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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  With a Shake of the Head - OWC
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  Author    With a Shake of the Head - OWC  (currently 654 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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With a Shake of the Head by Author's Name - Two divers, running out of air, learn some home truths.

I Shot an Arrow into the Air - S1E15
  - Short, Drama


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Gum
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Oh, man… morbid tale. There must have been a shit ton of resentment baggage that Judy was toting around in Sarah’s wake, and for years, to be able to go that route without a second thought.

This tale holds true regarding serious ramifications of selfish choice that the Twilight Zone encapsulated on; the players, the situation, and the serious dark twist. Works well, good story.
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spesh2k
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one. Well written, only one typo that I spotted. And the story between mother and daughter took a morbid twist... and I love morbid. The ending reminded me of "The Mist", but what bugged me was that the mother took her daughter out without it being a mercy kill -- only to realize that they've been rescued a few moments later. Especially since her daughter had a kid and husband at home, I thought her turn was a tad sudden, not sure why exactly she decided to go full-on evil just like that.

Nevertheless, I really did like this one. Great job!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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The mother turning suddenly against the daughter like that came to far out of left-field for me.

Apart from that, the rest of it worked fine with a classic TW style twist at the end.

A decent effort, well done.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Writer, seems you're caught between a rock and a hard place, on one hand the mother going off like that was sudden, and on the other the page limit. Not sure what else you could have done. But I didn't have a problem with it.  Very nice work and a good read.

Ghost


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Again, not too close to the original, that's fine.

The end twist is dark, but not sure it's been set up sufficiently... maybe an extra page or two would have helped to flesh out their relationship.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Bort
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this one, though it's more in the rewrite territory. The dialogue is well written between Judy and her daughter. Could have a couple more lines that indicate their strained relationship to balance out the ending feeling like it comes out of left-field and it being a clever twist.

Good job.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I don't mind the similarity with the original at all since you wrote it so well and its the challenge, right? I would've bought into the mother offing the daughter that sudden if the whole ordeal was planned but the quick decision is hard to swallow. If it was her spouse? Yeah, you bet. Always a million reason for a thoughtless person to kill off the spouse. Sounds dark but true.


Nice work - I liked it.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Oh, I know a bit more about this than the others, as it's one of a few I had time to research... couldn't come up with a decent story on it myself though.


Quoted Text
SARAH
Did we hit something?
JUDY
I don't remember.
SARAH
Gas leak?
Judy shakes her head, signs that she can't hear and, then
hits a red button in front of her. The alarm stops.


This was odd, she can't hear yet she just answered her.

True to original, so much so that the ending was known from the beginning - would have been nice if it was twisted a different way, a different spin. This is another that borders on the rewrite side for me - but oh well.

No issues with the writing at all, story ended up being a bit bland for me to be honest and the mother goes from inviting daughter so they can build a relationship to cold-blooded murder very quickly... yea there are people like that out there but it makes the character feel very one-dimensional tbh.

Well done for getting one in.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ABennettWriter
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Ending was sudden, but damn, it hit hard. There might be some you could trim to really fit this into six pages, since you don't really have a FADE OUT or THE END.

This is one of my favorites. Super easy to film, small budget, and with a little work, you could have a great punch of an ending. Good job.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Very similar to the TZ episode, but you managed to make it different enough. Good job on that.

Don't really have much else to say or suggest. I'm only going to say that of the ones I've read so far, the most brutal line of dialogue has been this, It's my passion, and you were just a
mistake that interfered with it. Wow!

Good job!  


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Reading the ending of this reminded me of watching The Mist for the first time. Such a messed up ending and yet so good.

However, having a ending like that I think you should spend a little more time showing us that their relationship is a rough one. It's okay as is, but a little more wouldn't hurt either.

I liked this one, good work.
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LC
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Motherly love, eh?

Suffers from restrictions of page count imho. More backstory is needed for such a ruthless move on Mum's part and justification for her decision, and for it to be a well rounded stand-alone short.

I dunno, I needed a bit more, apart from the odd expletive. Maybe if you ramped up some of the escalating fear?

Mum's got some explaining to do now...  

Packed a punch, and some nice work regardless.

P.S. I think the title could be more compelling too.


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Fais85
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Stories like this need more time to develop the relationship between the characters. The relationship is very important for readers to know why someone would take such a harsh decision? That too for her own daughter.

No complains for writing. But it falls flat due to the page limit I guess.

Best of luck!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 6:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
JUDY
It is what it is.

SARAH
I fucking hate that expression.


I know how you feel. Less than a week to go.


Quoted Text
Judy reaches for her daughter, taker her hand in her own.


You mean "takes"? Judy and Sarah are mother and daughter, correct?


Quoted Text
JUDY
So, we both die, and Connor loses a
Mom, [and] Ben [loses] his wife?


Grammar is a bit odd here.

*Spoilers*

I didn't see that (first) twist coming. I was expecting more like MacReady and Childs in Carpenter's The Thing.

And I certainly wasn't expecting that The Mist ending.

Overall, it was pretty good. The story was simple and easy to follow. Everything was nice and lean. Congrats.


FADE IN:
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