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I quite liked it. I do get what Mathew is saying but got it anyway and could see how it could be filmed. I suppose we could have had the barman look at Mike as he is talking to "Himself" and just shake his head thinking Mike is drunk.
If it gets made itl'll be good to see how it turns out.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Small or small? Preping to cash up? Prepping to cash up? Preparing to cash up? It's the little errors in the first lines that can harden a reader's attitude against a script and its writer.
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Then walks off.
Walks off what? A cliff? A bender? Well, it is a bar....
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Any moment now a man is going to walk in to WANT to hold-up/rob this place.
There's a lot of disjointed dialogue. I had to reread lines at least twice in an attempt to understand it.
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Whilst he had the intention... he did not follow through. He has done no evil.
Your angels would never pass a bar exam. Pretty sure most every court on Earth would consider the deceased would-be stickup man to have been the author of his own misfortune.
Barry, this deserves a rewrite. Fix up your ending and then give the whole thing another pass or three. It's a fun premise.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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An Angel in a Bar
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