The Leak by James Aslin - Short, Drama - Three men are suspects of crossing a mafia crime boss in the 1960's.  10 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hi, James,

Welcome to screenwriting and this site as well.

First off, you need a title page.

No scene numbers required in a spec script. Lose it.

Go a little into character description. At least, give them an age and some distinct features.

Story-wise, this can be fleshed out a little more. Although I get the story but still it can be worked some more. It was a nice read, BTW.  

At last, read as many scripts as possible. There is no other better way to learn writing.

Good luck.

The script needs a lot of work.  I could not picture this even on the big screen.  I am still trying to figure out what the character did wrong.  "He messed up".  Ok.  What did he do?  Henry, or preferably known as "He" through-out this script, is a complete moron.  Henry has no feelings for his secretary, whom he shoots in the leg for no reason.  One of the men finally confess, but to what?  What did he do that was so wrong?

The build up to the one character confessing to whatever he did that was wrong, took forever to read to that point.  The dialogue was boring and there was nothing that really happened.  You leave the reader's scratching their heads wondering, what did this guy do that was so horrible that the other guys in the room beat the hell out of him?  And you still have the secretary in the room bleeding from a gunshot wound.  Henry just walks out without a care in the world.  I don't get it.

I believe this was a first attempt at script writing because the formatting, grammar, punctuations, etc., are all over the place.  Trust me, read scripts daily.  Get ideas and styles from other writers.  See how other writers are writing their scripts.  When an individual reads a script, they want to see the "movie" in their head.  They want to be part of the experience.  This script, you left me scratching my head with too many open ended questions.  

Read scripts daily.  Then, make an honest effort in a 2nd Draft.  It won't hurt.  Correct the errors, and clean up the story so it is understandable.  This is not directly at you.  This directly at the script.  I like the "Mafia" stories.  They are cool to read.  But when you read a script or a story, you should be able to understand all that is happening and why.  This script just leaves you hanging with too many questions unanswered.

Good luck.