Tommy by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A young graffiti artist decides to tag a war memorial and finds his lack of respect has surprising consequences. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

NICE...! very nice.

Thank you Barry!

This was the other 'spare' I wrote for the first round of the recent May Challenge.

The lingo is unfamiliar to me, but I understand the story. Funny little script. Well done.

I'm with Zack on this one.

Here:

Quoted Text Kalvin scurries up, monkey­like, quickly standing on the plinth, one arm around Tommy.

I got confused - had to go back to the top to realize Tommy was the statue. Obviously - if I kept reading I would have figured that out also.

So - I think it depends which side of the Atlantic you are on if you get this right away - Tommy means nothing in the States - obviously means a lot on the other side,

Nice story - I liked the commeupance.  I think you could add a little bit in terms of where the red paint lands - perhaps when Tommy is telling the dude that he died for his Country - he could pinpoint the wound area and have the red paint show up on the dude the same location as Tommy's wound.

Good job

Thanks Zack/Dave appreciate you having a look.

Didn't realise Tommy wasn't a term used outside of the UK (maybe Europe), will see if I can cover this a bit better for international readers.

And the idea re the wound, like that will look at that too.

Thanks again

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks Zack/Dave appreciate you having a look. Didn't realise Tommy wasn't a term used outside of the UK (maybe Europe), will see if I can cover this a bit better for international readers. And the idea re the wound, like that will look at that too. Thanks again

My pleasure

Nice read Anthony!

I'm American, born and bred, and so is my wife, but we primarily watch shows from the UK so I totally got the Tommy reference.  Nice little Twilight Zone type of script, but the one thing that sprung to my mind may have been just as irreverent as his impending tag.  When Tommy talked to him, all I could picture was Woody saying, "So play nice." to Sid!  

Thanks Damien and Steven for the recent reads, glad you liked!

Nice and short easy read. Very fitting given the time it was written too.

I second Dave’s idea for the paint representing where he was wounded. Maybe half of his face. And perhaps the paint comes back even after being wiped off… although that might be pushing it a bit.

Cheers

Max

This one misses for me. No sleight on your ability, but this one with a statue coming to life and painting the kid's face just leaves me cold. Your story is set up as a morality tale, possibly inspired by the tagging on a memorial actually happening in real life. Obviously, it would be better if the kid was punished for this somehow, maybe even teach other kids not to do it. However, for me, this story fails in that as it's too simplistic and convenient.