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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Doomsday for Denton - OWC
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  Author    Doomsday for Denton - OWC  (currently 1105 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Doomsday for Denton by RS - Some Legends are best observed from a safe distance.

Mr. Denton on Doomsday - S1E3
  - Short, Drama


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Gum
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Quick, easy read that was fun to the punch, so a quick and easy comment is really all that’s needed here. I guess O'Leary had some potent elixir in those pints that Denton was putting back? That’s my take, and it resonated well with the original Twilight idea, but fresh… so to speak.

Unless I got that wrong? Nah... I think I got it. Well done.
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spesh2k
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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PAGE 1: Should've just called the bar "THE NAGS HEAD PUB" in the scene heading.

Hmm, I really liked the actual writing. As for the story -- it's very close to the original TZ episode. They even talk like they're in the Wild West -- the dialogue is very good, by the way. But I didn't really see a payoff here, unlike the original. I do realize there's only 6 pages to work with, but the ending fell a little flat for me.

Nice work, though.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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steven8
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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I had to look several times to understand the ending.  O' Leary, the man Denton 'bested', was actually the owner of the pub and the worked the con together.  I really liked this.  Well written and moved very smoothly.


...in no particular order
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Bort
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Not much else to say here as the script was mostly clean and read real smooth.

The dialogue is superb and I liked the reveal of O'Leary and Denton working together at the end.

Only 2 minor typos I spotted, which are no big deal at all: Bazza? Barry's name? Or perhaps this is a regional thing (UK/Aussie after I google'd haha)

Nag's Head Pub hooks me in a lot more than Council Estate Pub in the scene heading. Again, probably a typo.

Great job!
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spesh2k
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Gave this another read... the twist completely went over my head the first time around. Second time around, it worked better for me, though I had to read the comments to know that I missed something after the first read. Probably just lazy reading on my part.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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I remember the original and this one updates it and adds a gritty feel, somewhere between inspired by and re-write.

The end differs too, not sure about that, but the twist is good.

Liked the setting and the characters.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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I have a feeling the writer of this one wrote two entries due to a trademark I've noticed...
I could be wrong, might be coincidence.

I would correct one thing (if it were me) but it might spoil the rest of the review, and it's minor and you can ask me later if you want.

I can't really say the story was riveting or to personal taste but the writing and characterisation held my interest.

A deft hand at work here. Nicely done.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Nice read. Quick, easy to follow and the characters all felt real, the dialogue natural.

The only niggle for me was I didn't get the twist ending until I read the comments here.

Great job.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ABennettWriter
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Quick, fun read. Great dialogue and action. I, too, missed the visual clue at the end. It might work better once filmed, but the name drop and the owner of the pub didn't connect on first read.

Maybe make the "O'Leary" name drop read bigger, not literally, but give it a little more substance that we actually catch it so when we read it, we're like, "oh. that's clever."

Just a note but I really enjoyed it. Good job!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 27th, 2020, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I've read it, don't get it... then I read the comments, still don't get it.

So what if O'Leary is the owner of the pub, someone Denton beat in the past, don't really see the relevance of it to be honest. I see the original TZ episode had some kind of elixir in it, maybe that's what you were going for with this but without knowledge of the TZ episode it doesn't come across

The writing, however, was great, authentic dialogue and distinct characters - I just don't understand the story at all. I'm happy for someone to spoon-feed me what is going on.

All the best


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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JEStaats
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Yep, read it twice. Still don't get it. So what if O'Leary is the owner and previously defeated by Denton? Was there elixir in the pint(s)? Would it matter? Is there really anything to 'get' from this or did the pup just get a life lesson?

The first half page through me with the slug council estate pub and then the pub's name being nags head. That needs explaining. Was Bazza just a typo? It derailed the old train of thought on first read.

The dialogue seemed quite authentic. So much so that it was hard for me to decipher a couple lines.

All in all, I did like it. Nice job.
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Fais85
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I liked this. I liked the twist that how Denton and Danny worked together, perhaps?

Overall, very nice and clean writing. Good job!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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This is the last episode I watched on Netflix. If a certain idiot could stay out of the news for one day, maybe I'd have more time to devote to all my unfinished business.

In this episode, Bill Erwin strongly resembles Lee Van Cleef, rather than the more familiar appearance he'd take in his later years (for example Home Alone; Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; and Growing Pains).

The logline isn't really one. I'd say it's a tagline.


Quoted Text
Danny, 50s, collecting glasses to Bazza's left eyes up his
youngest customer by a good thirty years.


Huh? What does this mean?


Quoted Text
DENTON
Got till I sup rest a this.


And this? Do you mean "sip"?


Quoted Text
The glance at the optics behind the bar betrays an
alcoholics' lack of conviction.


Not quite sure what you mean here, either.

Despite the lacks of Fade in and Fade out, and a few odd phrases, it was a pretty decent story that could be fixed up in later revisions. I didn't quite get the ending.

A fair effort. Congrats on entering.


FADE IN:
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Conz
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Vaguely remember this episode, let’s see what ya got…

Bazza?

Barry and Danny’s names should be flipped. Danny sounds 20, Barry 50.

How was this a Twilight Zone? I like the little conman angle, but I wouldn’t say that really struck me as a Twilight Zone-ish story. Maybe I missed something. I'm sure i did, and i'm sure it tied back to the inspiration episode that i barely remember.

It was a brisk and kinda fun read though.


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