What Goes Around by Pablo E. Vizcarrondo III  - Short, Drama - A drenched Neisha is offered a ride, but will she make it home?  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Pablo, had a quick read, so a few thoughts.

The dialogue when Neisha is walking alone in the rain doesn’t feel natural, most people dont talk to themselves, especially in bad weather.

Unfortunately then it starts to become unrealistic... she’s very unlikely to get in the vehicle, and definitely wouldn’t drink his special water.

Dialogue like this

BILLY
Let’s go get the duct tape and the
other usual appliances. She’ll be out for another two hours or so.

Is too expositional, people wouldn’t say it.

Ferociously duct taped to the chair reads very awkwardly as it is past tense.

The ‘twist’ is telegraphed but also not set up properly. E.g. where does she get anything to spike it with and how does she spike it when it isnt open?

The logic issues need work and the dialogue a re-think, trying saying out loud and see if you think it sounds realistice.

Best