Doomsday for Denton by RS - Some Legends are best observed from a safe distance.

Mr. Denton on Doomsday - S1E3
  - Short, Drama

Hi writer,

Quick, easy read that was fun to the punch, so a quick and easy comment is really all that’s needed here. I guess O'Leary had some potent elixir in those pints that Denton was putting back? That’s my take, and it resonated well with the original Twilight idea, but fresh… so to speak.

Unless I got that wrong? Nah... I think I got it. Well done.

PAGE 1: Should've just called the bar "THE NAGS HEAD PUB" in the scene heading.

Hmm, I really liked the actual writing. As for the story -- it's very close to the original TZ episode. They even talk like they're in the Wild West -- the dialogue is very good, by the way. But I didn't really see a payoff here, unlike the original. I do realize there's only 6 pages to work with, but the ending fell a little flat for me.

Nice work, though.

-- Michael

I had to look several times to understand the ending.  O' Leary, the man Denton 'bested', was actually the owner of the pub and the worked the con together.  I really liked this.  Well written and moved very smoothly.

Not much else to say here as the script was mostly clean and read real smooth.

The dialogue is superb and I liked the reveal of O'Leary and Denton working together at the end.

Only 2 minor typos I spotted, which are no big deal at all: Bazza? Barry's name? Or perhaps this is a regional thing (UK/Aussie after I google'd haha)

Nag's Head Pub hooks me in a lot more than Council Estate Pub in the scene heading. Again, probably a typo.

Great job!

Gave this another read... the twist completely went over my head the first time around. Second time around, it worked better for me, though I had to read the comments to know that I missed something after the first read. Probably just lazy reading on my part.

I remember the original and this one updates it and adds a gritty feel, somewhere between inspired by and re-write.

The end differs too, not sure about that, but the twist is good.

Liked the setting and the characters.

Decent effort

I have a feeling the writer of this one wrote two entries due to a trademark I've noticed...
I could be wrong, might be coincidence.

I would correct one thing (if it were me) but it might spoil the rest of the review, and it's minor and you can ask me later if you want.

I can't really say the story was riveting or to personal taste but the writing and characterisation held my interest.

A deft hand at work here. Nicely done.

Nice read. Quick, easy to follow and the characters all felt real, the dialogue natural.

The only niggle for me was I didn't get the twist ending until I read the comments here.

Great job.

-Mark

Quick, fun read. Great dialogue and action. I, too, missed the visual clue at the end. It might work better once filmed, but the name drop and the owner of the pub didn't connect on first read.

Maybe make the "O'Leary" name drop read bigger, not literally, but give it a little more substance that we actually catch it so when we read it, we're like, "oh. that's clever."

Just a note but I really enjoyed it. Good job!

Hello writer

I've read it, don't get it... then I read the comments, still don't get it.

So what if O'Leary is the owner of the pub, someone Denton beat in the past, don't really see the relevance of it to be honest. I see the original TZ episode had some kind of elixir in it, maybe that's what you were going for with this but without knowledge of the TZ episode it doesn't come across

The writing, however, was great, authentic dialogue and distinct characters - I just don't understand the story at all. I'm happy for someone to spoon-feed me what is going on.

All the best

Yep, read it twice. Still don't get it. So what if O'Leary is the owner and previously defeated by Denton? Was there elixir in the pint(s)? Would it matter? Is there really anything to 'get' from this or did the pup just get a life lesson?

The first half page through me with the slug council estate pub and then the pub's name being nags head. That needs explaining. Was Bazza just a typo? It derailed the old train of thought on first read.

The dialogue seemed quite authentic. So much so that it was hard for me to decipher a couple lines.

All in all, I did like it. Nice job.

I liked this. I liked the twist that how Denton and Danny worked together, perhaps?

Overall, very nice and clean writing. Good job!

This is the last episode I watched on Netflix. If a certain idiot could stay out of the news for one day, maybe I'd have more time to devote to all my unfinished business.

In this episode, Bill Erwin strongly resembles Lee Van Cleef, rather than the more familiar appearance he'd take in his later years (for example Home Alone; Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; and Growing Pains).

The logline isn't really one. I'd say it's a tagline.

