Stay Awake Mary by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A quiet forest road. A lone woman picks-up a standard man... Good deeds are life rewarding even in the eye of death. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Barry, gave this a read.

A couple of typos stood out to me.

1) Deer - not dear.

2) It has to be hypothermia - not hyperthermia. Since you already established that it is snow-clad region, therefore, the temperature of a person will drop(as in hypo - meaning 'below normal') rather than rise(as in hyper - meaning 'above normal').

As of the story, these types of stories have been written plenty of times(as every other story's been). But regardless of that, it was a nice read with a decent writing.

Good luck.

Thank you for your read Yuvraj.
Deer, dear... Oh my dear how did I miss that via my trusty Grammarly deer/dear. Deary me!

All the best bud, and keep safe - keep well.  

A quiet forest road. A lone woman picks-up a standard man...

Standard or stranded?

Hi Barry

Random thought - I liked the font on the title page. I don't know why I felt the need to say this; Courier New gets old sometimes.

Another random thought - I, personally, would combine your opening scene description into one sentence, eg: "The lights from a vehicle illuminate a snowy road lined by pine trees". But I like economy.

Pg 1. "brocken" - broken

"He's shaking like a rattlesnake" - trembling, maybe? Shivering? A rattle snake rattles in a very particular way that I don't think you meant here.

pg 3 - "cocco" - coco/cocoa?

The deer has red eyes? Has it been drinking?

"Mary laying in a clearing. Her one leg broken." - the way this sentence is worded implied Mary only ever had one leg, and that one leg is broken.

Overall - this is fairly consistent in terms of mechanics and an easy enough read. I really appreciate you sharing it.

As  Yuvraj pointed out, it lacks some uniqueness that you really need to grab someone in eight pages but it's a fair effort. I liked a lot of the dialogue, in a kind of folksy way.

Barry.

I liked this story. It may be my favorite of your shorts.

You've already seen the typo issues mentioned above - it is still something that you have to work on as, for readers,  typos are the road bumps on the highway to immersion.  You know, you get into a story and then TYPO, You get out for a moment.

Glad to see you are using Grammarly.  That does help.  I know for me, I also make a list of words that I often misuse (e.g., your vs. you're, there, they're, their, to and too, etc) and always double-check for these since Grammarly doesn't always pick them up. Might be helpful for use to start making your own list.

Here is one of those examples.

Quoted Text EXT. FOREST - NIGHT (MOMENTS LATER) Mary laying in a clearing. Her one leg broken. Her face is covered in blood. Her eyes shutter open as she starts coming around. Mumbling...

lying - not laying. Although - I wouldn't use either since you can use something more descriptive - like Mary crumpled or collapsed.

Her one leg broken - means that she has one leg. One of her legs broken is what you mean here.

Shutter - or flutter?

So here is a point where I should be totally immersed, w here the grammar is taking me out (road bumps).

I think Jason should be VO rather than OS since he is not there.

I would consider not going with the Mommy character - Daddy is enough and it gets a little confusing with her thinking that Jason (male) is the Mommy (female) voice.  Daddy does the trick anyway.

Quoted Text MARY No, he was by my side, all the time. I saw him. His warm hands touching my... (BEAT) O, my dear God. Jason.

Don't cap your beats. I would also look for substitutes - normally action works. e.g.,

MARY
No, he was by my side, all the
time. I saw him. His warm hands
touching my...
(looks at her hand)
Oh, my dear God. Jason.

Anyway - nice imagination here - a good story, IMO.

Thank you all above - Eldave, good points you made that I'll fix.

Quoted from BarryJohn Thank you all above - Eldave, good points you made that I'll fix.

My pleasure

Hi all. Not this version, but the updated rewrite just made quarter-finals in the Nashville Screenwriters Competition. I'm confident it'll advance to the semi. This being the first and only script I've ever entered into a competition.

Congrats - knock em dead

Fingers crossed Barry!