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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Family Scripts  ›  Frecklebug - WT
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  Author    Frecklebug - WT  (currently 2894 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Frecklebug by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Family, Children's Fantasy - A father reassures his daughter about her freckles, neither of them realising the magical nature of their creation. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 20th, 2018, 9:42pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Lighthearted and fun. Weird alien bug. I'll take it!


That rug really tied the room together.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Nice premise, think the bug needs more to bring it life.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This could easily go horror with little effort. It's sweet but makes my skin crawl too. What is that bug doing to leave that mark?!

Nice story. Simple and effective.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Not usually my thing a cutesy story, but I thought it was quite good for a one pager. Especially the end, sense of magic, reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth.


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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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What's BG stand for?

So is this a fantasy world where this is normal, or a fantastical occurrence in the real world?

Hard to give it what it need in one page.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ScottM
What's BG stand for?


I think it stands for background?

Cute story, though I feel like nothing much happened. Granted, it's one page but I feel like you could've done a little more with this. Reduce the dialogue and include more action. Maybe have the girl wake up in the middle of the night and see the bug before it flies off, and then she says "Special..." and falls back asleep. I dunno. It felt like there was more to this!
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Is a Frecklebug part of children's lore? Or did you invent it? If so, props to you, Dad, (if you are one).

A lot of people here seem to think a script is lacking if it doesn't have a twist. I don't agree. This one accomplishes exactly what it set out to do.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Frecklebug

Nice little children tale… What else there is to say? This could work at the right place-
4



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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Cute little story. Not a whole lot to it, but enjoyable regardless.

Another one with no fade in or out that would have exceeded the page count.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like a screenplay needs a transition in and a transition out, even if it is one page.

I'd be interested to know if the writers of the no fade in/out scripts generally don’t include them.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  April 3rd, 2018, 11:20pm
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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story overall. There's some things in the dialogue that stuck out for me. Mostly your use of the word "but" through a series of exchanges. I'm guilty of using "well" a lot when I write dialogue so I know the pain.

Just thought I'd give you a heads up on that but you might want to ask someone else for their opinion.  It might be a personal nit of mine and nothing more :p
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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written.  Crisp and clean. The story is a small one - but those are the types I enjoy. Good job


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CameronD
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Decent


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
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jayrex
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's like the fairy tooth mother but for freckles.  I thought it strange the girl would quietly cry and say she thinks she likes the frecklebug.  Not unless it's cries of joy?  It just doesn't go together for me.


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ajr
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed it. Cute and heartwarming.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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LC
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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Okay, you all don't find the Frecklebug a bit creepy, masquerading as sweet?

Marks for pure originality, but on film this would be... downright creepy!


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DanC
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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There is such a fine line between cute, creepy, comedy, horror, etc.

This is such a story.  It was written to be cute, but it could be horror if expanded upon.

Solid 4.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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SAC
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I like this one, too. Another story that seems there should be more to it. However, pretty decent as it is.

Steve


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FrankM
Posted: April 25th, 2018, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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I like the expanded version, but we still don't see the Frecklebug's purpose. Is it gathering some kind of energy from kids to power Some Necessary Thing, or maybe just defending her against bad dreams and it gets hungry while there, or something else entirely?

When something Mysterious is revealed at the very end of a story without any explanation of its purpose of what happens next, it just leaves a sinister vibe, and I don't think that was the effect you intended.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

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"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Frecklebug has been optioned to be produced as an animated short.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Double congrats, Anthony.


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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ditto from me. Thought you'd been quiet lately, Anthony, but obviously still the quiet achiever even when AWOL. Congrats! Looking forward to seeing the animation.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Warren/Libby

Busy family summer Libby, so been in lurker mode


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LiamX
Posted: October 3rd, 2019, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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I wish there was more to this, theres so much more you can do with this. Im struggling with dialouge myself and didnt feel the dialouge was great in this, could be a very good story, just needs a bit more.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 3rd, 2019, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Liam, this was done for a One Week challenge on here, requirement was for 1 page story... so this version is expanded a little


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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