SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  A Hollow Victory - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Hollow Victory - OWC  (currently 866 views)
steven8
Posted: May 23rd, 2022, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22
Thanks for posting this Don.  Okay, I've made one more small set of revisions.  I decided to add in the voice of the Governor.  I didn't inundate it with him, but I feel it gives more context to the situation.


...in no particular order
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 21
D.A.Banaszak
Posted: February 27th, 2023, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Northeast, kind of.
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.45
There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more.

I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for.  I learned something new. Thank you.

To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen’s description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams “This is what Goodwill throws out.”

One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor’s hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit.  She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared.

Just an idea. I’m trying to be helpful but I can’t think of anything better.

The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence.  It is a dialog line spoken by Joan:  “My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this.”  I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
D.A.Banaszak  -  February 27th, 2023, 9:28pm
spelling error
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 21
steven8
Posted: February 28th, 2023, 1:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
There's not much to say that hasn't already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more.

I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for.  I learned something new. Thank you.

To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen's description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams "This is what Goodwill throws out."

One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor's hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit.  She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared.

Just an idea. I'm trying to be helpful but I can't think of anything better.

The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence.  It is a dialog line spoken by Joan:  "My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this."  I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.


Thanks a bunch for reading and giving me your thoughts.  I'm glad you like the character intros.  I feel I'm finally getting the hang of it.  "This is what Goodwill throws out." - Hilarious!  

I have to admit you paint a very funny picture of Joan and Owen having a tug-of-war with the bag.  That may work very good.  I don't like the idea of the hand and voice from the hole.  Not sure about that kind of reveal.  Have to think about that.

'I think there is a verb missing.' - Nope.  No verb missing.  If you realized she meant the dad died, my job is done.  

I'm curious about something, I've uploaded a new version of this just recently, with a bridge scene added at the end, and Don hasn't notified me it was posted.  The version I keep getting in the download doesn't have it.  I've even deleted my cookies and re-downloaded.  Same old version.  Can you please copy and paste the bridge scene from your copy into this thread?


...in no particular order

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
steven8  -  February 28th, 2023, 2:32am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 21
D.A.Banaszak
Posted: February 28th, 2023, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Northeast, kind of.
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.45
I see your point about not liking the hand and voice. The change would be like James Cameron rewriting Titanic so that the boat doesn't sink.

Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download.

EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT
Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a
stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp.
She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of
coins in her hand.
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Gold coins, my ass!
Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door...
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Governer, my ass!
...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and...
JOAN
Well, the Governer can shove his
coins right up his ass!
...heaves them over the side.
FREEZE ON: THE THROW
SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins.
Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as
we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded,
and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw
them in a river."
FADE TO BLACK
OVER BLACK:
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
I deserve another the chance. The
son could be reasoned with, but the
mother was like a woman possessed!
SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to
losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme
Leader of Agartha."
12.
INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT
An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on
screen.
A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and
presses the enter key.
The screen fades to black before the results are displayed.
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
Google it.
THE END


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 21
steven8
Posted: March 1st, 2023, 1:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I see your point about not liking the hand and voice. The change would be like James Cameron rewriting Titanic so that the boat doesn't sink.


A perfect analogy if ever I heard one!  


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download.

EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT
Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a
stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp.
She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of
coins in her hand.
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Gold coins, my ass!
Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door...
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Governer, my ass!
...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and...
JOAN
Well, the Governer can shove his
coins right up his ass!
...heaves them over the side.
FREEZE ON: THE THROW
SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins.
Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as
we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded,
and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw
them in a river."
FADE TO BLACK
OVER BLACK:
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
I deserve another the chance. The
son could be reasoned with, but the
mother was like a woman possessed!
SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to
losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme
Leader of Agartha."
12.
INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT
An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on
screen.
A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and
presses the enter key.
The screen fades to black before the results are displayed.
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
Google it.
THE END


That's my new scene all right.  I just can't understand why I keep getting the old version.  Cookie / refresh/ log in and out.  Same old version.  I also had fun and found a monospaced font based on a Remington typewriter.  I love old scripts typed on a real typewriter, so I'm changing all my scripts to that.  I'll keep trying the download.  Maye a different browser...

P.S. - I also cleared my stored data on my computer and I still get the old version.  Weird!


...in no particular order

Revision History (1 edits)
steven8  -  March 1st, 2023, 4:29am
Tried something new to get the new version...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 21
D.A.Banaszak
Posted: March 1st, 2023, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Northeast, kind of.
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.45
I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps.

The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 21
steven8
Posted: March 1st, 2023, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps.

The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.


Thanks so much for the offer.  I'm set up to open the file automagically upon download, so it always opens that exact file.  I got the correct version by downloading it on a different computer. However (of course) tonight I downloaded it on this computer and got the right version.  Problem solved!!


...in no particular order
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 21
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006