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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Peer Pressure
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Don
Posted: October 10th, 2020, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Peer Pressure by Debamoy Datta - Short, Drama - The struggle of a boy to find the reason behind his friend's pathetic condition amidst a bunch of people, some tagged as smart. 9 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2020, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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There are a lot of grammatical errors throughout - you'll need to find a way to clean those up.


Quoted Text
INT. MERLIN HOSPITAL - WAITING HALL - DAY

The waiting hall is just in front of the hospital bedrooms
where patients rests. A period of silence followed by loud
shrieks and moaning of a boy can be heard. In the bench, in
front of the room no 401 sits BHUMIT(21), He has come to see
his friend AMLESH(21) and is sweating in fear.


No need to repeat the location (Hall) in the description when it is already in your header.

Don't include unfilmables - only things we can see or hear. We can't see or hear that AMLESH is his best friend.

Don't introduced a character until they are actually in the film.

It should be something like this:


INT. MERLIN HOSPITAL - WAITING HALL - DAY

BHUMIT (21), sweating and nervous, sits on a bench just outside ROOM 401.

In between moments of silence, the MOANING of a young male in
pain echoes from the room.

But the real issue is that you are not going to get far if you don't find a tool for that grammar.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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