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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  Dairy Screamer
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  Author    Dairy Screamer  (currently 4181 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dairy Screamer by A Member - Short, Horror - A milkman who's used to love women has to deal with a different kind of pussy. 13 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  October 21st, 2006, 12:51pm
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bert
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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The link to this one was screwed up -- in case anybody tried to read it and failed.

It is working now.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was eerie, but kind of humorous at the same time. I always find animal horror movies fascinating due to the fact that they can be really cheesy most of the times. Let's take Cujo for example, or Bats. This one, the main character is being attacked by cats and inside, I was giggling. But then I found the seriousness inside the script and saw how furoucious these cats really were, and I can tell you, being eaten alive by cats is one way I would not like to die. I can't even imagine how painful that would be...

Wow this one was really good, but started out kind of confusing at first. But I did enjoy it, the dialogue was nice, and I liked the ending dialogue. I really thought Al was going to make it out alive, but the ending told us everything.

Sean
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tomson
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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I had said I was going to read all of the entries and I hate to not follow a promise so I read this one. If I had not made that promise I would not have read this. It wouldn’t have been because of the story, but rather the logline.

I know in the UK for example p***y often refers to cats, but here in the US it pretty much only has one meaning and it has nothing to do with felines. The story itself was quite benign so I feel that you might miss out on a few reads here just because of the logline.

This was pretty well written, descriptions, dialogue, story and everything else, but like I said, it was fairly benign.

You start out with a lot of talk about women and having secret affairs with them, but it doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come back into play at all later on in the story. It’s like the first part is about women and the second part about psycho cats.

The writing was good, I just felt the story could be kicked up a few notches, good idea, just sharpen it a bit and change the logline.


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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This story had good descriptions, and it the first narrated story  read so it was a bit different, but it was pretty boring. I felt like there was no rush or pacing during the story, even with the whole cat chase.

A good read but not a great read.


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Seth
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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The best part of this script is the writing. Overall, it is tight. Even impressive. That said, there are a few descriptive lines, poorly written ones, that, given the overall quality of writing, really stand out.

For example: "Then, as if anything had never happened..."

The story, itself, didn't grab me.

Seth


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Stranger Than Yesterday
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And Sweetie XD


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Steve-Dave
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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A little tedious, but I thought this was really really good. It surprised me 'cuz I didn't know quite what to expect but I thought it was a great story. You didn't really know what was going to happen next, and it was very unique and original and had a good voic in it.

Some of the dialogue I thought didn't really work for me. Like "They couldn't resist calling me Al" and "like jabba the hut only you could understand him", and a few others just kinda left me scratching my head. But aside from that, the mood and the story was great. Good job.


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"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
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wonkavite
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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WITH SPOILERS

Aw, man...you have a great story here - I laughed in several places ("Screw you, you degenerate mouse eaters!)...but you've got to get a better ending!  This is too much of a cheat ending...especially given the rest of the story, which runs along at such an entertaining pace!

One smaller complaint:

This is obviously has a fifties type of setting (who has milk delivered these days?) - so it's rather jarring to have him refer to Casper as "like Jabba the Hutt".  Wrong decade.

Still, I really enjoyed it.  Even though I could guess that the old lady was dead rather early on...and killer cats aren't all that unique.  But it still worked, and I loved the happy go lucky, sunshiny milkman character.  Really fun.  And yes, the logline works.  Just, get a better twist at the end (preferably tying in his "tom catting ways."
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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

These were supposed to remain anonymous, so posting your name on the title page (unless I am missing a clever pun or something) was not a good idea.

But it was a good script Walt.  Nice litlle ending line, but watch out for all those typos.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

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spencerforhire
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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I give this story 1 and a half thumbs up out of two.

I do agree with Pia that the beginning did not really tie into the last two thirds or so. Maybe you werent sure where to go. It happens. It happens to me all the time.

Now... Here is one thing I found that didn't jive.

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Al’s truck slowly drives through foggy streets.

AL (V.O.)
The morning was dark, cold, and
foggy.

Well, if the character is going to tell us it is foggy, then your point in the action is redundant.  Try to rearrange so that you are not duplicating action and dialogue.

Overall "Most Excellent!"

Spencer "For  Hire" McDonald


I got nothing.  
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Helio
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Pia the loglinhe was the best hook to get my attention!

Very nice work here. Al was good builded character for me, inspite of no more details about his past. Al VO set very well during all stcript.

Not much more to say... just you did your homework very well for this challenge, dude!
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greg
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This is a good story, but it didn't flow well at all.  It just kind of lagged on until the final scene.

Unless this story takes place in the UK(which Pia referenced to), using Jabba the Hut in the days of American milkmen is unheard of.  Do they even have milkmen in the UK?  I don't know, but there's a little time issue here.

The corpse description was cool, and the final line was a snappy way to end it with a bang.  So like I said, it's a good story, but kind of tedious to read.


Be excellent to each other
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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That logline's gotta go. Really.

The story has good suspense, plenty of creepiness. It's the scariest one I've read yet. Wish he could have taken down a few of those hideous cats.

Not an original ending, yet it worked here. I was surprised. Had thought he'd get out the door. Good work!
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RobertSpence
Posted: October 25th, 2006, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson
know in the UK for example p***y often refers to cats, but here in the US it pretty much only has one meaning and it has nothing to do with felines


Lol it has the exact  same meaning in the UK, this actually tied me in lolol.

The story to me seemed all too unrealistic. For example there are a few aspects. If a milkman had just entered my home - me being alive here - i would whip his ass. Why would he just enter the home?

If i was a milk man and a person owed 236 dollars, i would have simply stopped delivering the milk long ago, and i'm sure anyone would. This seems all too obvious, and too convenient that all this takes place, when all this means is Al will finally stumble across all of the cats etc.

Page 4 "In a such place" Should be, In such a place. Just a little typo.


INT - LARGE OLD HOUSE NIGHT. if he enters the kitchen, kitchen should be stated on this heading also. Page 6.

Again page 6. He says he feels a spooky presence. Make that obvious through action. If a horror element is trying to be conveyed, then if some one is talking all of the time in a voice over, it is not scary because there is no silence or tension. This happens so many times i eventually just quoted this one.

Ending too cliche. Also the boss is called Casper..Is this some sort of clue that ghosts will be invloved in the story or that the boss is as white as a ghost? Or just a silly name..

Overall quite unrealistic, and i wasnt really pulled in. Why did you put your name on the script?? The format was good though.
                                                       Robert.


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https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


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Mr.Z
Posted: October 26th, 2006, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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It has horror. It has milk. And “milk” has a fairly relevant part to play in the story. That alone make this one to stand out among those that didn’t stick to the exercise’s theme and genre.

The first pages of a script usually establishes the mood and genre of the story. Considering this is an horror short, the friendly V.O. that opens the script, Al’s dream job, his happy whistling, his jokes about women, etc, don’t help you to establish the mood you should be heading for. You need a darker opening.

And all the elements mentioned before don’t have a relevant part to play in the outcome of the story (as Pia already mentioned) so I suggest you to loose them and open the script with Al already heading for Mrs. Shuey’s house.

On P.1 you’ve got a sentence of Al’s V.O broken in two by action (the young woman readjusting her blouse). The problem is that (judging by its content) this sentence is supposed to be said without interruptions. And two lines of description in the middle of it, break the continuity that said sentence is supposed to have. This confuses the reader.

This technique is often used by Phil, but the rest of the writing doesn’t look like him. I’m curious to know who wrote this.


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