A quick note on the formatting, as something seems to have gone awry on the dialogue lines whenever you use a wrylie... the wrylie itself should be on its own line, the dialogue below it... in yours they are on the same line and as a consequence it is mis-aligning the dialogue.
Some of the dialogue seems a little on the nose, like you are explaining the setup to us as a reader... so the dialogue itself seems a little unnatural.
When he gets out of the car to push it, this may be better as a new scene as he's now EXT of the car.
"I used to take my kids there everyday after church" - everyday or every Sunday? First seems excessive and just struck me as odd.
Head of an accounting firm who cannot afford a car, again just doesn't feel right... accountants are great at working out ways to pay for things indirectly,
Not sure about the final lines, but I get what you are trying to say.
I enjoyed this, think it needs a little work but the overall idea worked for me and the story moved along nicely. |
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On the Corner of 5th and Maple
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