Fatal Distraction by Not Again... - aka L. Chambers.  Short, Drama - A woman is forced to make a choice whether to forgive her husband after the death of their child while in his care. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted Text AVA Do you have children, Mr Swinton.

Needs a ? at the end.

This is another excellent premise. It does take two reads to get the bearing straight given all the back and forth (i.e., it gets a bit confusing given all of the characters that you have introduced) – BUT – once filmed (or recorded) – I don’t think there will be any confusion at all (because we’ll hear the different voices).

I like the frantic nature of this. I like the cautionary tale – nice job.

Struggled with the chronology of the calls a little here, but figured it out with a quick re-read.

I may be being too simplistic here, but why is Ava even questioning testifying against Dan?

Powerful though.

I reread this a couple times and I think I've got it. Very interesting approach to such a nightmarish event. It was difficult discerning between voicemail and actually conversations, especially the recorded conversations (I think?). Valiant effort here, good work.

So, is the frantic shifting back and forth kind of to represent her indecision where she's battling all these emotions trying to forgive her husband? I like that a lot, if that is what you're going for.

I think it's probably hamstrung by the phone/non-visual parameters and could work a lot better visually with obvious flashbacks we can see.

Was an interesting read, something different, so kudos for that.

Emotive and cautionary. Very well written.
Well done.

For some reason I'm not understanding the ending - could be just Ava relieving the event.

Oh, I know the reason - I"m not smart at all.

But this is a nice tale. Very straightforward despite being a jam of many calls back to back and quite a story told only through phone conversations. You managed very well - I understood all of it which is big (well, a bit at the end is not very clearly but it's a small part of it)

Nice work overall. Really good

This is effectively sad. The conversation snippets work. Perhaps there is some small bit of hope at the end.

At first I was looking for a pattern in the calls. One caller branches off to the next one and so on. The lawyer connects with the mother and another person connects with her and so on down the line. In the end, it seems that that was not the case.

Total upheaval for all involved. Interesting script.

Interesting take on the premise.

My one gripe is with the phone call where Dan tells Ava their daughter has died.  I believe this would be face-to-face.  It's fairly tacky and impersonal to do it by phone call.  I would imagine if it wasn't for the parameters you wouldn't have written it like this.

Meets the challenge.

I think you really nailed the parameters and the premise, excellent work there.

And holy crap, you really stuck the landing with conveying a flashback on the page that would also work for audio. Well done.

Some of the dialogue could be streamlined, but I'm nitpicking.

Awesome stuff~

Super strong script. The chaos of it mirrors the chaos in her mind. So many voices telling her what's right or wrong.

And, I love the choice to tell it out of order.

Every bit of it is reflective of her mindset. That's excellent.

Love how you finished it.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text BARRY Ava, Barry Swinton... I thought we might be have just one last conversation about your testimony before -

Something's not quite right.

Excellent entry here, really well structured and easy to follow. It really pulls at the heart strings. Needs another small edit for sentence structure and grammar but otherwise hard to fault.

All the best.

Writer,

for me, this kind of jumped all over the place. I'm feeling that was intentional. Distracting at first, then it made sense. Damn. I actually FELT this at times, so good work there. Good entry.

Steve

For me, this was a little disconcerting how much it was jumping all over the place, but after reflecting on it I'm sure it matches up with the chaos going on in her life after the death of a child.  Good idea and well played out.  Needs some editing if you do a re-write, but otherwise good job here.  Best of luck with it.

Gary

I got completely lost reading this. I see from the comments everyone else got it so I feel thick. It's like there are flashbacks going on with the calls but I don't know who's talking to who or when. This will probably work much better as audio as it will be more obvious. I'll probably revisit this and read it again once I've been through the rest.

Hello writer

This was decent. It was frantic and disjointed just like somebody would be in this situation as she battles with her emotions and if she can forgive or condemn her partner. powerful stuff.

Feels like it was written in a rush and deffo needs a cleanup.

I would lose the call with Dan and his mother - it's the only part that is not Ava's POV and doesn't;t fit with the rest.

Not sure how things happen where you are, but here an officer would not tell someone that news over the phone, that is face-to-face, you've done it to fit the parameters and the phone theme but it's not realistic.

Overall I enjoyed this. The ending was her forgiving him, right? being by his side?

I remember reading a story here not long back where a guy was supposed to drop his daughter off at nursery (which he didn't normally do) but forgot she was there and went straight to work - seems the same as this story and it was a bloody upsetting news story to read.

Best of luck with it

Loved this. I read an article a long time ago which made the argument that such events, as tragic as they are, are in fact accidental. Just my two cents.

Hmmm... last one as it's beddy bos time.

So as I was reading this, I had a feeling I better read slow so as not to get disoriented. Found myself smiling through the entire read thinking: "Ohh. I see what the Writer did here... and there.. oh, and here." Love it. The way you handled the many calls to deftly weave in story, excellent. Organic.  But then the Ah-Ha moment for me. Well, sort of. When Dan chats with his mum. Um, I'm still on the fence, I'd say leave it in -- but let the force guide you.

That said, I thought this was great. Emotional, maybe a teensy bit rushed, but still tightly written. Absorbing.

And whoop there it is!  Best of Irish luck with this. -A

Thought this deserved reading again and I'm glad I did. I get it now. I think the problem was (for me anyway) it switches from calls from Ava's perspective to calls from Dan's perspective and back again. The calls happen in different times, are not linear and all this is within one 'scene'.

Now that I get it, yeah I'm in. This one is going to win for sure. Great job writer.

Whoa. This one is ambitious. Won't lie, I had to read it a couple of times. Even then I got a little lost. If I'm understanding the story correctly, then I actually really like it. Pretty emotional stuff. This one will be a contender.

