Sophie's Camera by Vincent A Masson - Short, Drama - A gifted young photographer discovers another aspect to Photography she doesn't anticipate. 11 pags - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Vincent.

Are you around for feedback on this?

Hello, yes! That would be great and much appreciated. Thank you!

Hey, Vincent - I checked this out.

Quoted Text INT. SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY An elementary school class in progress. Dozens of little kids sit around MRS. WARBLER, the teacher, who finishes a lesson with a digital camera in her right hand, displayed towards the class.

You can write more efficiently by putting additional items in your header, e,g, the above could be:

INT.  ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY

Dozens of little kids sit around MRS. WARBLER, the teacher, who finishes a
lesson with a digital camera in her right hand, displayed
towards the class.

Saves a whole line. I would also give an age for MRS WARBLER, cap KIDS and rather than call them little - gives the age. e.g., A dozen of eight-year-old.....

Quoted Text SOPHIE, A young girl of about 10, gets up, and heads for the door. MRS. WARBLER Oh, Sophie - just a second, please... Sophie, who was on her way out the door, pauses, turns to the teacher, who motions her to sit beside her.

The above is a bit clumsy and inefficient - eg., why not just (10) - rather than a young girl about ten? Also - the way it is written, it sounds like Sophie waited for all the other kids to get up and go to the door and then she goes to the door - I don't think that was your intention. Maybe do this instead:

MRS. WARBLER
Oh, Sophie - just a second,
please...

SOPHIE (10) pauses at the door, turns to Mrs. Warbler, who motions her to sit beside her.

Quoted Text MRS. WARBLER Sophie, do you know what tomorrow is? (beat) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. MRS. WARBLER (cont’d) I mean - sorry, of course you don’t... Beat. MRS. WARBLER Um, well, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know you don’t like big crowds, so I thought I would see what you think... Mrs. Warbler clears her throat, proceeds -- MRS. WARBLER Tomorrow is the last day for the teachers to vote for the winners of the "Rising Star Awards" for this year. (beat) Do you know what those are? Sophie shakes her head, "No". MRS. WARBLER They’re for students that the teachers think are... (beat) Well, rising stars. (beat) They’re doing really good work, Sophie.

Lose all these "beats" and all the ones that follow  - you're absolutely killing the rhythm of your dialogue.

Quoted Text The car ride home. There’s a noticeable detachment between Sophie and her Father - who is still talking animatedly on his cell phone with one hand, and steering through traffic with the offer. Sophie looks out the window.

Again - pretty inefficient - you don't need to tell us there is a detachment when you are showing us (preferred) - also it is an unfilmable as "the car ride home is" too .  Lastly - if he is talking on the phone - you need to write that dialogue (i.e., what he is saying).

i.e., just this.

Sophie gazes out the passenger window as --

Her Father, phone to his ear, drives.

SOPHIE'S FATHER
Whatever it is that he is
saying.

Okay - I am going to stop here and with the writing stuff and just focus on the story now.

I rather liked the story - not crazy about the ending - but in my view, imaginative and original - I think you have a keen mind in these areas.

However ... the writing itself is pretty poor, IMO. Work on that and I think you'll be well on your way.

Hey, thank you so much for your critique on the format and the story. I agree with it. I appreciate your time and will implement these errors. Thank you again!

Quoted from VincentM Hey, thank you so much for your critique on the format and the story. I agree with it. I appreciate your time and will implement these errors. Thank you again!

My pleasure