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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Fuss
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Don
Posted: April 12th, 2020, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fuss by James Austin McCormick - Short, Drama - An old man does so hate to make a fuss, even when someone's life is at stake. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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spesh2k
Posted: April 12th, 2020, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... not sure what I saw here. It's decently written enough. And I have somewhat of an idea. Is this about Alzheimer's or dementia? As the middle-aged woman is speaking on the phone, it sounds like gibberish on the Old Man's end, from his POV. And who is he speaking to the whole time? Is it another elderly person who died? Not sure what to think of this, it's a little unclear as to what exactly is going on.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AndyJ
Posted: April 13th, 2020, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hmm... not sure what I saw here. It's decently written enough. And I have somewhat of an idea. Is this about Alzheimer's or dementia? As the middle-aged woman is speaking on the phone, it sounds like gibberish on the Old Man's end, from his POV. And who is he speaking to the whole time? Is it another elderly person who died? Not sure what to think of this, it's a little unclear as to what exactly is going on.

-- Michael


I thought it was quite obvious he was talking to his wife who had died in her chair. The reason it goes like underwater is because the old man is in a little world of his own and not taking any of it in.


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spesh2k
Posted: April 13th, 2020, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Ah, okay. Sorry, kinda went over my head. It was a solid piece, but for dumb people like me, I would've actually liked to have seen her dead, frozen-faced corpse -- only part we see of her is the top of her head as the OLD MAN walks past. Then again, this is a drama and not a horror, so I can see why you executed it the way you did. Also, just another suggestion -- I know there aren't any names used in the dialogue, but I'd still give them less generic names. Again, just my opinion. I get that his in a world of his own, but it felt like the man had Alzheimer's or something and I thought we were seeing that from his point of view.

Best of luck with it!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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James A McCormick
Posted: April 13th, 2020, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Andy and Michael, thanks so much for taking the time to comment.

The idea is definitely that he has some form of dementia and his wife has died. The middle-aged woman at the end is the daughter. I felt that if any of this was made too obvious, showing the wife being the most striking example, it just didn’t work. The reader must infer everything (although I wanted for this to be easy to do).

It might be an idea for me to make the old man’s dementia a little more obvious though I was thinking.

Anyway, thanks again - much appreciated

James
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eldave1
Posted: April 13th, 2020, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, James - a few not issues:


Quoted Text
FADE IN


Need a :


Quoted Text
INT. LIVING ROOM- DAY


Need a space between the M and the -


Quoted Text
An OLD MAN with bland, good humored features


Not sure what I am suppose to see here - bland, good humored features = ??


Quoted Text
OLD MAN
(Loud voice, calling to the
next room). She made such a
fuss, you know? I do hate a
fuss.


Should be formatted this way:

OLD MAN
(to the next room)
She made such a
fuss, you know? I do hate a
fuss.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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James A McCormick
Posted: April 15th, 2020, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, I'll go back and tidy those up
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eldave1
Posted: April 15th, 2020, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James A McCormick
Thanks, I'll go back and tidy those up


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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