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Hey Matthew, nice, if slightly familiar idea, but I like it.
The title font I'd dial down (just one knotch). I do like elaborate titles but it does look slightly too large imho, but you stick to your guns if you decide to.
The title? I personally think Dial Up might work better than Dials Up. That said, I'm undecided on that... Last Call or Final Call?
Your montage is technically a Sequence of shots. This ain't a RomCom and there's no swirling background music.
Overall, this strangely was a discombobulated read for me and I wonder if the time changes/flashbacks can be streamlined a bit.
Use Supers or Title Cards in some instances - example: LIVING ROOM [1977]
I'm also not convinced the eviction subplot is optimal though I understand you need something else going on to thwart Frank's actions.
I came away from this thinking you've gone with the overall theme that you can't change fate - what's destined to be is just that, and Frank at least manages to tell Andy he loves him - mission accomplished - after attempts to change history fail.
This line: Dad, are you dying? doesn't quite work for me as is. 'Are you okay, Dad?' might suffice, or at least a chuckle from Andy when saying that line?
No need for the continued reference to the 'avocado' phone imho.
A couple of awkward lines but not too many. Just watch your doubling up in description:
He scrunches his face as scores of tears fall onto the floor. Frank bawls his eyes out. That's a bit overkill. I'd edit that to one line if I were you. Scores of tears - meh.
Whoever this is, you are a sick! You are sick? Delete the (a).
The date: "22-Nov 15:00" So the accident happens in the afternoon? It might work better in the dead of night?
It's a good story that has lots of potential for suspense. I just wish you'd gone with a continuing build up of suspense route and changed the course of events so that it's more of an edge of seat thrill ride and ticking clock story for an audience, rather than bittersweet father and son drama - i.e., at least I told him I loved him.
I'm gonna agree with what LC said, plus suggest switching "waddle" for shuffle as I think it seems more of an old person thing. Maybe it's just me but I tend to think of ducks waddling rather than old folks haha
Overall I really liked it though. Like LC mentioned, it can feel a little discombobulating with the jumps in time, but as it's short, and a second read doesn't take long, I found it a better read on a second read.
It'd probably be a piece of piss to shoot too, so wouldn't be surprised if this gets picked up in no time.
Many thanks for the read. This was one of those "procrastinating from my feature shorts"
It was also a conscious effort to write something budget-friendly - I get carried away with shorts, write something that I would love to see with no consideration to the plausibility of production. Turns out writing that way is hard when I can't rely on great special effects lol
Theme - Is obviously subjective as to what you take away from it. The intention, however, was grief/regret. He regrets the last phone call because he wasn't nice. So every day he relives that last phone call - at first, he tries to change the past by telling his son to drive a different way (bargaining) - but his son is dead, doesn't change anything. Eventually, he moves to have the phonecall he should have had in the first place - forgiving his son and telling him he loves him. But he relives this phonecall over and over for the rest of his life - unable to move on - hence the house is the same as it was in the 70's (fear of letting go). He hasn't lived a life, grief holds him back - even when the wolves come knocking on the door, he remains defiant, has to answer that phone.
Don't think I did a great job there - might have to let this ferment in the back of my mind for a little bit and then give it another pass.
Thanks for the tips and advice - appreciated
Matt
Oh, the title - I hate it lol It was originally "Dialled up Grief" - trying to play on the informal phrase Dialled up (Increase in intensity), and dial of a phone I'm open to suggestions for a new title
This was a cool (and moving) little story, though it did take me a couple of reads (paying extra attention to the dates and times on the clock) before I fully got it.
Tips and advice on formatting and so on have been well-stated by the other readers, nothing to add or suggest here. Except that I liked the title and even the decorative font on the title page.
Also, to many American readers of a certain age (that is: "Old-as-fuck") the date November 22 instantly suggests a reference to the assassination of President Kennedy. 11/22/1963. No need to change it, of course. Just a reminder that some of your readers may be as ancient as I am.
Oh I thoroughly enjoyed this. I really don’t think there’s anything to change here. I know it might be hard to understand with the flashbacks times on the clock and all the calls but once you get the idea it falls into places. Very nice
Thank you both for the read and comments. Appreciated.
Not sure how to make it less confusing of a read - I did originally have FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK for every flashback but it got really annoying lol so I just popped the date in the slug, maybe FLASHBACK in the slug would be better.
