This would have been scarier if the Swashbuckler's comments weren't so funny. It was incredibly difficult to take him seriously because of not only what he said but when he said it. The idea here was okay, and it played out simply and logically, but it fell off the horror wagon every time he opened his mouth.

In addition, you had one confusing point where Samantha is on the roof, and then after a cut to another scene and back, she's on the ground with a broken leg. We don't need to hear the crack, but you could have at least shown the fall from the roof before the cut away.

So not the worst script ever, but it could use a little work.

what's it say about a story when the most interesting part is the bad guys dialogue?  

Oh well....

Nice visuals with the guy coming out of the milk carton, as well as his "dissolving" at the end.

Weird story that seemed to go more for jokes than horror.

But Pantaloons rule!  

Yeah, I liked this actually, but I think perhaps more than I would if I weren't reading it in the middle of a bunch of other shorts.  As a stand alone work, it doesn't have any character motivation or arc, so it's not really that interesting.

Buckler's dialogue was superb and the tone was great though.  Reminded me of John de Lancie's "Q" of Star Trek: TNG in a way.

I'm here.  Sorry for the delay in responding.  Car trouble ate up most of the weekend.

I'll try to reply to everyone's comments, but it appears everyone has Halloween Costume aliases today.   I'm going to go with all original alias names.

I believe the first is from sryknows.  Yeah it does play kind of like a comedy.  I have to admit, I was disappointed at the genre as I know absolutely nothing about horror movies.  I don't watch them and wouldn't know what the elements of a good one are.  But I wanted to participate and get some feedback on writing style at least.

Jamie, Very valid point on what Samantha's reaction would be.  I just decided to go with interrogation.

Ape, I don't think the cliche situations were the point.  I was simply trying to build tension and desperation.  I am not well versed in horror devices at all.

Jordan, I wasn't outright trying to parody a horror film, but I did want my choice of antagonist to border on the absurd.  I guess its another manifestation of my perception of horror scenarios.

mgj, Yes this was certainly rushed in a way.  I kind of free-form wrote it.  I didn't do a scene outline like I've done and am doing on my other projects.  I've been told that in my other short I could use some more back story for my protagonists.  I'll have to work on that.

Sean, What I was going for with the Swashbuckler coming out of the milk puddle would be similar to the scene in Terminator 2 when the Evil Terminator is blasted into a million little drops that come back together and re-form him from the feet up.  It is actually him as opposed to a spirit.  As I think about it, I'm not sure he couldn't just form while in the carton.  I guess that wouldn't be any fun.  

Mr. Z, Thanks for hitting again on backstory.  Also, I will change those improper formatting errors.

Robert, Someone else said that this reminded them of V for Vendetta.   Amazingly, I've never seen that, so it wasn't an influence.  Never saw Scream or Mask of Zorro either.

Cindy,  I guess those things weren't addressed well.  Thanks for the questions, they are important things to consider.

Brea, Thanks for all the very valid points.  Understanding the gravity of the situation is probably a little too wordy and doesn't get the real point across.  I agree that it wouldn't hurt to have a falling off the wet roof scene.  Thanks.

Spencer, glad you liked it!

Donna, I suppose this story could take place any time that had phones and missing people on milk cartons.  If I had more time, I would probably add at least one more incident of near death and evading capture like you said.

Wesley, Glad you thought his comments were funny.  Unfortunately that would side of make the film not scary.  I guess I was going for arrogance and got ridiculous.

Heretic, You are right about story arc.  What are the real consequences?  Samantha doesn't really develop in any way.  Interesting comparison to Q.  The smugness I would say is inherent in the swashbuckler as well.

Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.  I hope that I read by chance some or all of your submissions when I was reading and reviewing the others.

Quoted from rjw8625 Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

Someone thought it was that amazing writer Tyler "Higgonaitor" Higgins, but they were all wrong.

BTW, I laughed so hard at this story, milk shot out of my nose! Zing!

Quoted from rjw8625 Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

That was me.  And I wasn't.  I thought it was Monette -- mainly because of some idiosyncrasies in the dialogue -- that, and the whole "pirate" thing in general.

Quoted from rjw8625 I'm here.  Sorry for the delay in responding.

I deleted my comments because I didn't recognize the name -- and I've even read "Can Grab" haha.

Sorry, man.  Few things bug me more than people who play in the OWE and don't read stories.

If I recall, I said I liked this one because it was unique amongst these stories, but that your female hero came to grips with all the weirdness going on in her kitchen far too quickly.

I felt she should have spent a little more time conversing with the Swashbuckler character near the beginning of the story -- as he was actually a likable character with good dialogue.

Nice job on this one, and sorry about the delete!  My bad.....but now you have a fresh, new post haha.

Hey Bob don't need to say thank you for my comments, dude!

Funny story (maybe too funny) and that's the main problem. Sorry, but IMHO the horror wasn't present here. I won't repeat everyone comments, but I found myself a bit unsatisfied at the end. As DJ pointed out, the villain dies too easily. You could make him die as you wrote and the milk is pouring the house sewer hole. Then, down the sewers system, we could hear the Sloshbuckler's laugh or something like that. Anyway, it's well written and agreeable to read.

Michel

Bert,

Thanks for reposting.  I have a pretty generic name...
I guess its not a good thing for a supposed horror film if the villain is more likeable than the protagonist.  I was going for more of the typical swashbuckler arrogance.  I also was in too much of a hurry to get to the tension build as evidenced by all the comments either lamenting lack of backstory or lack of adequate reaction by Samantha.

Helio,

MOVED to The Cab's Tale.

-Roberto

I just read through this thread and was surprised that I had not posted anything. This was the third script I read of all the OWE scripts. The title lured me right away.

If I still remember correctly I thought this one was pretty good. It wasn't scary, but I thought the idea of a "swashbuckler" appearing out of the milk was definitely unique and I loved his dialogue.

I also remember being surprised and reading over twice, the part where the girl breaks her arm (or leg, don't remember now). It just happened without you letting the reader now about it.

Sorry I didn't post until now, I honestly thought I had.

Good job!

Pia

This script needed some sort of explanation.  The title character just shows up out of the milk and we're expected to accept that?  Characterization was good, however.


Phil