coffee and andwiches :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

This was a rather rough read. I’ll explain further down.  First, I want to point out that it’s hard to get me to laugh. That said, you made me laugh. Actually, Maria Burgundy did. I think I have a crush on her. I liked her question, “So when was the first time you saw blood?”, and I loved her response to drinking foul coffee. I love her refreshing yet brutal honesty. She does not hold back on any of her opinions. When she wants a sandwich, it is not a secret or a mystery.

Out of the three stories you posted this week, this one was the best. “The Shelve” had an ending that was little hard to understand. “Realization” made me think of my lost wallet.

“Coffee and Sandwiches” was odd yet hysterical. The characters were quirky in a way that made them seem genuine like I could know them. However, there are a lot of problems with your writing that you need to work on.

I know you only wrote extremely short shorts but they need a title page. It has the title of the story, your name and contact information. You should get in the habit of creating them.

Your first line should be “FADE IN”. The title page and FADE IN are mere formalities but they are the equivalent of wearing a tie to a job interview. Your script needs to look professional to be taken seriously.

The same goes to proofreading.  All of your scripts are full of typos, missing punctuation and missing capitalizations. A few quick read- throughs would have found most of them. It is worth it to put in the time. Typos are like showing up for a job interview wearing pajamas covered with freshly used cat litter. Readers will avoid your scripts.

Mr. Stone has made my point for me perfectly. Something as little as a badly worded slug line can end of the reading session right there. In addition to being roughly worded, there is a typo in it. It's "standing in front of Tim Hortons", not if.

That said, his example is spot on. Writing a good slug line is a learned art. It can take some time to get it down. My secret is to keep it bare bones minimum.  If I have to, I embellish it in the action text that follows.

You don’t need to number your scenes. This is a spec script, not a shooting script. It’s the same with scene transitions and camera directions. Unless it’s important to the story, it’s best to leave them out and leave it for the director and editor to sort out. They will make a lot more money in the project than you will. Make them earn it.

You need to write every character and extra in ALL CAPS when they are introduced in a story. A short description should accompany the character as part of the introduction. The description should at least include their age (in parentheses ). A short description of their appearance is nice but not always necessary. Their apearance is how you describe their personality or their life: Sharply dressed in an expensive suit=wealthy businessman, ragged, stained flannel shirt and jeans=homeless.

You should avoid verbs that end with “ing” in your action text. It’s okay in dialog. Also, sometimes it’s better to break up sentences into shorter, more clear pieces. For example, your first line should read:

“MARIA BURGANDY (24), small frame, big teeth, holds a microphone. She waits for instruction to begin her report.”

I think you can see that what you are trying to say flows more quickly.

After her introduction in the story, she is not written in all caps anymore; just the first letters of her first and last name. She is only written in all caps when she is speaking (in dialog).

The best way to learn is to read as many of the scripts that are posted here as you can. Mimic them but don’t steal their ideas.

I hope you find my advice useful. I think you are off to a decent creative start.