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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  New Beginnings
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Don
Posted: December 12th, 2021, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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New Beginnings by Surina Nel - Short, Drama - {no logline} 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JakeJon
Posted: December 13th, 2021, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Surina,
My "guy" opinion only:  Your sentiment and passion are clearly revealed in this work.  The reason the two ladies bond is clear as well.  BUT the entire story takes place in one location and all of the important "background" information is delivered through dialogue.  I'm not a fan of flashbacks, but one or two might work better.  Also, not certain you needed, the present day rape, in the laundromat.  Her present life (other than Adam) is dark and gloomy but I thought a second rape was a little much.  The old man's reaction to the overt breast feeding; yeah some men can be jerks.
The picture of her mother and sister are important to her?  Why? Her mom ignored her dilemma and we know nothing about her relationship with her sister, other than she's younger. (a little more subtext maybe)  AND, Rosanne deals with her very sad misfortune and loneliness  by hanging out at a laundromat?
All that being, offered, they're bond is quite poignant; the reason for the bond well thought out.  Your ending is quite satisfying.  Nicely done.
A couple of "mini fixes" :  You need a  FADE-IN  and a  FADE-OUT.  Also, page 1,  scratches should be searches.


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