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Quick, easy read that was fun to the punch, so a quick and easy comment is really all that’s needed here. I guess O'Leary had some potent elixir in those pints that Denton was putting back? That’s my take, and it resonated well with the original Twilight idea, but fresh… so to speak.
Unless I got that wrong? Nah... I think I got it. Well done.
PAGE 1: Should've just called the bar "THE NAGS HEAD PUB" in the scene heading.
Hmm, I really liked the actual writing. As for the story -- it's very close to the original TZ episode. They even talk like they're in the Wild West -- the dialogue is very good, by the way. But I didn't really see a payoff here, unlike the original. I do realize there's only 6 pages to work with, but the ending fell a little flat for me.
I had to look several times to understand the ending. O' Leary, the man Denton 'bested', was actually the owner of the pub and the worked the con together. I really liked this. Well written and moved very smoothly.
Gave this another read... the twist completely went over my head the first time around. Second time around, it worked better for me, though I had to read the comments to know that I missed something after the first read. Probably just lazy reading on my part.
Quick, fun read. Great dialogue and action. I, too, missed the visual clue at the end. It might work better once filmed, but the name drop and the owner of the pub didn't connect on first read.
Maybe make the "O'Leary" name drop read bigger, not literally, but give it a little more substance that we actually catch it so when we read it, we're like, "oh. that's clever."
I've read it, don't get it... then I read the comments, still don't get it.
So what if O'Leary is the owner of the pub, someone Denton beat in the past, don't really see the relevance of it to be honest. I see the original TZ episode had some kind of elixir in it, maybe that's what you were going for with this but without knowledge of the TZ episode it doesn't come across
The writing, however, was great, authentic dialogue and distinct characters - I just don't understand the story at all. I'm happy for someone to spoon-feed me what is going on.
Yep, read it twice. Still don't get it. So what if O'Leary is the owner and previously defeated by Denton? Was there elixir in the pint(s)? Would it matter? Is there really anything to 'get' from this or did the pup just get a life lesson?
The first half page through me with the slug council estate pub and then the pub's name being nags head. That needs explaining. Was Bazza just a typo? It derailed the old train of thought on first read.
The dialogue seemed quite authentic. So much so that it was hard for me to decipher a couple lines.
This is the last episode I watched on Netflix. If a certain idiot could stay out of the news for one day, maybe I'd have more time to devote to all my unfinished business.
In this episode, Bill Erwin strongly resembles Lee Van Cleef, rather than the more familiar appearance he'd take in his later years (for example Home Alone; Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; and Growing Pains).
The logline isn't really one. I'd say it's a tagline.
Quoted Text
Danny, 50s, collecting glasses to Bazza's left eyes up his youngest customer by a good thirty years.
Huh? What does this mean?
Quoted Text
DENTON Got till I sup rest a this.
And this? Do you mean "sip"?
Quoted Text
The glance at the optics behind the bar betrays an alcoholics' lack of conviction.
Not quite sure what you mean here, either.
Despite the lacks of Fade in and Fade out, and a few odd phrases, it was a pretty decent story that could be fixed up in later revisions. I didn't quite get the ending.
Vaguely remember this episode, let’s see what ya got…
Bazza?
Barry and Danny’s names should be flipped. Danny sounds 20, Barry 50.
How was this a Twilight Zone? I like the little conman angle, but I wouldn’t say that really struck me as a Twilight Zone-ish story. Maybe I missed something. I'm sure i did, and i'm sure it tied back to the inspiration episode that i barely remember.
It was a brisk and kinda fun read though.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)