Wow. Tragic, horrific, raw. A little confusing at first, but as has been pointed out, it feels deliberately so to mirror her mental state.

I get why that call was made to her over the phone. The police are there because the child died, they're arresting him. That's not something that can be face to face, the only way he can be the one to tell her is like that. And that is the moment she keeps coming back to, hearing the genuine anguish from from him that presumably leads her to forgive him.

I agree that the call between Dan and his mom is out of place here, only because it is the only instance of a call that doesn't involve her.

Theo is a bit out of place in all this. I wondered if the title and the premise was going to foreshadow him dying due to her distraction. Instead he is just referenced once for flavour and never mentioned again.

It needs some firming up, and it might play better visually, but it works for the challenge. Great job. Now I wonder if there's a comedy I haven't read yet...

Good premise. I think, though, that there are too many voices and it becomes a little confusing. Unless this is supposed to reflect the confusion in Ava’s mind? A minor point, but I think Dan calling Mom is a separate conversation that falls outside the challenge’s parameters. As for Ava’s final line, calling Dan “honey,” well that’s a sure conversation starter.

Hi writer,

Unfortunately, the subject matter is just not my bag in terms of entertainment, this is just too horrific to digest, but your approach appears well thought out regarding the aftermath of such a tragic event. Had to do a double read a few times, not the whole thing, just a bit here and there to find my bearings, but other than that it's a solid entry in my book. Best of luck.

Teeny bit late, but, just want to thank everyone and explain a few of my choices.

I'd read some accounts of Forgotten Baby Syndrome aka Fatal Distraction a long time ago and they are truly harrowing, and sadly not uncommon. A sudden but simple change in routine (e.g. father taking child to creche instead of Mum, baby carseats being banned from the front seat of the car, operating on automatic pilot) can all contribute to this happening.

If anyone's interested, I found this article and used it as inspiration:

https://www.washingtonpost.com.....e35962a52_story.html

I also listened to Apple TVs Calls and wanted to replicate the nifty and chaotic way the calls and characters just dropped in and out and overlapped.

Quoted from Ant ...why is Ava even questioning testifying against Dan?

Because there was no intent. He had no clue the baby was still in the car. She loves her husband. She just lost her child. She faces losing two people she loves.

Explained here, if you're interested:

...when there's competition between the brain's "habit memory system" and its "prospective memory system" and the habit memory system takes over, Forgotten Baby Syndrome can occur.

https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/forgotten-baby-syndrome-parents-nightmare-hot-car-death/story?id=40431117#:~:text=Diamond%20explained%20that%20when%20there's,child%20is%20in%20one's%20car.

Quoted from Rob ...At first I was looking for a pattern in the calls. One caller branches off to the next one and so on. The lawyer connects with the mother and another person connects with her and so on down the line. In the end, it seems that that was not the case.

There is a pattern in my mind. Differing viewpoints were my objective so that Ava was feeling bombarded.  I wanted to show all sides of the scenario though, which also meant showing the character of Dan as victim of the circumstances that unfolded.

Quoted from Spqr A minor point, but I think Dan calling Mom is a separate conversation that falls outside the challenge’s parameters...

Actually Mom called Dan, but that might be my fault for it being ambiguous in the way it's written.
Oh, and multiple conversations between two characters, (not necessarily the same characters throughout) were allowed. Just saying...

Quoted from HyperMatt ... I would lose the call with Dan and his mother - it's the only part that is not Ava's POV and doesn't;t fit with the rest.

Like I said above, in my mind some sympathy needed to be directed towards Dan to tell the whole story and give breadth to Ava's dilemma. Dan has to live with what he's done which is punishment enough.

And yes, Ava does forgive him in the end. Surprisingly most spouses in this situation do.

Quoted from jayrex ...My one gripe is with the phone call where Dan tells Ava their daughter has died.  I believe this would be face-to-face.  It's fairly tacky and impersonal to do it by phone call.

I think Rene additionally summed up what I was going for here:

Quoted from Rene ... I get why that call was made to her over the phone. The police are there because the child died, they're arresting him. That's not something that can be face to face, the only way he can be the one to tell her is like that. And that is the moment she keeps coming back to, hearing the genuine anguish from from him that presumably leads her to forgive him.

Oh, and before that Dan has lost his mind and at that point is hysterical. He doesn't actually say who has died. He just says 'she'. Even though granted there's a strong suggestion, I think there's enough ambiguity about who has died.

Quoted from Rene Theo is a bit out of place in all this. I wondered if the title and the premise was going to foreshadow him dying due to her distraction. Instead he is just referenced once for flavour and never mentioned again.

I wanted to use the 'gleeful' cries of a child (overlapping SFX) e.g. his reaction to the cartoon playing in the b.g. in direct contrast to Ava's grief. Plus contrast the lawyer mentioning Theo (insensitively) as being such a comfort. Having one surviving child does not make up for the one who just died.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain a few of my choices.

This idea came to me last minute so I was pretty darned pleased with how it turned out.

And pretty darned pleased with the feedback and compliments, so thank guys, and gals.
You made my day.  

This was one of two scripts in this OWC that I marked as excellent and this was after I totally didn't get it on the first read! It just goes to show how someone who's reading a lot of scripts and rushing can totally not get a script, and this is the problem we face as writers trying to break into the industry. You never know the frame of mind of the script reader at the time they pick up your script.

I loved this, I think it would make a brilliant short audio drama. I thought it would win and I also thought Davie wrote it, lol, so shows how good I am at working out who wrote what!

I'm glad you are pleased with the feedback, Libby, this is a great piece of work.