Sloshbuckler by A Member - Short, Horror - A young woman is forced into a fight for her life with an unexpected intruder. 6 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - doc, format

This one was pretty cool. My only real bad mark was that it was more of a comedy than a horror in my opinion, but nevertheless, pretty good stuff. The shooting and milk pouring out I thought was awesome. The swiss cheese door, and of course him animating out of the milk were cool too.

Well...

SPOILERS...

That was surreal. It was kinda neat I suppose and pretty inventive but I wasn't, you know, enthralled in it. I loved the 'bucklers dialogue, the way it flowed and the way I imagined him saying it. It was a little to easy though. Samantha didn't seem real to me... seeing a guy appear from a carton of milk and, indeed, from milk itself would make me either faint, be extremely terrified or, I don't know, I guess I might just stand there and watch.

It was very creative though. I haven't read anything like it and it was well written I think. I liked this one overall. Being that this is the first OWC scipt I've read, I can immediately tell that this challenge is gonna be weird.

Jamie

The dialogue in this script was the most stand out feature. That was done very well, but this script was just a bunch of cliche situations. maybe that was the point?

Either way a good, well formatted read.

This one had a creative premise.  Very orginal - sort of a take off on the genie in the bottle thing.  I'm not sure though that the execution was at the same level.  This felt kind of rushed, which I guess makes sence with this sort of exercise, but still I feel it needs to be pointed out.  As a first draft this has potential.  Not very scary but we are casting a pretty wide net here with this horror genre.  A parody like this has merit.

My only suggestion, other than streamlining some of your descriptions, would be to flesh out your protagonist a little better.  Really we know virtually nothing about her.  If we knew something about her character then we could see any growth that she undergoes.  Also, just my opinion, but the villian should be more menacing.  Nice ending though.  That was a good payoff.

I loved the Swashbuckler's dialogue. That was probably the thing that stood out most for me. The rest of the dialogue was fantastic also. I really thought Samantha was a real goner toward the end, but when the police shot the SB, and the milk came out of his wounds, I thought was well done. It started out cliché, with the rain and the thunder and the girl teenager. But did the Swashbuckler come from the milk puddle or did she release his spirit or something? Or did I miss something?

Oh well, it was fun!

Sean

P.S. Jordan I love your avatar. 'Alien' is one of the best movies.

Slosh, slosh...I miss more thing about Samantha...

It seemed like as part of a dream, inside a complet story, like this: after her mom scolded at her, because she wont to drink milk, Samantha dreamed that she waked up, went to the kitchen, took a carton of milk from the fridge and so on...blah, blah and waked up frightened.

Anyway, nice job!

BTW, don't ask me who wrote this because I'll never discover who did that

This concept is quite original but its execution falls a little bit short. A little more explanation about the Swashbuckler (his motivations, his backstory) wouldn’t hurt. Right now the plot seems a little bit incomplete. Loved his dialogue tough; as other readers have mentioned, this was one of the strengths of this script.

You could work a little bit more on the horror department; the horror scene you’ve got seems mainly like a typical slasher scene, and I think that the Swashbuckler could give us more than that (like when he appears solidifying from spilled milk).

Some descriptions could be tightened, as mjg mentioned before me. Just an example:

“SAMANTHA, a young girl, about 18, enters INTO FRAME and proceeds to open the refrigerator door.”

Could be:

“SAMANTHA ( 18 ) enters  and opens the refrigerator door.”

And use V.O. for phone conversations, not O.S.

I believe that with a little more time and work, this premise (which is a good one) could fully show its potential.

Hey.

I think the absurdity of this script, a zorro pirate assasin with a long sword materializing from a spilled milk carton trying to steal a teenagers heart, were directly contrasted by the kind of creepy slasherness, the 'buckler cutting the phone lines, breaking through the door, and the girl climbing out the window.  I haven't decided if this is a good contrast yet, but when i do I'll let you know.

But in any case that uncertainty shouldnt be there, so its probably bad.   In that case I think you should steer this more towards the absurd, you seem to have a stronger build there, but in order to do that you would need to steer away from the contests genre....

Anyway, it was amusing, so thanks.

-Tyler

I was awaiting The Sloshbuckler to come out with a number of words beginning with V lmao. The overall character of The Sloshbuckler, with his englishness, reminded me of V for Vendetta. The thing about the script though was that i actually liked The Sloshbuckler but hated the main character who was trying to escape.

It was like a bad mask of Zorro, with a little V for Vendetta amalgamated plus a bit of Scream (which i didn't like). I wanted The Sloshbuckler to do things more classier which would suit his overall character, than just chasing her around the place.

I liked some of the dialogue, but certain errors - which didn't really do any harm - need changed. For example when she's on the phone, (VO)

                                                     Was not bad though.
                                                     With some polishing could be a lot better.
                                                                         Robert.

SPOILERS

I was wondering if anyone would write a script about the missing person on the carton, but this went one step further than what I expected.
I really liked the ending of this one, but after reading it I was left with two questions.

How did he get into the milk in the first place?
And
Why did he need a heart?

Cindy


  

****SPOILERS*****

Interesting.

P1 - INTO FRAME - This direction is completely unnecessary and only pulls the reader out of the story.

Do they put missing adults on milk cartons? I thought they only put children on them.

“Horrified” or a similar word in meaning might be a better description of Samantha than “understanding the gravity of the situation.” When your mortgage payment is late, you “understand the gravity of the situation.” When a man forms out of milk and tells you he’s going to cut out your heart, you’re “horrified.”

P2 - cut my heart out of my chest - is the “of my chest” necessary? Where else would he cut the heart out of?

The first thing a 911 dispatcher asks is your name. They can usually find your address with that information and simply verify it. Not that giving the address is not feasible but they would definitely ask your name first.

Why does a swashbuckler automatically know where the phone line junction box is? Wouldn’t this technology be foreign to him?

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be in the middle of a high action scene like a swashbuckler trying to break through a door and stop so he can sharpen his sword. No one is going to want to watch him sharpen his sword. That would be like Stormtroopers stopping for a cigarette break in the middle of penetrating the door to Princess Leia’s ship.

How would we know Samantha’s leg is broken? One scene she’s running. The next she’s crawling. We hear it but we need to see it here, I think.

The question of why the man is on the milk carton is never answered. Since modern milk cartons didn’t exist in his era, it would be interesting to learn how they became connected.

You get some points for creativity, though. A swashbuckler who forms out of milk is certainly new. The “chase a teenage girl through the house” is perhaps a bit of a beaten path and I can’t see pantaloons replacing the chalky Michael Meyers mask but swords and swashbucklers are welcome in darn near anything. So good idea there.

Brea

okay... this one i really liked. It was so creative. Milk flying out of holes in the body like holes in a milk can. I could visualize it. Great job!

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

I agree with just about all the comments made so far.  One thing, though...to the best of my knowledge, they no longer put missing children or anyone else on milk cartons, so this would have to take place in a time that they did.

The villain dies way too easily.  I'd like to see a scarier hunt of cat and mouse.  Plus, like others, I want to know how in the heck did a swashbuckler get involved with being trapped inside milk?  A curse by a his dying milk maid lover after he attacked her in a jealous rage or what?

The concept is very original, I liked the touches of humor, especially "lactose prison" although I wonder how a swashbuckler would know what lactose is

Great idea, just needs some more thought, background, detail on the execution.

Some valid criticisms have been made, but the premise is definitely original.