

This line is passive and overwritten. Whenever you see the word 'is', try to find a different way of structuring the sentence. I'll give an example after the next bit. It is overwritten because you add the word smart to 'business suit and tie'. Unless you specify disheveled in some way then it's taken for granted that somebody wearing a suit and tie is looking 'smartly dressed'.

Code As he puts the key in the lock a cosh is seen striking him hard to the back of the head.

Again, passive. Is anybody holding the cosh or is this a film about a rogue cosh that somehow has a life of its own?

You could merge the two sentences into one.

As STEVE, 30, suit and tie, turns the key in his front door,
somebody hits him over the back of the head with a cosh.

Code OVER BLACK: The sound of a door opening and slamming is followed by the sound of something being dragged across a concrete floor.

As we are OVER BLACK, you don't need to mention 'The sound of...' We're over black, what else could it be if not a sound effect?

A door opens and slams.

Grunts of exertion as, unconscious, Steve's legs drag
across a concrete floor.

Code INT. GARAGE - NIGHT A single light hanging from the ceiling illuminates the almost empty garage, there is only a TABLE against a wall with two CHAIRS pushed in. Steve is in the middle of the garage, his arms and legs tied to a chair with a hood over his head.

This action block should be split into two. We, generally speaking, write an action block per camera shot. It is also passive and verbose.

Hanging from the ceiling, a bare incandescent bulb
illuminates Steve, a hood over his head and tied to a chair.


I could go through the entire script but it will be more of the same. This is not written to a pro-level. Rewrite it using as active a voice as possible then resubmit.

Thanks for the read and feedback Dustin

Quoted from DustinBowcot Being a good storyteller doesn't make you a good writer.

I'm happy with being a good storyteller, I'll leave the "Writing" to you "writers"

Andy, why not instead take the feedback and be good at both?

That's the beauty of SS and fellow writers offering feedback.

Dustin's given you a leg-up, so imho you should take it. Go through this script and write another draft.

In the long run your scripts will have a higher chance of being produced and of you being noticed if your stories read effortlessly and visually from the page.

Don't let constructive criticism put you off.
Very few writers are just naturally born with talent. They work hard at it.
...

P.S. It's a pretty good story. The twist revealed itself well for me and you choreographed the misdirected very well.

The only thing I quibble with Dustin on is this:

As he puts the key in the lock a cosh is seen striking
him hard to the back of the head.

As STEVE, 30, suit and tie, turns the key in his front door,
somebody hits him over the back of the head with a cosh.

Though technically correct, and a viable alternative I get that you're going strictly with the image/visual of the cosh striking Steve over the back of the head - devoid of writing 'somebody hits him...' or us seeing anything except that cosh.

So, I'd just go with:
As he puts the key into the lock...
A cosh strikes him hard to the back of the head.

Then Cut to black.

Edit: I'm wondering now if there's some sarcasm in your previous post I didn't pick up on at first...? Considering your avatar...

Even the best writers continue to learn and get even better, until I suppose they feel there's nothing more for them to learn.  

AJ,

This didn't quite do it for me in regards to how it ended. I appreciate that you gave us a twist, but the stalker angle and ending was sort of an anti-climax, IMO. Meaning, the end wasn't worth the build up, if that makes sense.

I did like your dialogue, though. I thought you had a pretty decent back and forth between Mark and Steve -- tense. Your action blocks earlier, your descriptions, were a little long winded like Dustin had mentioned. I'd trim them way down. Personally, I try never to go over three lines and usually relegate it to two. Breaking them up sometimes helps, as it would right out of the gate for you in the very first passage.

Good luck with your writing. Keep on it, bro.

Steve

PS -- Take Dustin's advice, then take Libby's advice about Dustin's advice.   And always remember about advice -- take what you need, leave what you don't.

Thanks LC. I do take things on board and can take criticism. I actually did change a bit after what Dustin said. I didn't change the bit with the cosh. I removed the "Smart" when describing Steve although not everyone who wears a suit is "Smart".