Oh, the date, I didn't know that. The date in my story is inconsequential so I might change it to one that won't spark thoughts of an unrelated event - thanks for pointing it out.
It didn’t confuse me either, Matt. I was speaking about other people, that others might get confused. I think here once you get the concept the confusion should go away. And I started getting the concept as soon as the confusion started. So I can’t say I got confused. I don’t think you need to make any changes. And I agree with Dustin - wait for your director. My two cents
Loved it. Great story. I'm sitting here asking myself, what would Frank say this time if he had the chance to answer the phone 😂🙆‍♂️. And also, does he accept the fact that he cannot change fate? These are the questions that this story leaves me with. I enjoyed it 👌
Nice little story here. Very good work. Just me and my sensibilities, of course, but how nice would it have been had Andy come through the door at the last second to stop the balliff's from removing Frank from the house? Hey, that's my father! That sort of thing would have brought the story full circle, if you ask me. And of course, you didn't. Like I said, that's just me.
Otherwise, I agree with most here. Very good story, man.
So, I didn't know, but this has actually been filmed.
I gave a filmmaker permission to film this back in April of last year under the conditions that I was kept up to date and given full writing credit.
I randomly came across the old email today when looking for something else and decided to google the guy. He had a short film called "One Last Call" with a release date of 1st Jan 2021... "could be mine" I thought.
read the blurb... "Frank Dearing's life crumbles over 30 years as he receives daily phone calls from his deceased son"... yep, deffo mine.
I've had a quick search and I can't find the finished film anywhere, just a preview of a scene on youtube (Will watch it later as I am at work)
I've reached out to the guy to see if I can see the full film and if I have been given writing credit on it.
Annoying I wasn't kept up to date as this would be the very first time one of my scripts has been turned into a film
Anyways, I think I read this one before. I think you posted this one before. Or I am losing my mind.
But reading it now - and before - it is a pretty nice and warming(in the sense of emotion) read. Yes, it is a little muddled coz of the time jumps, but that's not a big issue. And it's just me, or you deliberately chose the date (11/22) and not the exact year. Or maybe it's coz of my reading one of SK's novels recently(11/22/63).
And also congrats on your film(in advance?). Really happy.
Yeah I'm aware the lack of contact is part of it. In contrast tho, I also gave some students in Australia permission to use it and they sent me an email last week being really apologetic that they couldn't film it because of Covid
So, I didn't know, but this has actually been filmed.
I gave a filmmaker permission to film this back in April of last year under the conditions that I was kept up to date and given full writing credit.
I randomly came across the old email today when looking for something else and decided to google the guy. He had a short film called "One Last Call" with a release date of 1st Jan 2021... "could be mine" I thought.
read the blurb... "Frank Dearing's life crumbles over 30 years as he receives daily phone calls from his deceased son"... yep, deffo mine.
I've had a quick search and I can't find the finished film anywhere, just a preview of a scene on youtube (Will watch it later as I am at work)
I've reached out to the guy to see if I can see the full film and if I have been given writing credit on it.
Annoying I wasn't kept up to date as this would be the very first time one of my scripts has been turned into a film
Consider yourself very lucky if you stumble across a filmmaker that keeps you in the loop, they are few and far between.
A quick check of IMDb seems to say that you were not given credit, at least not on IMDb, possibly still on the film.
I've been stalking posts from the filmmakers and looks like this has just gone into post-production, below are some stills from the film they have posted if anyone is interested. (Looks like they added some guns into the story lol)
All comments above said, and reading the script beyond/through those... overall a very nice story.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Yea I was pleased with it. First time I got to see my words come to life. My only gripe with it was that there was no reason for the old man to open the door, he could have just waited until after the call, but minor detail.
That was an amazing film! Kudos for writing such a great engaging story!
I got shivers at several different points in the story, it was so haunting. And that is the best praise I think a thriller film can get.
It sucks the director never kept you in the loop about everything going on as it happened, but at least you got your dues. Crazy our role in film, isn't it? We start out as the queens, with full control of the board and all play revolves around us. Then somehow we become the pawns and only become an afterthought.
This is definitely one to be proud of, Matt!
(By the way, how badass is it for Van Quattro to sell and advertise his own biography merch in a movie he stars in?!)
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(just one knotch). I do like elaborate titles but it does look slightly too large imho, but you stick to your guns if you decide to.
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