Thanks for the read Pat   I know it seemed rush, it was ushed, there is a lot more I would like to add to this to make it feel more complete.  Again, thanks for the read.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Wow, I'd feel honored Jordan. Horror should be dangerous. And evensubject matter aside, I think this was one of the best. So, be proud of it, and not ashamed of it.

I am kind of proud   I wonder if that warning made people more curious or turned more people off, I'm thinkin curious.

I wonder what people would have thought if I gave it the original title I had in mind.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I wonder what people would have thought if I gave it the original title I had in mind.

Okay, I'll bite.  What was your original title?

Quoted from Higgonaitor Okay, I'll bite.  What was your original title?

Mother Fucker

Quoted from The boy who could fly Mother Fucker

Ahahahaha -- Jordan, I can't believe you chickened out on that title.  You coward!!!

I would have loved to watch the response to a title like that.

And I liked your story here, too, btw.  In my top five.

Quoted from bert Ahahahaha -- Jordan, I can't believe you chickened out on that title.  You coward!!! I would have loved to watch the response to a title like that. And I liked your story here, too, btw.  In my top five.

I just didn't know if Don would post a script with swearing in the title, and Oh, did you notice I didn't have cursing in my script   That was a first for me

Glad you liked it Bert

Jordan!!

I'm surprised at you!

You wrote one of my favorites last time and if you cooked this one up in just two hours, then I know you have talent. You should have spent a little more time on this one though, but you definitely have talent.

Pia

Hahaha.  Oh my goodness, Jordan.

Quite a piece you have written here!  Very sick, yet very tender.  Lots of action going on too.  Sex, nudity, incest, blood, intestines...man.  Complete package here.  I didn't really like the ending, though.  I was expecting either the Mother or Jeremy to die, or at least having her consent to sex with him(yes, I said it).  Ending with him breast feeding again just seemed offkey.  I can't believe I'm even writing this hahahaha.

Overall very entertaining piece...twisted...but entertaining!

This was a great script, i'll have to read some of your other stuff. That 'Twenty Four Frames' sounds interesting.

Thanks for the read Greg, glad you liked it.  There is a lot more I would like to do with this one, I just didn't have the time, hopefully it didn't seemd TOO rushed, but I do know it feels somewhat rushed.

Thanks for the comments Ape, I am glad you liked it

Thanks for the nice words Pia

Oh yes, there will be milk. Haha! Somebody bring a straight jacket for this maniac! This is one of my favourites, flyboy; very well done.

I’ll start with the things that were greatly done:

This is the entry that stuck best to the theme (among the ones I read so far). Milk is the visual representation of Jeremy & Mother’s bond, and this bond is the central storyline in this short. Good job.

Good, visual, tight writing style. And good format.

Some things could be improved:

Not much horror in here. This tale is disturbing but not terrifying. The only potentially terrifying scene could have been (spoiler ahead) Robert’s murder, but there was more gore in it than horror. And mind you, “gore” and “horror” are not the same. Horror doesn’t come from pain, it comes from the anticipation of it, and Jeremy didn’t leave us much time to feel horrified; he went straight to business.

The storyline, although well written, was quite simple and predictable. It was the sick bastard in me who wanted to keep turning the pages, to watch this disturbing relation unfold. That same bastard who makes me rubberneck at a bloody car crash, not the one who goes to the movies.

I think the storyline could be improved by making it a little more complex. Jeremy instantly understands what’s happening, because he sees his mother with another man; and right then we know what’s going to happen with that man. I wonder if it wouldn’t been better to have mother acting a little strange, returning home late, making secret calls, etc.  And Jeremy starts to suspect something. Same storyline, but with a little more mystery. You could even make Jeremy kill some wrong suspects in order to  have more horror in here.

Some nitpicky comments:

In specland: “JEREMY, ten years old” = “JEREMY (10)"

“Looking ten years younger than she really is” can’t be recorded by the camera; this is a tricky description to include in a script.

P.3 “But then he came into our lives and almost ruined everything” You’re giving away your ending. The “almost” is telling the audience that Jeremy succeeded in dealing with this threat.

Nothing more to add, congratulations flyboy; very solid entry.

Thanks for the read Matias, thanks for the read and comments, I know it needs a little more work, hopefully in the future I will be able to flesh it out a bit more.  Thanks again for the read

Jordan,

Well? I read it, better later than never. And Whooaw... This should be the best short I read around here. This is a true independant daring short subject. Everything is (almost) perfect. One thing annoyed me anyway: Robert's killing. You should have found something more linked to the main subject. I know stabbing in photogenic (?) In my thriller "Seven Dwarfes" every killing is related to the birth. IMO, you should find a better way to kill Robert. Why not knotting him and make him swallow liters and liters of milk till he dies? Just my opinion.This way you'd stay in the subject.

Michel

ooh me likey

very good script

Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up.

Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal.

THanks for the read Michel, glad you liked it.  I was trying to figure out a way to kill Robert, and I always wanted to write a scene where someone gets strangled with their own intestines, and I thought this would have been a good script to do it in, it's brutal and ugly, but that's how Jeremy feels at that point in the story,but I'm still glad you liked most of it.

THanks for the read Ghost

Quoted from Helio Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up. Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal.

THanks Helio, that actually makes me think, I wonder if it could actually be filmed, I guess if anyone is gonna do it, it would be me, but I don't know how to do the scenes at the begining with the kids, I would feel kinda awkward putting a child in those situations, maybe get a pair of fake boobies like the one's Rbert DeNiro had in Meet the Fockers...LOL   The intestines bit would also be difficult but I bet it would be cool to shoot.

Anyway, thanks for the idea