the age of dinosaurs by ronen blumberg - Short, Drama, Horror - Professor Bill Wild tries to help his niece who is abused by her family while a a co-worker finds out he's most deepest horrible secret. 29 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hey, Ronen. Gave this a quick peek. Lots of mistakes, pretty much right from the start. Gonna assume that you are new to screenwriting. No shame. We all have to start somewhere.

I see that you have recently made a member account here on the boards. If you'd like, I'd be happy to help you with the basics.

Hope to see you around. This is a great community for aspiring screenwriters.

hello Zack...

thank you very much yes, I'm new to screenwriting and to screenwriting in English... this script was my first one ever originally written in Hebrew then recently I tried to translate it to English with just the word/google translator help and my poor English... I know this script is well... badly written and doesn't follow the strict format of the industry in America (in Israel there is hardly a cinema scene that I know of)... I'm open to any feedback... and I'm grateful to be here.

ron77.

Alright, knowing that English isn't your first language, I'm going to hold off on format advice, and instead advise that you learn proper grammatical structure. Let's take a look at your first line of prose:

A man and a woman lying naked between the sheets of a
double sized bed making love while the song "the end" by
Jim Morrison and the doors is played in voice over slowly
intensified more and more until the end of the song.

This is unsightly and makes for a painful read, not to mention you didn't properly introduce the characters(always introduce a new character in CAPS). I'd strongly suggest you read lots of professional screenplays and novels, so you can learn how to properly structure sentences. Once you get that down, then you can start to learn the basics of screenwriting format.

Very sorry if any of this comes across as condescending in any way. You should be very proud of yourself for writing a 30-page story. You clearly have a passion for writing and I believe you are in the right place to learn and grow. If you wanna get better, you have to read, read, read! And keep writing!

Hi Zack

It's alright. I take your feedback as a blessing, and I know your intention is good. I recently started to use an English language app called Grammarly that I hope in future scripts will help me structure my sentences properly in English. I'm trying to read as much as possible screenplays I find on the web in English, both on the forum and in other places.