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Thanks for posting this Don. Okay, I've made one more small set of revisions. I decided to add in the voice of the Governor. I didn't inundate it with him, but I feel it gives more context to the situation.
There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more.
I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for. I learned something new. Thank you.
To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen’s description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams “This is what Goodwill throws out.”
One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor’s hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit. She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared.
Just an idea. I’m trying to be helpful but I can’t think of anything better.
The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence. It is a dialog line spoken by Joan: “My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this.” I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.
There's not much to say that hasn't already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more.
I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for. I learned something new. Thank you.
To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen's description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams "This is what Goodwill throws out."
One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor's hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit. She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared.
Just an idea. I'm trying to be helpful but I can't think of anything better.
The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence. It is a dialog line spoken by Joan: "My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this." I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.
Thanks a bunch for reading and giving me your thoughts. I'm glad you like the character intros. I feel I'm finally getting the hang of it. "This is what Goodwill throws out." - Hilarious!
I have to admit you paint a very funny picture of Joan and Owen having a tug-of-war with the bag. That may work very good. I don't like the idea of the hand and voice from the hole. Not sure about that kind of reveal. Have to think about that.
'I think there is a verb missing.' - Nope. No verb missing. If you realized she meant the dad died, my job is done.
I'm curious about something, I've uploaded a new version of this just recently, with a bridge scene added at the end, and Don hasn't notified me it was posted. The version I keep getting in the download doesn't have it. I've even deleted my cookies and re-downloaded. Same old version. Can you please copy and paste the bridge scene from your copy into this thread?
I see your point about not liking the hand and voice. The change would be like James Cameron rewriting Titanic so that the boat doesn't sink.
Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download.
EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp. She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of coins in her hand. JOAN (muttering angrily) Gold coins, my ass! Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door... JOAN (muttering angrily) Governer, my ass! ...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and... JOAN Well, the Governer can shove his coins right up his ass! ...heaves them over the side. FREEZE ON: THE THROW SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins. Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded, and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw them in a river." FADE TO BLACK OVER BLACK: GOVERNOR (V.O.) I deserve another the chance. The son could be reasoned with, but the mother was like a woman possessed! SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme Leader of Agartha." 12. INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on screen. A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and presses the enter key. The screen fades to black before the results are displayed. GOVERNOR (V.O.) Google it. THE END
Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download.
EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp. She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of coins in her hand. JOAN (muttering angrily) Gold coins, my ass! Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door... JOAN (muttering angrily) Governer, my ass! ...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and... JOAN Well, the Governer can shove his coins right up his ass! ...heaves them over the side. FREEZE ON: THE THROW SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins. Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded, and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw them in a river." FADE TO BLACK OVER BLACK: GOVERNOR (V.O.) I deserve another the chance. The son could be reasoned with, but the mother was like a woman possessed! SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme Leader of Agartha." 12. INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on screen. A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and presses the enter key. The screen fades to black before the results are displayed. GOVERNOR (V.O.) Google it. THE END
That's my new scene all right. I just can't understand why I keep getting the old version. Cookie / refresh/ log in and out. Same old version. I also had fun and found a monospaced font based on a Remington typewriter. I love old scripts typed on a real typewriter, so I'm changing all my scripts to that. I'll keep trying the download. Maye a different browser...
P.S. - I also cleared my stored data on my computer and I still get the old version. Weird!
I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps.
The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.
I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps.
The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.
Thanks so much for the offer. I'm set up to open the file automagically upon download, so it always opens that exact file. I got the correct version by downloading it on a different computer. However (of course) tonight I downloaded it on this computer and got the right version. Problem solved!!