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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  Spoiled: Milked Edition
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  Author    Spoiled: Milked Edition  (currently 16429 views)
James McClung
Posted: November 13th, 2006, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Well, congradulations, Jordan. I think you've reached a Takashi Miike level of perversion with this one. This reminded me strongly of his film Visitor Q as that contained themes of both breastfeeding and insest. I saw some of his Audition in this as well so if sick was your aim, you've certainly succeeded. Nevertheless, I think sick was about all this was. I wouldn't exactly call this horror. I think horror needs to be from the point of vew of the victim in order to qualify as such. There is a victim here but the story is told from Jeremy's point of view, not Robert's and Jeremy isn't exactly a simpathetic character (although his mindset does sort of make psychological sense).

All in all, I think the story is likely to get a strong response from virtually everyone who reads it but I think you could've done something beyond shock. Nevertheless, it was relatively well written and I think it did exactly what you wanted it to do so I think taking that into consideration, I can say good job.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: November 14th, 2006, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey James, welcome back and thanks for the read and review

I may try to do something with this in the future, it needs a little more development with the characters, I know it is sick though, I wanted to write the most disturbing script I could, without going too far over the line, I certainly didn't wanna make it pornographic or anything.

Anyway, thanks again


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: November 19th, 2006, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quite a nice little script.

Even more impressive considering it was wriiten in such a short time.

I think George summed up the problems with it quite nicely.

One thing that I would add is that I found the scene with his mother when he spat the milk into her face quite comedic, I actually laughed out loud at that point.

I'm not sure that was the effect that you were hoping for!!!

Just a little over the top IMO.

The killing scene was slightly gratuitous as well, bordering on the unbelievable.

As for the subject matter, I thought it was quite good. I think the breast feeding thing went a little far. I think the development from the breast-feeding to incest would be enough and more believable.

Good effort though! Certainly a compelling story teller, which is an important trait.

I'd actually like to produce this at some point, with some minor corrections. I think there is potential for something really quite interesting.
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Helio
Posted: November 19th, 2006, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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"Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up.

Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal."

by Helio

"I'd actually like to produce this at some point, with some minor corrections. I think there is potential for something really quite interesting."

by decadencefilms@37.com


What I said, Jordan?! I hope you make a good deal with it, dude!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: November 20th, 2006, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for the read decadence, glad you liked it.  If you actually wanna film this be my guest, there may be some parts that would actually be illegal to film...LOL, at least the parts with the young Jeremy, thanks again for the read.


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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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It does live up to the warning. I liked it though. A good read but my only qualm was it seemed kind of predictable once Robert comes into the picture. The ending again is kind of a standard "things will continue" kind of ending.


It succeeds in disturbing and that is what counts.
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alffy
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Topher about the inevitable death of Robert but it is pretty disgusting.

I liked it...lol.  What does that say about me!


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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chism
Posted: February 20th, 2007, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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It says you enjoy reading scripts about incestuous, murderous boys addicted to breast milk. What's so wrong with that?

I re-read this script just now, it's the first time I did since the first reading. Anway, I loved it all over again. I was just as sickened and disturbed as the first time. If there was some kind of SimplyScripts Awards for these Weekly Challenges, I think this one would've taken the cake.


Cheers, Chismeister.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 22nd, 2007, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads you guys. glad i was able to get under your skin  

Just prepare yourself for the milked up edition  


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Child In The Box
Posted: February 24th, 2007, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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This is by far the most disturbing screenplay I've ever read. When I say by far, I mean that very much. You obviously are a master of writing these kinds of things, for it is truly terrible! : )

It was a good screenplay to be honest. Even though it was disgusting.

I'm just curious, what is the one week writing thing?

-Jamie

Oh, do you have any other scripts? If so, PM me the links to them!


I've got a nice idea brewing inside my head, and you know what's nice about it? It's gonna' be one hellov an idea when it's down on paper!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 24th, 2007, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Jamie.  I'm glad you enjoyed it, well enjoy is probably the wrong word, but ya know what I mean

The OWE happens like every 3 months or so.  We are given a theme and a genre and have one week to write a script.  The last one was in January so it will probably be April or may before the next one.  They are a lot of fun and I suggest you join in on the next one.

Anyways thanks again for the read.


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Kotton
Posted: February 24th, 2007, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still SCREAMING!

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Just one more thing about the OWE. The most fun of all is that no one knows who wrote what until a week or so.

To Jodan, I read this one the other night and yeah it was very disturbing and I commend you on being the first SS writer to earn a disclaimer.

Your witing is excellent and it kept me reading 'past the last page' !

I hope to contribute to the fun next time around. Maybe three false starts will culminate in a follow through!

Anyway, good read, but yes very disgusting in so many ways. Though it was Hitchcockian if you think about it.

--Kotton


A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
                                                                    
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 25th, 2007, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Kotton.  I'm glad you liked it.  I think the new version will be a little more creepy, at least I hope so, I gotta add some more stuff, and take out some stuff as well.

Thanks again for the read and comments


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Zack
Posted: March 28th, 2007, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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I don't like the way this script made me feel. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Don't take this as an insult, I'm just a pansy. It was well written and thought out, but it was just too much for me. 5 out 10 (I grade scripts on how much I enjoy the read)
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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 28th, 2007, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Zack.  This was intended to be pretty twisted and I know there would be a few people that wouldn't like it, it is a very disturbing idea, probably too much for some.  Anyways thanks again for the read.


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