Tick by Jay Wilson - Short, Drama - A soon-to-be Father owes a drug dealer money and resorts to desperate measures to pay off his debt. 7 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Your description's a little overlong for some tastes but it's written well.

Page 1 - "now wearing" a knuckle duster? Wouldn't it be kind of obvious? Either have him put one on in scene or lose the knuckle duster. You can still hurt someone with a good punch without one.

You don't need the camera angles/shot descriptions unless you're gonna film this yourself. Some people will be stricter about this. Generally if you want the viewer to focus on a particular person, item, or propr, just describe it in-text rather than directing the camera.

You need full stops at the end of dialogue. The dialogue is actually pretty good, punchy. I don't know the slang well but I'm sure it works fine.

I don't know that I really followed what happened. In my country "fanny" means vagina but I don't think you meant to imply that he literally stole a bag of vagina.

It seems like some sort of twist but a combination of the scene changes and the jumps loses me.

This reads well and it might work better if you spent more time with the twist/gimmick beforehand rather than eagerly jumping to it.

A short about gangsters is a little 90s, played out.

Happy to chat to you more about it if youre on the boards, writer.