This was actually entered in the OWC and I changed a LOT from the feedback I got.

I've been writing for many years but only started screenwriting about four months ago with a view to adapt my Novel. I started writing shorts to get a feel for screenwriting formatting etc. I've written six so far, one placed as a semi finalist, one has just won an award, I've had someone contact me who wants to make another, I had a UK producer/director ask me to write one specifically for him, which he was happy with, to try and get funding from the BFI and I've just signed an agreement with a filmmaker in the states to make Q&A. The one I signed the agreement with has a very impressive IMDB page. All things considered I think I've done OK... just saying

Thanks Steve. I do listen to what others say but that doesn't always mean I'm going to change anything just because someone didn't like it.

You can't please everyone and not everyone is going to like what we write, for whatever reason.

Congrats, Andy!

I look forward to seeing this when it's made.
Keep us in the loop when that might be.

Quoted from LC Congrats, Andy! I look forward to seeing this when it's made. Keep us in the loop when that might be.

Thanks, will do. I wrote this with an English accent in mind so it'll be interesting to see how it comes across with American actors. Oh and just to say this was picked up from Simplyscripts, so thumbs up.

Quoted from AndyJ I removed the "Smart" when describing Steve although not everyone who wears a suit is "Smart".

I think the point with that one is that smart is associated with suit.
It's an obvious thought. suit = smart
So we don't have to elaborate on the obvious, only when we diverge from the norm do we need to do so.

But, if you really want to drill home that he looks smart then simply saying he looks smart is a bit dull. Always think visual "Freshly pressed suit".
In contrast, if your character was a low-life with a court date, he wouldn't be simply "scruffy" he would be in a "Crinkly ill-fitting suit"

Just a thought anyway.

Congrats on your success so far - Long may it continue.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I think the point with that one is that smart is associated with suit. It's an obvious thought. suit = smart So we don't have to elaborate on the obvious, only when we diverge from the norm do we need to do so. But, if you really want to drill home that he looks smart then simply saying he looks smart is a bit dull. Always think visual "Freshly pressed suit". In contrast, if your character was a low-life with a court date, he wouldn't be simply "scruffy" he would be in a "Crinkly ill-fitting suit" Just a thought anyway. Congrats on your success so far - Long may it continue.

Thanks Matt. Yeah I get what you're saying but does it really matter as long as we get an idea of what they are like? I just think a lot of people overthink too much. Obviously if it's really badly written then that's a different matter but does it really matter if I say he is smart?

Quoted from AndyJ Thanks Matt. Yeah I get what you're saying but does it really matter as long as we get an idea of what they are like? I just think a lot of people overthink too much. Obviously if it's really badly written then that's a different matter but does it really matter if I say he is smart?

Nope, doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter if I add garlic to my roast potatoes, but it adds flavour and makes them more enjoyable.

Saying he is smart is good enough - but why settle for good enough?

What with all the madness in the world at the moment I sort of forgot about this being produced. I got an E-mail today telling me they wrapped the film last week and it is now being edited. I can't waiti to see it, I'm also on IMDB now, so I'm pretty pleased.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt13057932/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_1

very cool

Great news

Quoted from eldave1 very cool

I have to say this wouldn't have happened if it were not for SimplyScripts. I wrote this for a OWC so if it wasn't for that the script probably wouldn't exist. Also it was picked up from here so I'm glad I joined here and also entered the OWC, I didn't win that by the way lol

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Great news

Yeah I'm really pleased.

The film has just made Official Selection https://www.lhifilmfestival.co.....W_m8RU60bVXIG-HRP1Y0 Best International Short

Hi. After reading through the feedback, I thought I'd give this a read myself. Apart from all the typos and lack of clarity with the flashback scene, I thought this was just a tad contrived. However I did want to know where this was leading so I stuck it out, but wasn't really taken by the final scene at all. But thanks for sharing.

John