Quoted Text Danny, 50s, collecting glasses to Bazza's left eyes up his youngest customer by a good thirty years.

Huh? What does this mean?

Quoted Text DENTON Got till I sup rest a this.

And this? Do you mean "sip"?

Quoted Text The glance at the optics behind the bar betrays an alcoholics' lack of conviction.

Not quite sure what you mean here, either.

Despite the lacks of Fade in and Fade out, and a few odd phrases, it was a pretty decent story that could be fixed up in later revisions. I didn't quite get the ending.

A fair effort. Congrats on entering.

Vaguely remember this episode, let’s see what ya got…

Bazza?

Barry and Danny’s names should be flipped. Danny sounds 20, Barry 50.

How was this a Twilight Zone? I like the little conman angle, but I wouldn’t say that really struck me as a Twilight Zone-ish story. Maybe I missed something. I'm sure i did, and i'm sure it tied back to the inspiration episode that i barely remember.

It was a brisk and kinda fun read though.

Writing was great. Was able to breeze through this fairly quickly. I liked the fighting part especially. I could picture very move clearly.

Not sure I'm getting the ending though. I understand that the guy Denton fought and defeated is the owner of the bar, but it seems a bit bland to me. Unless I'm missing something.

Good work regardless.

Some of your word choices invite pause for analysis...

Quoted Text by the multiple layers of clothing common to those sleeping rough

You mean homeless..?

What optics????? probably me though -- I must be mentally challenged.

That said... I liked it,  but it didn't leap out and grab me and demand I turn the page. Still was a pretty fast read so you have something of interest. Hats off & Good luck with it. Hope it was helpful, voodoo doll me if it isn't. -A

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Some of your word choices invite pause for analysis.. What optics????? probably me though -- I must be mentally challenged. ... A

Not just you... And, if you are, Andrea, (mentally challenged) I'm in the same boat.

No offence to the writer but I noticed the use of 'optics' in another script and I'm wondering if it's the same writer cottoned onto a buzz word. I could be wrong... We shall see.

Optics
1. the scientific study of sight and the behaviour of light, or the properties of transmission and deflection of other forms of radiation.
2.
NORTH AMERICAN
(typically in a political context) the way in which an event or course of action is perceived by the public.
"what we really need in this circumstance is to make smart decisions in the best interest of student safety—not simply make changes that win political points for optics"

It may be a regional thing. I Googled and...

A bar Optic is a trademarked pub measure created by Gaskell and Chambers. The Optic is a device which is mounted in the neck of an inverted spirit bottle and dispenses a measure of alcohol when the lever is pushed or pulled.

My ignorance then.

I'll go with the 'regional' excuse.  

Interesting story and characters, but I wanted more from the ending.

I thought this was really well written, Denton felt otherworldly. I confused myself a few times, because Barry sounds like an older man's name while Danny sounds like a young whippersnapper. Maybe that's just me.
The fight was cool/ well-written. I imagined it as a DBZ/anime type of fight for some reason.

Reading the synopsis of the original episode it seems like the potion played a major role in the story. So... is O'Leary spiking the drinks with something positive for Denton and/or something negative for the challengers? It's clear that Denton and O'Leary are in cahoots, but to risk getting into street-fights without some kind of edge doesn't make sense. If there is some potion behind the scenes it should at least be alluded to, the licensee sign wasn't enough.

I wanted more from the ending. Good stuff, nonetheless.

This was tied for my 2nd top rated script. I missed the twist at the end the first time. After reading it a second time, my appreciation for the script went up. Really enjoyed the writing and the dialogue.

Thanks all for the comments and suggestions... will definitely be re-working this one a little.

Barry and Bazza... a regional thing, Barry, whilst no longer a common name, is sometimes changed to Bazza in slang/speech, shoulda probably stuck to Barry to avoid confusion.

The end, he refers to O'Leary being a cheat earlier in the script, and then he cheats on the kid by attacking him from behind when he's not ready, a trick or two he's learnt from O'Leary. So there's no real elixir here but setting it in a pub harks to that notion too.

Sup is slang for drink, in the UK at least

I didn't realise until writing this that Optics are a UK thing either, live and learn.

Thanks for all the comments.